Forgiveness

Tuesday, December 11th, I woke up at 5am to the most intense dream I've had in a very long time.

It was a funeral, being held in my grandparents home. Their home looked completely different and was located within my neighborhood. A bunch of us were in the kitchen with the lights dimmed by candlelight. I only remember actually seeing my brother, my aunt, and someone else by my side. The funeral was for my mother. She was dead. She was cremated and enclosed within a small cubed black casket, much like that seen in the film P.S. I Love You. We were also having a similar funeral as was held in that same film. My brother and I had beers in our hands and made some speeches and toasted with our drinks. My brother looked younger, before his innocence disappeared. I, too, felt younger. My brother, my aunt, the person at my side, and I went out to through the front yard to sit on the sidewalk across the street. It was raining hard. I was crying uncontrollably. I was talking about my regrets in regards to my now dead mom. I referred to a real life situation that had only happened a few days before I had the dream. I accidentally mentioned, in gesturing to my mom and aunt, that I loved them. It was an odd moment where my mom and I only noticed what I had just said. While I tell my family I love them, I do not say it to my mom. We've progressed in our reconnection that I have told her that I don't feel right telling her I love her yet. She understands and will wait til I feel right about it. So this moment was, in fact, odd and a shock. Anyhow, in my dream, I mentioned this and how that was the only time in many many years that I've said anything like that to my mom. In this dream, I had deep regrets and wish I had told her that I do love her. I kept talking about how I felt although I don't remember exactly what I said. All the while I was crying so so hard. I felt so strongly about all of it. The person at my side was comforting me however they could. Eventually, due to the heavy rain, my brother and aunt wanted to go back inside. I had a childlike fit and screamed and cried that I wanted to stay outside. So I did, me and the person by my side, just sitting in the drenching rain and with my eternal tears.

I woke up abruptly after that. Tears flooded my eyes instantaneously. At that waking moment, I realized the person at my side in the dream was my mother. She was comforting me in the time of her own death. This realization made me cry harder. Part of me was thinking that I really need to stop crying so I can sleep my last hour before getting up for work. But the other part of me was flooded with thoughts of love, forgiveness, and just an overwhelming need to let go. I knew it. When I later looked up the themes of the dream, forgiveness came up multiple times. This is by far the strongest message I have ever received from a dream. A true message.

A point I'd like to discuss is about the past. When my relationship with my mom was completely severed by my own choice, I had no idea if she was alive or not, homeless or not. And for those months and years, I didn't care which it was. I really didn't. It sounds harsh but it is the truth and a truth of my life story that I have not discussed quite much here so I wish those of you reading will not judge me. The fact of the matter is, she felt dead to me when all the bad things that happened, happened. My mom, as I know her, was long gone. The revelation this dream brought me was now, I do care. I don't want her dead. I definitely don't. We've come a long way now and I'm grateful that she is sober and slowly becoming more and more of a mother in my eyes.

That week was very emotional to me. I had been thinking about my mom a lot even before the dream as you can see in this post, thus bringing it on. I had a intense conversation with my best friend. And then the Sandy shootings happened that Friday. Later Friday night I went to the bar for two drinks. I read an article of a magazine the bartender left out. It was an extremely depressing and long article. Here, I was sitting with half my beer, crying and reading this article. After I finished reading I had an overwhelming urge to call some people. First I called my brother. I didn't expect him to answer since I had no real direction of my words. I told him, as I cried, that I was sorry for any of the horrible shit he had ever gone through in his life and that I love him very much. After that I called my mom. I couldn't even talk, my tears overtook me. I had to choke out something before she became worried, I said "I'm okay, I just have to say something." After clearing my sobs, I said, "Mom...I love you." She cried and said that she had been waiting a very long time to hear me say that. It was fucking intense. I can't describe it in words. I then informed her, through more tears, that I had a really bad dream and I wanted to see her soon to tell her about it. I went to see her the next day and told her about the dream. By that point I had cried so much throughout the week that I was able to talk clearly without too many tears. I explained to her that I'm tired of being angry and getting ready to let it go. We both understand that it won't be an quick thing, but a process and we are ready to proceed. It is an expansion of new good things.

After we talked, my grandpa got Chinese takeout. My mom and I opened our fortune cookies. Mine said "Failure is the mother of all success." Hers said "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it expands the future." We understood that.