A Part II

In this post you can read Part I.

Things have changed since I wrote Part I. I figured I should write this in case this becomes a distant memory, a little blip in my long life in the future. To do this to express and remember what I felt and learned at this time.

As previously said, I had to wait it out, I did wait, and results did not prove beneficial to me. A's health declined and it was very serious, but then he kept me in the dark. For too long. For selfish reasons that, while I understand, don't agree with. I worried myself to death about him, reached out several times only to barely hear from him on my birthday and again during the holidays. Still not with a good enough explanation and not with a worthwhile apology. No explanation or apology directed at the fact that I calmly pointed out his deficiency in communication. Communication is something I highly value and try my best with on a daily basis. It was not reciprocated. With the knowledge that I had of him, I imagined that he knew I was right and felt too bad to say anything at all. This is the thought that I had hung on to. A thought I fiercely believe is true, yet not enough. I always thought he would come through, but he never did. And then I told him the time was up, I was done and moving on. I feel I have made the right choice and I don't doubt it.

However I miss him. I miss what I thought this could be. I thought about him constantly, now I only think of him occasionally. I've wanted to reach out several times, but stop myself because I know it will be a waste of time. I think a deep part of me still holds out and expects him to rise to an occasion to speak up and make things right. But isn't that what I always expect from people and never get in return? Never mind the age, never mind the supposed maturity, it always ends the same way. I'm grossly disappointed. Disappointed for many reasons, and slightly regretful too. I gave chunk of myself away to this man, said some things deeply and emotionally that I cannot take back. All things said too soon. I felt it worthwhile at the time to reveal these thoughts, these emotions, and I enjoyed being able to be so vulnerable, but it always seems to come at a price at some point. I don't regret the time, I don't regret meeting him, I don't regret sharing myself, I don't regret the feelings I had kept to myself, I don't regret the experience. I especially don't regret speaking up for myself, for being honest and open. That on it's own was beautiful and I am I very proud of myself.

He gave me some things that I will never forget. He read deeply into me more than some people ever have in such a short time. He appreciated me in ways I will always be grateful, despite the lacking in other areas. He said some things that etched into my mind, not only just because he saw them and was right about them, but because he shared them with me and is on the receiving end of his own prediction. He knew that I was an intelligent person, that I saw and experienced the world in a unique way. He also knew that anyone in a relationship with me should be smart enough not to cross me [I'm paraphrasing]. This alone, is why I don't think he has put up a fight, because he knows I'm right about him and his behavior. He was a special person too. There were things about him that put me in awe, something I miss the most. However there were things I saw, red flags that made me think a future together would be rocky or nonexistent. Yet, I do this constantly, I think about the end before I barely enjoy the beginning. I've said and I'll say it again, I have high expectations, I'm picky, and would rather not go through the experience anymore. I push away. But in reality, these issues I had, I think he was a person who I could share them with, and change with, evolve with in a healthy way. Which is why this makes it just a bit harder.

All in all, I learned that I can be myself. The whole process with him, I did everything right or better than I have in the past. I spoke up for myself. I was myself the most that I could and ever have been with a new person. I took things very slowly. I kept the physical aspect off limits. I only kissed him once, the last time I ever saw him. Every time I meet someone I get just a little inch closer to realizing and wanting a relationship, but then I fall down and give up. It's a circular thing. It comes and goes. I'm not a person that thinks you have to be in a relationship to be happy, but I haven't been in one in such a long time and as time passes I think I'm just a little more ready because it is something I want, but only with the right and worthwhile person. I still enjoy being single, but it just gets boring and tiring sometimes to put plainly.


I should also mention one big red flag. One that I have barely spoken about once to a close friend. Something kept sparking in my mind that he was lying. Lying about several things. Things that just never added up or things that I never got to witness, ever. I'm ashamed to have these feelings but they still jab and jab at my consciousness. My gut is generally very reliable, but I am also a very emotional being underneath all of the rationality. Some things I am just never sure if they are my heart running with an irrational thought or if it is a true visceral feeling that is there for a very good reason. I'll probably never know. I should also say that in person, talking to him put a lot of that doubt aside, but the more time I spent not talking to him, the more it jabbed at me. This alone is why I tend to believe that it was irrational, because I do get that way when I don't see the people in my life often enough. I start to self-destruct with thoughts and insecurity. As painful as it is, it is very real.


So what's next? I have no clue exactly. I keep toying with the idea of joining online dating again. Something that isn't ideal, but it's more of an effort than I have put forward in the last several years. We'll see. To end this, when I say I want a relationship, I mean that I want an adult relationship, no bullshit. No fucking bullshit.