Internal Musings

I often forget how shy I really am. And naive.
Guess it adds to my charm.

I have be repairing my relationship with my mother recently. It has been going pretty great so far. I don't necessarily actively communicate with her, such as calling her on my own accord. She will call me regularly and if I'm not busy I'll talk to her for a little bit. She's finally fairly updated with my life, at least most of the current stuff anyways. She also fully supports every goal I have right now. Those being that I am pansexual, don't want kids, probably won't get married, may or may not adopt a child, and that I'm working to move out on my own. The pansexuality one is great, but a more recent support of me not wanting kids is actually really cool to have from my mother. That one means a lot to me because it's not something I often like to discuss with people although it is something I have always felt strongly about. It's quite a great feeling. My mom has been overwhelmingly supportive of me when she was around. It was the type of support and enthusiasm that I missed most about her and that I actively seek, even unconsciously, in my friends. Which is where my best friend really helps me with. All in all, this is a great news.

I've been having some bizarre dreams here and there, some that make sense, some that I just haven't been able to look into.

My boss, or supervising teacher, is leaving at the end of the school year. Only a select few of us know. I'm heartbroken because he, along with some of my students, is essentially the reason I like and am attached to my job. But upon finding out that news, I've been debating back and forth constantly if I want to stay at my school or transfer to a new school. It's a really hard decision to make. So so so many factors are involved. Let's see if I can properly paint them for you.
The main reason I dislike my job overall is the coworkers. However having an awesome boss that appreciates me makes it worth it. My coworkers don't do enough, in my opinion. Unfortunately, it is an issue I have dealt with my whole working career. One that I partially just have to deal with on my own. But the good news is that I have been working on communicating with my particularly difficult coworker and things have been improving somewhat.
The things that I have been noticing that I depend on my teacher for is that he is good at restraining difficult kids if needed, helping them become less violent and aggravated. He also deals with the bigger messes of the children when they literally just shit themselves so bad that they need a shower [yes, we have a shower in our classroom bathroom]. He's good at getting the kids to do work or whatever is needed of them when they are being extra difficult. He's got a good vibe that the kids read. I've become at lot better with all this stuff but I'm just really afraid that all of it will fall upon me to do.
Next, I just have no faith in whatever new teacher will be hired to replace him. I have a bad feeling about it or even if they will find one in time. But the advantage to a new teacher is he or she will learn all the things that we do during the week and will just have to adapt to us more that us adapting to the teacher. So I hope.
The hard part is that I actually like the school I work with and our students are still pretty easy going compared to some of the horror stories I've heard happening in other schools. This school already accepts me as part of the workplace, accepts my dreadlocks, my tattoos, etc. That's not something I want to start over with. All the regular ed students are very nice and more open to our students, it's a homey school and I cherish that. Other staff around campus are very nice and the few I communicate with like me as well.
I most of all cherish the freedom we have with our students at that school. Most of my days, at it's best, include me playing outside, even sunbathing outside with students that need that downtime. These are things I really don't want to leave.
Transferring to another school may allow me to have less traveling since my current school is a 20-25 minute drive from home. I would love to work at a closer school, but it may not be worth it considering possible hour changes and a whole different environment that I will have to adapt to once again, for better or worse.
A lot of it is the unknown, I'm comfortable where I am, and the changes are unpredictable and I may find myself in an even worse school, classroom, and with even crappier coworkers or even a boss.
Overall, I am leaning to stay. My first impulse was to leave, but as I think about it more I want to stay. It's gonna be hard either way. What I really wish is that I could be part of the process of picking a new teacher, but I have no privilege or responsibility to do so. I have almost 6 more months to decide before having to sign a contract.

Today I also spent some time trying to see if there are any anthropological jobs available. Seems like the pool of jobs is no different from when I was researching all last year. And I will, in no way, quit a job until I have something else. I'm not going through that again. The jobs I have now are great experience and something I've always wanted to do in my life, but not for the rest of my life. Plus, I usually keep a job for 3 years or so. It always looks good on my resume.

I'm finally getting new tattoos within this month. I'm very excited about it. However I will not tell you what it is until I get it. That deserves its own post.

I've gone to a gay bar twice recently. The first time was really really intimidating. The second time was last night and it went better, I'm getting more comfortable. But that's where I am reminded how shy I really am. I suck at doing shit when people, of any sex, are hitting on me. I'm oblivious, it's stupid.

I am saving a good deal of money. It's the most money I have ever had in my life that was money I have earned and saved. Not from school loans or anything else. I am scared, though, of tax time next year because of all my jobs, I have no idea how much taxes I will have to pay since two sources of my income are untaxed.

I have mentioned in some previous post that I need an outlet, particularly for my anger. It occurred to me that I haven't done any of my hobbies. I read from time to time but not enough. I have been trying to go to the movies, still not enough. I don't paint and I don't write much of anything. Music isn't very prevalent because I'm just stuck listening to the radio. But something happened. I have a new coworker who works in the classroom next to mine. He's very nice and welcoming. Same age range as me and is very passionate about music. We often discuss music and have talked a lot about making mixed CDs for each other. One night, I finally did that. I was particularly enjoying the radio that day and wanted to listen to more. I decided after a day at work to take advantage of a free night. I sat down for hours and created 4 CDs with nearly 5 hours of music. When I make CDs I'm very meticulous. I listen to the beginning and end of each song and make sure every song flows into the next. Creating a playlist that ranges from heavy to slow very smoothly. The results ended up being the best playlist I have ever made, in my opinion. And I was so into it, really rocking out, curled out on my bed with headphones and my laptop. What's also great is that he enjoyed it very much, really appreciated it. He made me a CD with music I don't really know at all and it was just as enjoyable. While I was making the CDs I realized I haven't gotten lost in doing something in a long time. Which is sad, but a necessary realization nonetheless. We have been doing home renovations which has made the whole place a big clusterfuck, including my art room. I need to work on clearing that out so I can sit and make some art. I muse a lot while painting, it may not always be good thoughts, but it does help me work through things, helps me lose track of time and the world passing by. It's therapeutic. I'm a meticulous artist and I wish to expand from that and discover my hidden artistic talents and really let them reign free. It's another goal.

Will post more soon!