Tangents

I held a record of not wishing anyone a Happy Valentine's Day. I was quite proud of myself.

I've been remembering my dreams everyday but since I haven't written them down they're all jumbled. I dreamt of floating vans on the roofs of a beautiful and large hotel. I dreamt of masturbating with sex toys, which I thought was real. I dreamt of a million conversations with a person I have been talking to a lot. I dreamt of my dog. I dreamt of countless other things.

My friend and I randomly decided to make a list of the type of people I need to date at some point in my life. It came about in a very spontaneous but incredibly funny manner. I probably will post the list and the story some other time, but for now I will bask in the mysteriousness of it. Either way, I think it's great because I need to do the dating since my friend is married to her one and only and she can live vicariously through me. Ha!

I redyed my hair and I've been wanting to take photos and post various other photos but for whatever reason my photo editing software is fucking up and it's delaying the whole process. I wanted to post photos of each shelf of my bookshelf to show the wonderful things that I get to see everyday. I also really need to update my deviantART because I've taken more photos of myself as well as some other artwork that I've completed.

I'm in an incredibly good mood today. The weather has been nicer. And perhaps it's because I have plans for the night, or so I hope. I've been sleeping so late lately, I really need to stop and get up early and start exercising.

On top of my good mood I'm in one of those incredibly insightful phases of my life. This happens about three or so times a year and usually correlates with meeting and conversing with someone new and then carrying on these conversations and revelations with some of my closest friends. A lot of these revelations will soon be topics of future posts. I'm just lagging on my posting due to being so sick and now that I'm better I'm desperately trying to find ways to get out of my house. These are some major revelations that just blow my mind. It makes me eternally grateful for all the Virgos and Scorpios I have in my life. God, I love them! I really don't know what I would do without them.

Speaking of desperately wanting to be out of the house, I realize that's another common phase throughout my year. I'm definitely in that mode now. It made me realize, yes, being in a relationship helps with that drastically, but I also rarely sleep over a friend's places now. I used to do that very often but now not a single one of my friends has a bed or more appropriate sleeping surface for me as they once did. Now there's just couches. Let a fact be known about me, I'm not really good a sleeping on most surfaces. Although I do keep a sleeping bag in my trunk at all times for necessary occasions, one of which is pretty damn comfortable. Granted if I have been drinking, most surfaces are easy to work with. I think a lot of it stems from two things, I've always had a bed to sleep on for my life and it takes me quite some time to fall asleep. Damn my mind.

I've been watching a lot of Netflix movies in the past few months. I plan to have a mega epic movie review/list post soon. However, for now I will mention some of the major [and not so surprising] themes of most of the films I've been watching. First and most prevalent theme is sex, big fucking surprise. Romance/drama is another usual type. People that are a little crazy, or not really mentally stable. And a theme that I recently noticed and was very unintentional was that of age gaps between romantic partners. Generally young girls and much older men. For example, I finallllly watched Last Tango in Paris two nights ago. I've seen a couple scenes from the film before, but I never ever realized or noticed how young the main girl was. So that's when I realized this theme and I just had to laugh at myself. These film themes kind of reflect my real life. It finally occurred to two of my friends recently that I really do like older people or specifically men. Now I have this joke that once I've gone there I can't go back. I really do despise most people that are younger than me. I'm definitely not ageist because I do have a verrrry small percentage of friends that are just a little younger than me. But I really just can't imagine myself dating someone closer to my age anymore. I don't even know how to relate to most of them anymore. If I could create the most perfect mate it would be the maturity and intellect of an older individual mixed with the sex drive of someone younger. Quite frankly, that describes myself. But anyways, a major chunk of my friends are in their mid twenties and up to their thirties. Then a whole other group of friends are all in their thirties and forties. The odd thing is, with the exception of one guy, my much older partners weren't even significant, in intellect or sex drive! So why was I with them? Well fuck, I don't really want to talk about it now. I tend to call that my experimental phase. But there was some more maturity and mostly a much more laid back atmosphere and definitely a better attention to detail and important things. Older people recognize what's more important and they really see the good qualities in people and tend to sometimes not take them for granted as much as most younger people do. I obviously can't speak for everyone and not to the same quantity for each individual, but it is there. I'm also wondering if I'm always surrounding myself with people that have had far more experiences than me. I mean, I always feel very minuscule compared to everyone I know. I feel like I've had a fairly simple life. Which in reality isn't actually true anymore, but I do cope well, more than most others I guess. My friend pointed out the truth, I've had to deal with the whole alcohol and drug usage of my mom, my brother, my parent's divorce, and being hard of hearing. So I have some so called "baggage," but I still always see others as far larger and more important than my own. But that goes to my always putting others before me, and making their problems my own, etc. I've realized that I mostly live for others and I think that just may be the sole foundational reason why I don't want kids. I think that is where those feelings started ever since I was young. This is why I so long to be on my own. I've said it a million times, but girls grow up dreaming and planning their wedding day but I've dreamt of my own place. I've imagined growing old with someone, but that image fades more and more out of my mind as I get older. I'm really unsure of my feelings towards monogamy [not necessarily implying polyandry] but it's so contradicting. I know what I want yet I know what I don't want...why can't I mesh better with people? Couples fascinate the hell out of me. I can watch them all day. I've blogged about this before, and the connections between people. I've been thinking about it a lot now. I just can't comprehend couples. The way they interact and the way they make plans and being around each other and around others. God, I've been in a handful of relationships but I don't think I've ever reach a level of comfort that I see around me. I don't know what the fuck it is.

As the title implies, I just went on a million tangents here. Usually I'm better about the coherency of my posts for the sake of keeping you readers, but today and in the future I'm sure, I just want to let it flow. And somewhat unintentionally I've posted images that were mostly sexually related...oh well.