Please believe that things are good with me, and even when they are not, they will be soon enough. And I will believe the same about you.This is a good enough quote to keep in my head at all times, along with everything else said in the book. Anyways, I want to write more about the book in a separate post, while the theme of this post is a look at 2012 and how much shit has changed for better or for worse. And for this, I'm truly grateful for the existence of this blog that allows me to look into the snippets of my life whenever I so desire.
January 2012
I started the year off with a more laid back, fun, but very drunken New Year's party. I was dating a guy and anticipating the start of my new job working in special education at a middle school. This was a nerve wrecking time but also very exciting. I was planning to finally make money after being broke as hell for the whole previous year and move out on my own. I was loving my job very much, the students, my coworkers, everything. It was easy and surprisingly boring. I wasn't sleeping much at all due to a complete change in schedule. Overall there was a lot of adapting to new things. The disappointing part was realizing that my paychecks would be a lot smaller due to deductions for health and other benefits which delayed my ability to save money and move out when I wanted to. I was also trying to get used to seeing my partner only on the weekends since we had opposing work schedules.
After the first week of my job, one of my students died. I hadn't known her well enough to be attached to her, but the unfortunate event lead to opening my eyes that this will indeed be the case in that line of work. The job was also changing me in a lot of ways as seen in this post, "First Week".
February 2012
I was having trouble and continued to during the course of my job with seeing my partner enough. Meanwhile I feel safe to say now that I was becoming increasingly attracted to my boss. This should of been a first hand sign that I wasn't taking my so-called relationship seriously. At this point my moving plans changed to possibly getting a house with 3 other friends, which later wasn't a plan anymore. I still wasn't getting enough money and attempted looking for other jobs to fill up my days. I was wondering if I could manage multiple jobs at all. This became a start to a lot of stress. I was worried about money and my tags on my car were expired and I had no funds to make repairs.
I was also having a lot of sexual frustrations due to not seeing my partner enough and him not being very interested in sex as I was. I finally stopped expecting it, putting my mental state as if I was single. This became really depressing as I continued to lose my libido.
To add a good note, I became exceedingly addicted to Goyte's "Somebody That I Used to Know". I still love that song.
March 2012
By this time I officially started an ad for doing service on dreadlocks. This so far hasn't been as successful as I'd hoped, but I do still have one regular and loyal customer. At this point my partner was officially my boyfriend, but more used as other people's terms rather than my own. That is just not really how I felt. Anyways, him and I were preparing for an upcoming major knee surgery that was performed by the end of the month. This was a rough time.
My mother overcame her Hepatitis C and we were somewhat repairing our relationship or more so just having a relationship at all.
My valued coworker left to go back to school. Up to this point my job was easy and pleasant. But after she left, most of the work fell on me and started to become very frustrating. I started applying for other jobs at this point to make more money.
April 2012
Around Easter weekend my paternal grandmother died. As you see in this post, I was detached but angry about her death. I did not see my grandma before her death, and I didn't want to. After she died I realized how angry I was about how she treated my family and I. On the other hand, her death was a relief to all of us. This month also marked my brother's birthday who was still sober and doing good in his life.
May 2012
As the summer was nearing I found another job caregiving for a teenage boy with cerebral palsy. This job was a lucky catch despite its nerve wrecking beginnings. The job was easy once you get the hang of it, but very intimidating at first. A lot of responsibility for the life of one person. This became my official summer job and I was happy to have that sorted by the start of summer. It was really exhausting working two jobs at this point. I was happy for the end of the school year for I needed a break at my school job. I had a group interview at a thrift store, which I never got the job. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't. I really didn't want to go back to retail.
May brought a dog into our home. A lost dog we watched til we could find the owners. This was a rough time because it brought me to miss my deceased dog Sparky. It made me sad that we may have to give this new dog away just when I was getting attached to him. We hadn't had a dog in our home since November 2011.
I finally got called from the waiting list I was on for an apartment I wanted. I was frantic to getting my brother to be my potential roommate and getting paperwork in. I was only unsure if I could afford it past the summer. This lead to a good and well needed talk with my father. This let a lot of things in the open that needed to be, and things got a lot better in my home life since that talk. I decided I wasn't ready to move out just yet.
I got another job that would start the beginning of June doing respite care for my cousin's autistic twin boys. I was very excited about that job.
June 2012
Now I'm working two jobs back to back all during the week and some weekends. All these jobs working with kids and dealing with my super negative boyfriend has me drained to the max. I started what I called a mom complex, of working with kids all day, feeling dirty, and very unattractive. I spent a lot of this month working and just staying in. My friends wanted to go out a lot and I had to force myself, I had fun but it the night always started with me not wanting to be there and a little annoyed. In the meantime I sympathized with mothers a lot more than I ever have in my life.
My boyfriend was consistently having problems in his life, whether it be his health or his family. We only got together to eat, sleep and go to the bar. It was a life I was growing to despise. I broke up with him on good terms on Father's Day. It wasn't the best day to do it, but I had to do it sooner than later, a lesson I've learned enough of. My abstract feelings are noted here in "Petri Dish". After breaking up with him I reactivated my dating site profile.
