Written 11/03/2018: This phrase has the utmost effect on me. It started when my brother started going to Alcoholics Anonymous, perhaps I've even heard it prior since my dad has also been going to meetings for half of my life now. But I went to a few anniversary meetings of my brother's sobriety many years a ago and that is part of the chant they do in every meeting. Now I have been going to Al Anon meetings for almost 2 months and that same chant is spoken at each meeting. Serenity has been the key to all of this for me now. I am nowhere near it, but the word itself is profound for me. Let's get into this shit, I'm long overdue for a purge.
I mentioned earlier this year about being at a point in life where I really needed to get help for the fact that everyone in my nuclear family is an addict/alcoholic. People in my extended family are too, everyone is either sober, in recovery, or has relapsed recently. It's got me completely fucked up and it's taken me so long to notice it. It has been the single hardest thing I have ever had to bring myself to sit down and talk about, write about, think about, and feel. I have never come across anything so difficult as this. Everything about me is falling apart to some extent, my esteem is complete shit, my emotions remain hidden but all over the place, my actions and words are impulsive, my need to control everything is, well, out of control. I'm dealing with depression as well, and everything is so layered and overlapping that it's taken me so long to figure it out. It's been there but now I am acting and feeling like a different person that other's start to notice and now I'm starting to notice. I should of gotten help a long time ago, but I'm extremely grateful that I am getting it now.
I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate these rough waters. I'm also still finding out more and more symptoms that persist as part of my personality as a result of the addicts in my life. I'm discovering that a lot of what I don't like about myself, parts that have always confused me by their presence, are from this. I'm finding out that the person I thought I was, isn't actually entirely me. I found out why I have bad romantic relationships and bad choices in mates, and why I have also been avoiding relationships. I have found out partly why I am so obsessive and controlling. I found out why I don't share anything about my life or my feelings with others. I found out so much and too much.
I have been going to Al Anon meetings to help only me. As that is what they are for, not for helping the alcoholic, that's what AA is for. I'm going to give myself a new perspective on life, to approach things more positively, to not wring myself out over others and leave nothing of and for myself. I'm going to seek serenity.
I am merely at the stage of realizing, recognizing, and continuously discovering the things that have happened, are happening, and have made me who I am and where I am. This may sound familiar as I have always been doing some sort of searching and improving on my life for as long as I have had this blog at least. However, this time it is so deep, so all encompassing, and so overwhelming. I really don't entirely know what to do with it all. I'm lost but on a visible trail. I'm seeing the future, but not how to get there, not yet at least.
"The Culling" by Chelsea Wolfe....read lyrics and meaning
Written 5/26/2019: I left the previous paragraphs stuck on draft for the last 6 months, I have not rewritten anything above, but I will add what my journey is currently.
I have now been going to Al Anon for almost 9 months and I notice the difference every goddamn day. I have said many times to friends and other members that I needed this program since birth, but I am extremely fortunate that I found it at a young age. The first meeting was 9/11/2018, and it was the hardest, I could barely speak and I cried profusely, as I did every day at the time. To remember that time and to compare it to where I am now, I have improved greatly. I don't cry everyday. I have detached compassionately with certain members of my family. I have more calm. I recognize my need to control and try to fade it. I understand the alcoholics and the addicts in my life more than I ever have. I am slowly moving from blaming them to just making the best of my own damned life. I am reminding myself of serenity everyday. I track notes of significant quotes from each meeting and let them aid in my own recovery. I fully recognize my own trauma. I finally noticed the pattern of my romantic relationships, being with current or recovering addicts/alcoholics and intend never to put myself in that pattern again. I now know that I had been working on myself in terms of my relationships with others based on all the practices of Al Anon before I even knew what it was. However now I have the tools to truly move beyond it instead being of stuck in it like I have been the last 7 years. I'm not healed, and I know that. I am better. I know I have a lifetime of work to get through, and again I accept that. I am more open about my struggles and feelings than I have been in the last few years. I recognize my anxiety and my depression. I am more in tuned with myself and try my best each day to deal and to cope. I have opened up to my parents and my brother. I retain the boundaries with my brother despite all the shit that only continues to happen to and with him. The anger is fading but is still not gone. All that seems to be left is depression. Every now and then I have epiphanies and they come so randomly and are so fleeting. I have mended relationships with friends that I have inadvertently destroyed to some extent. I have also removed and distanced myself from other unhealthy relationships. I have also recognized my declining physical health and doing what I can to take care of it. There is still work left to be done on all planes, and I have a plan. I have a wonderful support system in place. I have opened up communication with my mom about our past, it has been hard but it is helping both of us heal. I have cut a family member that has done unspeakable things to multiple people I love. I have spoken up for the things I am passionate about and the things that make me uncomfortable. I am slowly saying no and not having to explain myself.
The last 9 months have been incredibly difficult. So many things beyond my control have happened. While they have affected me so terribly, my coping skills are improving and I'm very proud of myself for that. For that I have to thank Mel Robbins, Al Anon, my close friends, and family. I also have to thank myself. I always forget myself. I need to recognize that I am the one doing the work. I am seeking these people and these tools to better my life. That is something that always separates me and many others from such a large population, the fact that we do recognize the horrible, the shitty, the bad choices, the actions, the regrets, the lessons and move forward. There is still so much to say, but that is all for now.
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