Brother

Your life is like a recurring nightmare. You keep doing the same things over and over and over again until you have hurt more and more people. Even hurting the same people two, three, four, five, six, countless times again.

Yet you never apologize, never care, don't think of the consequences, don't think of the hurt you cause. At the same time you refuse to discuss your own hurt. You don't ask for nor welcome help or kindness. You believe, despite all we've been through, that we are all out to get you.

I am not out to get you, but I am running out of reasons to believe in your potential. I have nothing left for you. All I want is an apology. An apology that means something real.  I'm running on empty for you and all things revolving around you. And I'm sick of it, sick to my stomach, sick in my heart. I'm out to save myself, my sanity. So I do nothing, because that is what is saving me.

The hurt you have caused me is palpable, tangible, and very real. It boils my blood instantaneously. It wells up in my eyes until I am blind. It creates an equally tangible form of helplessness not only for you but for me. I have made a promise to myself and have held onto it for the most part. I can only sit and wait until you grow up. I hate waiting, but it is all I had to save our non-existent relationship. But then you destroyed even that. What else can you destroy? Plenty. It is all there for the taking.

My heart and soul has been broken by you so many times. It's crumbling, but still stands, barely. My sliver of hope is the last remaining leg. That hope is very fragile, deep within me, but fragile still. It exists only because it is waiting for you to become more than human. More than the fucked up human that you are. The blood that we share is all that connects us. Only that.

My promise to myself is what allowed me to change. I know I wasn't always the best to you, and I recognized that and made an active decision to change that. Buy you don't see it, never even given me the chance. What is that? You were given countless chances, not only by me, yet you believe it is perfectly fine not to give others any chances. This is what recently destroyed me, more than your relapse did. I am a person too.


You said it first, because you always have to get the last word in, but now I say it to you... Good riddance.