I kept myself busy during these jobs by reading a ton of books. The Hunger Games, Fifty Shades of Grey, to name a couple. We officially got to keep our dog since no owner came out of the woodwork.
I still couldn't solve the check engine light problem I was having with my car. This was the utmost stress, driving around with expired tags for months.
July 2012
This month marked the beginning of my horrible stomach problems. Which I later found out was a stomach virus, or gastroenteritis. I continued to work a lot, including also working at summer school for a few weeks. Despite the roughness at times, it became more natural, more of a routine to work multiple jobs. I was mastering it. I was also making more money which allowed me to buy the lovely tablet that I have.
My friends and I all went to Las Vegas. Being the first I went while being of drinking age. We had a great time and I would love to go back.
I was getting lonely but annoyed with the dating site and deactivated it for a second time. I was becoming more and more antisocial with working so much. I really wanted a clean slate. I also stopped going out to the bar a lot since I no longer needed to do that with the boyfriend I no longer had, that was refreshing.
This month my car finally passed emissions and I was no longer a stressed driver.
We also officially, or my father, named our dog Shorty. I was rooting for calling him Tesla.
August 2012
School was nearing again and I was making a great deal of money over the summer and enjoying that freedom. I bought a smartphone finally!
Before school started I got my second stomach virus and had to call off all of my jobs for an entire week, this included the first few days of school. It was the worst thing I had ever experienced health-wise. I finally saw a doctor who prescribed me fiber and a specific diet which helped me eat anything at all. I scheduled an appointment for September to see a GI doctor.
After my first week back at my job at the school I went out of town by myself for the first time to Arcosanti. I had a great but very odd time by myself. I didn't know what to do with myself, but I enjoyed it. After that weekend my stomach finally felt a little bit better. Due to my stomach I had to change my lifestyle a bit and I became more of a loner hermit.
September 2012
This month was my cousin's birthday and we went on a weekend trip to San Diego. We had a great time and wandered around to a lot of cool places, checked out the beach and everything. We didn't want to leave.
When arriving back home I had an appointment with the GI doctor and found out I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which at that point I was expecting. All of my stomach issues are documented here.
Now, I'm experiencing a lot of frustrations at my school job. Coworkers are pissing me off and leaving me to do most of the work. Plus one particular coworker is a plain dumbass. So I had to deal with that. I was very angry in my work life and my personal life. Making me more antisocial. Loneliness and unhappiness is discussed here.
October 2012
This month I really started to implicate lifestyle changes. Eating better, drinking a lot less, spending less, sleeping better, and attempting to get more massages. All for my stress and especially due to my IBS.
This changed a little when I went on a super fucking fun trip with 3 other female friends to Tucson. It was the funnest, easiest, and most relaxing trip I had ever had. We stayed a couple nights and went to see Awolnation at the Rialto Theater. This broke my antisocial-ness a little bit.
Later in the month I found out my boss was leaving after the school year. This was a bit devastating because he's an awesome boss and gives me all that I do enjoy about my job. Immediately I started thinking of a back up plan to leave the school either to find another job or a different school to transfer to. This was private information and not one I can discuss with my coworkers. It's been on my mind a lot.
November 2012
My birthday is early in the month, along with election day. I voted early however. My 25th birthday went exactly as planned and was a lot of light fun. However in a way it was a disappointing birthday due to the lack of excitement and well, gifts. It's that time when you're really getting older and people stop caring about birthdays as much. At this point, however, it was when I stopped being as antisocial, which was good for me.
My mom even treated me to a really nice birthday dinner. This was the first time my mom ever went out alone, we haven't quite been alone ever in the last few years. It was something I had been avoiding, but by the point I was looking forward to it. We had the best talk we ever had in a long time. I told her a lot about my life, and my goals, which she absolutely supports now. I'm very grateful for that night. If it weren't for that, we wouldn't be where we are now.
I went out to a gay bar with a coworker for the first time as a single lady. It was intimidating beyond words. Just new all around for me. But something I still want to work on getting into.
I had officially decided that I am going to stay at my school and not leave to go somewhere else. This came about when I realized the amount of things that I do cherish about this job. While now I still wonder a little, but that is my decision so far.
December 2012
I went to the gay bar again, felt a little more comfortable, which is good.
Since this was only last month, a lot of it is discussed here in "Internal Musings" and "Forgiveness".
I would like to also add that over this winter break I've been enjoying my friends and strengthening the bonds. Been watching a lot of movies, just trying to relax and be happier. We celebrated the end of the world on Decmber 21st, which obviously the end did not come [as I'd like it to]. The New Year's party was quite fun too, didn't get too drunk this time.
I have also forgotten to mention that there was a potential man with a gun at my school resulting in a lockdown, which lead to a very overwhelming day.
Take what you will from these. A sum up and a look at 2013 will be in a new post coming soon.
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