Mom Complex

Not sure if it's the right term to use, but it's how I'm going to describe how I've been feeling. The mom complex. With my jobs working with kids in their homes, for the whole day, I feel like a mom. But not a mother in a way you might assume, at least that's not the feeling I'm going to delve into in this post.

After my first full week working two jobs with special needs children I had made plans with friends to go out but I felt far from wanting to. All I wanted to do was go home, lie in bed, and curl up with a book. I felt bad telling my friend that I just didn't feel like it, but said that once I was out I would probably feel better. Which I did. I feel ugly, I feel exhausted mentally and physically, and I feel dirty. I wear somewhat loose fitting clothing, different from my usual style, that ends up getting drool and other germs and dirt on it. My morning job consist spending a lot of time in rooms filled with mirrors in many angles that allow me to further be disgusted by the weight gain I've experienced and the lack of desired clothing that I wear. I hate the view and it adds to my disposition. Then comes the drool, dirt, etc. Further making me feel gross, especially at the end of the day. Working with children is especially draining. It's still an odd result that I'm doing it, working with kids, despite my lack of interests in them. Granted, I do really well with kids, particularly the special needs, which is a whole other layer [or several] of difficulty and work. It's physically exerting to lift and maneuver a "deformed" 80 pound boy around the place several times an hour. The weight is bearable to an extent but the deformity of his body, his scoliosis [or perhaps it's more hyperkyphosis], and his fragility makes it awkward and is something to be handled with utmost care. At the end of the day, I just feel like doing nothing, nothing at all. Now that I've been past my second week and now onto my third week of all this, I'm getting better at coping with it and forcing myself to go out. But really, I just feel pretty spent. I still feel the mom complex, particularly feeling unattractive and whatnot.

Furthermore, I feel for mothers much more in a way that I can see clearly. Having any full time job, my current ones or not, is one thing alone that can be pretty exhausting. But to be a mother and get home from your job to come home and deal with your children is another job. Plus being a wife or girlfriend on top of that [if it's applicable]. I witness this everyday when my cousin comes home to relieve me of my shift and she's on her second shift as a mom. It may be calm during my last half hour and as soon as she walks into the door, chaos starts again. I just really wouldn't want that.

To conclude, if anyone has wondered, working with kids has still put me off having kids. I still don't have the desire to have them. It's just not in me.

I've also realized that I don't even enjoy the smell of babies or kids. People speak of that warm and fuzzy feeling they get when they experience that scent. I don't feel that at all.

I have been thinking more about the effects of children on people, on parents. I've been also thinking about the effect of caring for them. There are plenty of moments, tearjerking moments even, where children really get to your heart. I can see that and I'm well aware of it. But, being a non-mom, and a multitude of other things I wish not to get into, I feel it isn't always worth it having kids. It, of course, changes lives. But it is a change I wish not to experience. I view my adult life in a certain way, a way I am striving towards and I don't want kids in that picture, kids will not work in that picture. Period. The effect that caring for them can be really heartwarming but often left you feeling used and worthless too. I understand that children don't grasp the concept that you chose to care for them, that it takes a hell of a lot of effort and they're not necessarily born to show gratitude. Gratitude comes later. I have a really big pet peeve, if you will, when people are not grateful or thankful towards others or myself. I want every effort I put towards someone, children or adult, to be recognized by them. You just don't get that from kids. And it hurts me. It really does. What also hurts me is being in situations where I can't do anything to help. This is ultimately a trait that I have, wanting to help as much as I possibly can. If a child is having a tough time and won't let me in, it tugs on my heart. Same thing with adults. Feeling helpless is unbearable.

All in all I'm glad to have these experiences and more to come. At least now I can speak from more experience when I tell people I don't want children.


Finally, don't get me wrong. I feel I should explain to those of you that are reading that working with special needs kids has a big place in my heart. I wouldn't be doing this if that wasn't the case. I much prefer them over typical kids. They're extremely special to me and IF I were ever to have I kid I often say that I would love to adopt a deaf child. It means so much more to me that way. Whenever I get into a conversation with friends or acquaintances about the field of work I'm in, they often mention that it takes a special person to deal with such a job. That is absolutely true and it is something that I can take on very easily. It is not an issue to me. I talked to my brother one day over lunch about jobs. He is interested in getting a job working with addicts of all sorts. This is perfect for him giving his experience in being an addict himself. I told him that that is something I could never do. And it goes the same that my job is something a lot of people couldn't do themselves. And for that, I admire his willingness and I'm proud of myself for doing what I do too.