"Actually, It's Kind of Magical."

I want to remind you of some previous posts, regarding The Time Traveler's Wife:
Time Travel
Time is Nothing
You Can't Change the Past, But You Can Ruin the Present by Worrying About the Future
Somewhere, Sometime, I'll Be, Be Fine
Time Keeps on Slippin', Slippin', Slippin
Insomnious Thoughts
"And Love. Nothing is More Difficult than Love."

I've seen this movie only twice in theaters. I have owned the film for several months but never got around to watching it. I've desired to watch it on several occasions. Put I often put it off because I know it's going to make me so sad. I decided to finally watch it. As predicted, I'm quite pensive.

Since I've been watching Ally McBeal, more and more episodes started to make me cry. I mean, it's not hard to do so to me, but this usually comes about in a more surprising fashion. Ally is generally funny and neurotic, but often even somewhat depressing. But it's also real, and reality can be quite cry-worthy. I finished the series sometime last week. I put off the last 2 episodes for a few extra days because I didn't want to be done yet. But I believe that was the beginning to this cry fest I have been having.

I've been getting around to catching up on my reading of Eat Pray Love, another of which often puts me in a very reflective and sage mood. More on that another time.

I also finally watched Philadelphia all the way through last night. I had only seen the ending a couple years ago and always wanted to watch it. If I remember correctly, that night I saw the ending, I cried, despite my not wanting to. Last night, I did cry, and I knew I would. I cried to the point where my eyes started to hurt. That same feeling existed a little bit when I woke up today. But not only that, but there's something about crying hard once, opens this flood gate that allows you to cry so much more easily for the next day or so afterwards.

I spent the entire day in bed finishing up Eat Pray Love. Countless times tears fled from my eyes. Countless times I put the book aside just to cry. And so easily. And so against my will at times.

I had planned to watch the movie tonight, since I knew it was on Netflix instant. But to my surprise, they had recently taken it off of instant. Thus, I had to find my replacement. I decided I really needed to get The Time Traveler's Wife out of the way. I thought, I'm already in a crying mood, might as well be the perfect time.

Here I am, with overly dry eyes, writing this and listening to intense and slow music. My eyes hurt.

Today I was brainstorming a possible blog about this cry fest [even while I was only halfway through it, at least]. I took a few moments to sit outside, something I like to do in my pensive moods, even if it is for a minute. I thought to myself, all this crying has got to do with something else. There must be another, bigger power to this. Some other reason(s) for my crying. Quickly, I thought well there's one thing....two things at least. The number then jokingly [but seriously] jumped to four things.

Truthfully, there's been quite a bit going on. A lot of which I'm processing. A lot of which is good and bad at the very same time. A lot of which I don't even feel comfortable talking about here, which also causes further internal issues. Another decision I decided was to write a draft about these things but not have it posted, not now at least. Because I do want to capture these thought processes for the future me. So my older self can travel to the past and revisit these emotions, these situations, these formulations. To decide if something was to be taken from them, if I've grown. If it persists still. If it reveals something about myself that I did not know at the time but becomes wholly clear to my future mind.

"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."