Alone in My Mind

This is that new epic post of my long, deep, and random mind musings in conjunction with this. Please tell me you think dirty things when I say long and deep...

This is my gift to you guys since this was the type of post that was voted as peoples' favorite. I'll warn you, there's going to be a hell of a lot of overlap.

To begin, I want to announce that Allie at Hyperbole and a Half posted a new and, as always, hilarious story.

I think I actually feel lonely...or just bored.

It's definitely mostly boredom, since I'm home all the time and don't really have much to do. Hence all the blogging. Everything I have been experiencing has been causing my mind to go into overdrive. So much mental activity that the memos in my phone are being constantly filled with revelations. This is a perfect opportunity to spill it all. But also back to another aspect of the first line of this section...I'm excessively craving affection. I know I get into phases like this every now and then. Where I feel sorta lonely, want affection, want interaction. It also has a hell of a lot to do with the fact that I'm incredibly horny. The combination of it all doesn't help much. Luckily I don't scare my friends away when I'm feeling highly sexual. Yesterday we all had a barbecue with amazing meat, tasty wine, and plenty of funny conversations and games. The first game we were playing was the If game, there's all sorts of books that either ask you questions like, "Would you rather..." or "if" questions. I had to walk away or exclude myself from answering a lot of the questions because just about all my answers were really dirty. It wasn't even entirely that I would have a problem saying them, but the reality was that I had so many answers for each question that I just couldn't choose one. Plus, I was sexualized enough being that a couple I've met for the first time was there. I sure know how to make an impression. Later as we were sitting around the fire pit outside my friend announced that I'm the biggest flirt in the group. Now, that's pretty obvious but our group is quite inappropriate ALL the time. So for me to be that makes it a pretty high honor. I also have an advantage being bisexual and that people know I'm harmless so they aren't creeped out by me, making me do it even more. I'm still the one that everyone thinks of when a dirty joke occurs. I really do fucking love it. On top of this jumbled paragraph, I want to add more about affection. I have posted recently about not really staying the night at friends' houses lately so my friend offered to share her bed with me anytime. It was no big deal for we've shared a bed plenty of times before, but it was very much appreciated. I've been thinking about that a lot, I really do just want to go home with someone and sleep in their bed with them. Which is quite dangerous in a way, the immense craving to do so. At least I do have a good deal of self control.

Keep the previous paragraph in mind in regards to this one. The other night at the bar a guy gave me his number. That's nothing new. However it was in a secretive manner, he wrote it on a napkin and put it in my hand while shaking my hand. The second I felt the folded napkin, I laughed. I called him out on it. I realize I do that a lot to people, which seems to make me more interesting to them. But anyways since I already put it out in the open by laughing at him, he continued to talk to me more. He asked me a few times to go out to coffee with him. This threw me off so much that I didn't get the chance to explain that I hate coffee [although it doesn't ever stop me from going to a coffee shop]. It made me realize that I do get hit on often but never actually asked out for coffee. Coffee isn't the focus here, but being asked out. It's been quite a long while since that happened that it actually made me consider it. Obviously, I haven't used his number though. I get really shy about the whole thing. I've come to conclusion that I've never actually dated, or went on a date, with someone I wasn't already with. For example, I've never participated in the whole dating around, going on dates with multiple people at a time and feeling them out. Never done it, but I would like to experience it sometime. I'm just not entirely good at that stuff since I am so shy. I don't go out with people until I've had many conversations with them prior, in comfortable settings, and usually meeting them through friends or online. Oh what fun.

Although I have marked my preference for dating older individuals, I'm mostly likely going to date someone drastically younger than me when I'm older. I just feel it. Good 'ol extremes.

