Confessions of a Blogger Pt III

A couple weeks ago after finishing up a post, I started rereading various older posts. I went from laughing to crying and back again. I cannot properly describe the thrill and the gratitude I feel having this blog. Possessing the ability to look back at some of my deepest thoughts, dreams, and life experiences filled with such personal detail allows me to relive those moments as they have blurred in my memory as time passes. It's truly wonderful.

Two posts in particular reminded me to write another. Confessions of a Blogger Part I and Part II. Honestly, even reading those I don't remember exactly who I wrote every single one for, which actually makes the experience fun for myself. Immediately after reading them I decided to pull out my notebook and do it again. To write of those in my life currently and those who recently left my life. I noticed a trend that they were more positive than the other confessions were, part of me feels I did that on purpose, yet they are all true. But anyways, I'm here to write them and I know I'm going to change or add more to each entry than I previously wrote to more accurately express my feelings today.

I am so glad to have forgiven you and have you back. I have to remind myself now how happy I am every time I spend time with you. I love you. And I am so happy to be able to say that and feel it again.

I am so happy for you. Things are working out. I'm adjusting, but have no problems. I'm relieved to know there is someone to take care of you now. And mostly, I'm immensely overjoyed that you are still here.

As I told you, the ball is in your court. But just this week, things have happened and the court is long gone. You have burned so many bridges and I'm done. I told you I never wanted to go through this again. Yet you are still the most selfish and immature person I have ever known. I love you but I do not like anything about you.

I love you dearly, I look forward to where our life together takes us. You help me evolve and I owe so much of myself to you. You are that voice in my head. It is the most incredible feeling to have a true friend, for life.

You are the other voice in my head that comes and goes, it is loudest in cases of major life choices. You are the voice that urges me, that reminds me not to waste myself. It is a hard voice to hear sometimes, but I wouldn't change it. I still think about you every day. Texting between us has changed, I know. I miss you and still worry about you. I know I can never fully relate to how you are feeling, but I will always listen. I'm here. I love you.

I am thrilled for you and slowly shaking this bad feeling. I truly hope it is irrational and doesn't mean anything, but I still worry. You will always be my blood. Just keep letting me be a part of it, please.

I am less angry or more accurately less obsessed about what happened between us. There is still rage, but I no longer think about it everyday. It has been over 2 years and I have to remind myself that you guys were not good friends, I was there for you, but you were no longer there for me. You were cowards, never giving me the opportunity to speak, instead you cower in your corner with your fucking assumptions of who you think I am and what I have done. I remember that night vividly. Obviously you guys used it as a crutch, getting rid of me rather than deal with the very problems you two were having. Fucking cowards. I did not deserve any of it, but thanks a lot.

Despite what you say, I still wonder if you would sleep with me if I ever gave you the chance. It is the only thing that truly makes me only a little uncomfortable when we are alone late in the night. On a side note, I really wished you came around more, and let me help you.

I'm over it, but I still blame you. However, I have learned a ton about myself, sexually mostly. So there are no longer any regrets, but merely an example of what I should not put up with.

I'm still very sorry. And thank you for everything you have ever given to me, your time, care, space, love, openness, food, and experience. You were there for me during the worst time of my life, and it was beautiful.

I hope you grow up, and grow. You do deserve what you want.

I have a strange attraction to you, but it is merely a reflection of the traits you have that I seek in someone. I just hope you are getting everything and more of what you want.

You have been there for me in some dark times of my life, for that I am thankful. I cherish that and the fact that I can be myself. You make me look into myself with fresh eyes. I only hope that you grow too, you need it.

I recently wondered but not for the first time what it would be like if we dated. But the moment is gone.

I'm sorry if I hurt you by telling you that there are no chances left for us. I think you are a great person but I don't understand you and don't think I ever will. Moreover, you seem to feel strongly that you know me well, but the reality is that you don't know me at all. At all.

I love you and hope everything will be okay. Part of it is life, but part of it is the growth that life requires of you. You can't always be the same, nor will anything else.

Goodbye.

