A

I met someone recently, in events that I like to simply label as fate for lack of a better term. Perhaps so, perhaps not.

Timing, however, isn't on the surface, the best, but deep down I feel there is a reason for it not entirely known yet. Whatever it is, I do feel it is benefiting us both equally.

For now, I am just waiting it out. Rationally and emotionally, I feel it is worth it. Worth to find and discover what is more.

All I can say for sure is that I have not been this excited about someone else in a very, very long time. I don't really know how long I have to wait, but in my mind I feel like it needs to be done. And I don't mind, mostly, although it is hard. My pent up energy is pushing inside the walls of my heart. And it is pushing hard, harder than I knew it could. It's pushing in my sexual organs as well, it's worth mentioning. Physical and mental attraction is all there. When is the last time I felt that? At least 1800 days ago.




The time spent on my own is giving me control to determine the facts and the emotions alike. Which is something I know I truly need, for excitement can take control over me. However I notice now that the fantasies still overtake me. It is something I've always had, but they have become stronger in the years of my single-hood, it's almost all I have to keep me company. I don't even try to stop it, stop creating a person in my mind. When I'm alone for long periods of time, it replaces reality. This is how my expectations always get shattered. I do it to myself.  And it is not something I even hate about myself. I've always been well aware of my strong, aggressive, violent, highly sexed, tenacious, and consuming imagination but rest well knowing that it stays safely within the confines of my mind. This is my sanity.

My self control is keeping most of it from turning into actions. Most of my actions are calculated, but not all of them. I don't fully regret them, for they turned into circumstances I have learned greatly from and still need to learn from, no matter how hard or destructive they can be. Actions aside, they still build up expectations that leave me disappointed and by my lonesome. In the last 5 years, saying no has become so easy. Too easy. To revert it all is not in the question, not even in my nature, but managing it is necessary. The best way to manage it, is communicating, only if that communication can be matched with an understanding and open minded being. If only...


So one of the biggest questions begging to be asked is, is this corner better shared with someone, or just not.

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and I don't explicitly fear it. But how do I truly let someone in? I haven't quite done it before, despite what I even think about myself. How do you even know if one could handle it all? There is no way to know until it is already too late.

I love my intensity, I do. But I require a manual to show one how to put up with it all. Is this a problem? Or is it worth waiting for someone to accept all of yourself. I usually tend to believe in the latter. I am a romantic. But not hopeless, not yet anyways.


I can say, when the time is right, I'm ready to let the floodgates open. That is something.





All in all, this experience has led me to write this stream of consciousness post, a first one in a very long time. This is why I blog. To externalize with myself.