Like Water

I've been trying to work on myself a lot on a bodily level lately. But also with my mind, my emotions, my life, but not as much. I will focus on the latter in this post. See if I can get anywhere...

I have been trying to wonder, "Am I lonely?" "Am I unhappy?"

But when it comes to it, if I have those questions, they confirm the answer.

Perhaps I am lonely and unhappy. Unhappy, I don't know why. Loneliness is something I've been thinking a more about. Trying to analyze it, trying to figure out what kind of loneliness it really is.

I have been trying to work on being more myself. Especially around others. This is something I fail to do in relationships. Not that I'm entirely someone else, but merely an exaggeration of myself. I try too hard to be too much of whatever it is. To be the best girlfriend especially, which gets me further and further from myself and the person that whatever partner I've had had originally fallen into likeness with. This is a new thing I've come to accept and although I am not in a relationship, I am currently lacking the ability to test it, to try to be me better. But it matters that I'm at least thinking about it. I need to speak my mind more. I need to listen to my intuitions more. Need to stop pretending that I'm happy. Stop denying. 

I saw Celeste and Jesse Forever this afternoon. The trailer for The Perks of Being a Wallflower came on, just the trailer alone I love already. A quote came up today that I didn't hear in the other times I've seen the trailer.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

This speaks volumes to me, and unfortunately is a fault of mine and perhaps every one else. Why do I feel that I deserve less than I actually do? Why am I blind to the lacking?

I do not want to be in a relationship now. I do want someone. I do have plenty of friends that love me. I am not lonely in that aspect. I do want to be alone, but loneliness is rarely wanted. I say rarely because loneliness brings me to write. Brings me to think, for that, I am grateful for. I know clearly now that I have never allowed a significant in. Never let them in. Never enough. This ties with my inability to fully be myself around them. I've never been with someone so closely, so intertwined, ever. I realize clearly now I won't allow it. But why? To prevent from hurt? Well that doesn't make whole sense since I'm getting hurt either way. Why do I do it? For experience? Partially, I'm sure. Perhaps I've never let anyone in. Perhaps when I have tried the hurt was far worse, but I'm tired of any of the hurt I get. How do I solve this? Overcome this? Perhaps stop trying to take control over everything. Control...hmm, that is an issue for me.

What do I want?  Love. What is love?

I notice that I'm not meant to work with children forever. It is draining, making me more anti-social, making me want to be alone most of the time. When I'm with people, I'm meaner to them. I'm never really with them anymore. I'm not totally there and I can't figure out exactly why. Perhaps the conversations bore me now. Which leads me to feel that there must be something I rather be talking about. Myself, I think that's what I want to talk about. I want to talk it out, figure out why I feel the way I do and what is really bothering me.

All in all, this job affects me. Thus the real reality is that everything affects me.

I am like water. Imagine a pool of water, any little motion of the wind, drop of a leaf, landing of an insect causes even the slightest ripple that spreads through every square inch of the pool. Causing waves, creating motion. I am water. Everything that touches me, shapes me, moves me, creates ripples, waves, motion. I am like water. I pour through every crevice, permeate myself around things and people, envelop myself around and within them. I flow and I cannot be stopped.

Like everything else in my personality, it is a blessing and a curse.

This is who I am. Water. H2O. Oxygen and two hydrogen atoms. Aqua. Saliva. Tears. Rain. Hydrodynamic. Ocean. Deluge. Vaporization. Density. Smoke.

At times I become distant and cold like ice. I can evaporate in thin air and disappear forever. I am dense and full of boiling emotion. I flow all ways, all directions. Covering all grounds.

No wonder water is home to me.