I will now tell the story of the newly formed list of people that I should date sometime in my life. I mentioned it here briefly. I also would like to inform you that I would much rather explain this in person, to add my laughter, hand motions, my sarcastic tone, etc. Oh well. So I was hanging out with a friend, she was driving us back to her house after a late night snack run. She lives across the street from a police dept. and as we passed it the parking lot was filled with a few of the Dodge Charger police cars. I made a comment that when I see those cars I always find it sexy and hope there's a sexy cop in it. Something along the lines that seeing it, alone, turns me on. Just after I made that short comment my friend blurts "I'm waiting for you to date a cop." I instantly started blushing and laughing loudly. Those cars are just damn sexy! We then went on to talk about hot cops and how I actually haven't seen many but I love the idea. I said I'm in luck because apparently cops like me. I've been let go with warnings on several occasions now. Come to think about it, the only ticket I ever got handed to physically by a cop was actually a female officer. Anyways, not only did this conversation excite me but then I was insanely curious who else she wanted me to date. Then a list was born! That very list I carry in my wallet for whenever additions need to be made. The hilarious part about this is the fact that she is married and has been with her one and only forever...and she's younger than I am. She gets to live vicariously through all my sexual escapades. So she started the list with the type of people she wanted me to date [note that most of these tend to apply only to males]:

Teacher [which is crossed off]

Cop

Firefighter

Lawyer
Doctor
Hockey player
Rock star
Asian
Foreigner
Then I added my bits, some with her help [most of these can be either sex]:
Hot chick
Hispanic

African American
Blind
Deaf
Professor
Massage therapist
Painter [more inclination to a male here]
Writer
Erotic writer [Hell yeah]
Maturity of an older man & sex drive of a younger guy

Someone twice my age

That's all I have for now. Perhaps when I'm older I will write in for someone half my age or something. Please keep in mind this list isn't something to dictate my life, it's merely in good fun. It will be something I will absolutely enjoy crossing off, either way.

Not only am I badly craving affection and all that. Every single damn thing turns me on. The curves of cars. Sun on my skin. The way everyone looks at me. People in cars existing behind or around me. The sound of voices. Peoples' quirks and idiosyncrasies. The movements of fingers. The smell of cologne or perfume. Seeing others kiss. And so much more. As much as I love when I feel this way or try to will myself to feel this way, it drives me fucking crazy.

I have a strong presence that can't seem to be ignored. I never realized it til my date several weeks ago. Not only do people notice me, but rarely am I invisible...I didn't know that happened. Amongst a crowd I noticed that no one took notice of my date, she's rather small but still exists. People constantly kept bumping into her, touching her to get around her, it got to the point where I wrapped my existence around her so others would stop doing that. It irritated me. I was surprised, she mentioned that people notice me, that I have a strong presence. It blew my mind because it's true. And it's not solely my appearance, it's my essence, my aura. On top of that people sense something about my personality that causes them not to treat me in ways that I'm afraid of. I always worry that people think I'm this or that because I often forget that people don't know who I am therefore they can assume absolutely anything. But whenever I reveal such a concern my friends often point out that it just wouldn't happen, because people do sense something in me. People hardly fuck with me, hardly assume that I'm a bad or stupid person, etc. And they're all drawn to it. Like a hoard of bees at the honey. 

I am without exaggeration.

My friend blew my mind the other day. I was talking about relationships and dating and my habits, etc. I've consistently mentioned my obsessive nature here, especially about people. I only realized the negative aspect of it about 2 years ago as briefly discussed here. That still stands, but I have been working on it and am getting better. However, my friend told me something that is incredibly positive about my unique obsessive nature. That I can stop. I can end things. In fact, I'm quite good at that. She gave me examples of some people we know and how self destructive they become with their obsessions in their relationships. Examples such as women that are desperately hanging onto a fantasy of the relationship that no longer exists, utter and total denial. I don't do that nearly to such an extreme, or really at all. I am a complex mind and it takes me quite some time to process things and how I feel about certain situations and people. Once I have processed it and made my rational decision, I go through with it. I've broken up with a large handful of lovers and friends in my life. I'm capable of ending my obsession when I know I need to. I guess it goes in with that control thing, that whenever I decide to turn it off, it goes off. Or on, if I want it on. I ultimately make my decisions and am in complete control of it.

