Dear BG

I have a handful of regrets but only a couple astronomical ones that I feel a strong need to amend. You are one of those biggest regrets. A regret I think about almost daily. I drive by your house on a regular basis and the pain always hits me, over and over and over. So much I wish I had handled that situation better. I realized it then and I continue to see it now, over and over for the past eight and a half years.

I'm not doing this for a returned love, not for forgiveness, not to uproot your life, not to regain friendship, not for any purpose other than to show recognition that I've slowly evolved to see. You may have made your peace, but a deep worrying part of me feels you have not. Maybe that's what continues to hurts me so much.

You were the best thing that probably ever happened to me.


You showed me a love that I had never experienced. You were the highlight of my life. You loved me in a way that I've always wanted and dreamed of. You are the monument of comparison and all my friends adored you.

This was true then and it is true now. I know that to an extent it is unrealistic, in and after time, things become fantastical. But the reality is that you were my healthiest relationship. You let me be me, something I never did before and have not done since. The way your eyes saw me is how I see myself through imaginary lovers, it was amazing. It was, through the good and the bad, the biggest learning curve I have ever experienced in romantic relationships.

After you I went back to my old habits. Old habits where what I always, deep down, thought I deserved. You, in essence, where the first and only that I took that leap. A leap away from the shit, the addicts, the alcoholics, the people that continued to treat me as I have been treated my whole life. Treated me like I didn't matter, my voice was insignificant, my feelings were never to surface or to be recognized, my body used, my heart abused.

I know now, that I never and do not deserve those. Yet, due to my actions with you, I have convinced myself that I never deserved you to begin with. All that is complete and utter bullshit, but my emotional self still believes it. I am finally working on this. I also, finally, know now that I sabotaged what we had.



While I took this leap, I never regretted it, and I hope you didn't either. I feel we healed each other in some ways. We needed each other in the time we met. You have taught me so much. I have so many parts of myself that have grown because of you. I have so many incredible memories that I carry on and will carry on for the rest of my life. There is so much that I have wanted to share with you, the things that you gave me. I still go to Arcosanti every year, I do the things we did. I go there for peace and clarity. I always think fondly and sometimes sadly of you. Fahrenheit 451 has changed my life, so much that I got it tattooed on me. I reached out to you a few years ago to share this with you but I sensed you did not want to hear from me so I gave you that space. The music, art, inspiration, the faith you had in me, all the conversations, they still reside in my heart. I don't think they will ever leave, for that I thank you, deeply.

I have never had a bad thought of you in my heart and mind. Every time I thought of you I hoped to the galaxy that you got what you wanted most, a family. The one thing I couldn't give you. When I found out that you did get that, I couldn't have been so fucking happy. You deserved all that you could possibly want in this life.

That is where I feel we fucked up. We should of, painfully so, parted ways when we realized this. But we didn't. We went against our instincts and it destroyed nearly anything that we had. That's what I regret. I regret how I distanced myself from you and all the things I did with that. The only sliver of peace I have is that I've learned that lesson hard and hope to never repeat it in my life. I never want to do what I did to you to anyone else.

What makes this harder is that you were there for me for the biggest trauma in my life, after we broke up. You, you were there when my brother overdosed. I am eternally grateful for that. I really don't know where I would be if you weren't there. That trauma has continued to haunt me everyday since, but I still remember crying with you in the gravel of the alley down the street as you listened and held me. Your heart is priceless. Thank you for everything you have given me. I think deep down, I still love you, the incredible person you are and will continue to be. I know that we are not meant to be together, and I have accepted that for a long time. I just don't feel like you deserved anything I did to you in the end, for that I am profoundly sorry.

Some day I hope to stop punishing myself for it and to hold onto the happiness without the pain.