Did I ever mention that I hate white shoes?

Beauty isn't safe.

Films always show the events leading up to the wedding and the wedding itself. Sometimes we get the honeymoon and honeymoon phase. On the other spectrum we get the older long time married couples that are irritated with the very existence of their partner. We hardly ever see the events in the middle. It's mostly those extremes. Happy, excited, beautiful, and then unenthusiastic, regretful, and grim. I know there's other minor deviants from this model I have portrayed, but in the general mainstream large chunk of films and such, that's how it is. And that's how we envision these situations on impulse. 

The whole thing irritates me. But I guess most depictions of relationships and marriage in media annoy and frustrate me. My least favorite is all the cheating. It has a very contradicting effect on me. Sexual infidelity is exciting when you're watching it, I'm often intrigued and turned on by it. But as a whole, I'm utterly repulsed by the act of cheating. Especially the casual manner in which it is talked about, shown, and even expected amongst married couples. That whole world frightens me. Angers and sickens me.

I don't ever want to be in that situation.

In addition, I hate the glumness of older and long term couples, married or not, in media or reality. I hate that some couples feel stuck, and no longer do it because they want to but because they feel they have to. I understand these circumstances are very complex, but damnit, why do that to yourself?! I honestly don't understand putting yourself in a situation where you're unhappy and even more so when someone else is unhappy. It saddens me really. Some of these thoughts make me think I'll never be with one person for a really extended amount of time. Granted I would have to find the "right person." Who knows if that will happen. I'm not stressed out by it, but curious and fascinated. I'm not obsessed with it as I used to be, I feel like you waste a lot of life constantly trying to find someone to be with. That's how it always happens to me, and anyone, when you don't want it or when you're not seeking it. Anyways, futures of relationships and living examples really depress me.

I don't want that.

Speaking of weddings and such, I remembered something I had discussed with a friend over a year ago. We were talking about the fact that I don't want to get married and the wedding I had imaged if I did. I'll describe that wedding a little bit. I wanted to get married on Halloween or Devil's Night. This would be my tribute to The Crow. It would not include the color white whatsoever. My dress would be black or even red. And it would be more of a Gothic ballroom masquerade event. Similar to the scene in Labyrinth. Not traditional or virginal by any means. But because I have expressed my disinterests in actually getting married my friend and I created a non-wedding event. Basically to have an event just like the wedding I described, but only that we were celebrating me NOT being married. I got into it somehow because I was talking about how single or non-married people don't get elaborate events and such. I don't agree with it. Same with not having kids. I would like to someday celebrate my success in not doing either of these things. I feel I will deserve the recognition for sticking to my word. And it will be a hell of a lot of fun! Same thing with marriage proposal, despite my lacking interests, I would actually like to be proposed to, I deserve the excitement of such an event and the celebration. I could be proposed to, to NOT get married! I'm pretty serious, and when I'm older, I will do this. No lie, well unless of course I do end up getting married and/or having kids [If I must share such a disclaimer]. I know things change, but I'm pretty set in my ways.

 I hate the concept of being jaded. It's another thing that saddens me about the world. I will exclude the healthy dose of jadedness for sake of discussion. This goes in hand with my distaste for the glum that hovers long term couples. Glum of people as they get older. It's not the occurrence alone that bothers me but more so that I feel sad for them. Not pathetic pity sad for them, but genuine sadness for them and for my future. I've been jaded somewhat in my last two to three years of my life due to dating and relationship experiences. Not only are people jaded, but they lose that capability of really being affected by others, on positive level. I want to affect people. And very much so physically as well. I've literally touched people who didn't feel what was traveling out my fingers. They were unaffected. I don't like it. I want my every move, touch, word, feeling to affect the ones I wish to affect. I cannot be in a relationship with someone who won't feel me. Because everything I do for and to someone matters an immense deal to me. And I want them to know that. And to show that.