First of all, I do love you. Our friendship has been through a lot of interesting things to say the least. I feel like we can conduct ourselves like adults. But there is always this annoyance I have with you. Part of it is you, part of it is me. I have to get over it but it isn't always easy. I still like to continue to believe that we are bonded for life. Also, when you get with her, you are a completely different person. I have seen better of you.

I hate the feeling that our time is always limited together, but without a doubt I consider you to be one of my closest fiends. You are insanely supportive and wonderful. In light and in darkness, you shine. Thank you for honesty and your open-mindedness.

I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am for what has happened to you and your family. I hope more than anything that all will be well and you can find someone again. You are one of the most open and generous souls I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I have to remind myself that you are one of the strongest individuals out there. I hope you reach out soon, I'm ready when you are.

I wish I didn't feel so compelled to reverse some of your bad parenting. However, I am not perfect either. I am trying. Thank you for the opportunity but I'm not sure how much more I can take.

I think about you and still love and care for you. But I cannot deal with your mother. You are an incredible being, I will remember you forever. I hope you live a long and blissful life, and I hope your mother will be truly happy someday. One final thing though, she needs to learn to genuinely appreciate those around her, rather than using this passive aggressive bullshit that only pushes them away. Not only pushes them from her, but from you. She may deserve it, but you don't. And for that I'm sorry I had to say goodbye. Goodbye beautiful soul.

I want you, but you are not real.

You are a wonderful addition to the family. So glad you came into our lives. That first week really helped me, in some way you live in his shadow, but add your own joyous personality. I thank whatever fate that brought you to us, and especially to him. He needed you more than I can imagine.

I fear the day I will never get to tell you this: having you watch over me and my family brings me great comfort and security. Thank you for everything you have ever done since and before my birth.

I don't think I will ever tell you that you expect too much. I can't because I do understand you, in some ways I am like you but my passion is not for the same cause. Eventually you will break us down.

You are fantastic. You are beautiful. There will be others who will love to love you. Enjoy your time and don't focus on the dirt so much. Do what feels right. Be around those that feel right. Stop taking shit and stop holding the rage. Share your sunshine.

I hope he changes your life in ways we cannot even imagine.

You haunt me. It comforts me to know that bad things usually happen to bad people. Karma is no bitch, she is righteous.

You are a great friend. We have many similar things in our life and you have helped me with them, even without trying. I'm glad we became friends and you are still a sister from another mother to me.

I'm happy you were around, but sadly I feel I am losing patience and am letting go.

There is a sense of selfishness to you that pushes my buttons in just the right way. You are a good person but I definitely see now how people like you and I can bump heads.

I really like you, but god you talk a lot!

You are not right for the job. I can tolerate only parts of you but we are not friends. And never will be.

I hope your families have found a way to cope. I hope they cherish your memories and celebrate your life. I am lucky to have had the chance to know you all, even if it was for a short time.

You are genuine and kind, a great friend. I am always surprised by you as I get to know you, and you continue to impress me. Thanks for being true.

You're bananas and I love you. Thank you so much for being a real friend. Your support, kindness, and care means the world to me. Thank you for talking to me everyday in the beginning and building a friendship that surpassed any expectations I could have.

I have a feeling she will live. And she did. You will be a fantastic mother to your first daughter. Remember me though, I want you to stand up for yourself. I will no longer be there to help you. Take care, beautiful girl.

You're just another fucking crazy woman. Thanks for letting me figure it out, glad I tried. Good fucking luck.

What is wrong with you? What are you hiding?

Our friendship is unique for sure. My expectations of you are usually reasonable but I still find myself expecting just a little more. Regardless, I'm glad your back.

I don't know how to properly and concisely express how I feel about you but I just wish you were better, not as a person, but that you are healed and moved on. You like your holes, but never make attempts to get out of them unless it suits you. Your son deserves more now, and I could never tell you that. Hell, it's the first I've ever thought it, but it is true.

You are special but I will never get close, or I feel you won't let me. I can respect that, I take whatever you are comfortable to give. Rather recently, we have grown closer and I feel our friendship is becoming more and more plausible. I want to thank you for being a friend to her and giving her what she needs, something that I cannot give her. Your perspective is valuable. I dearly hope you can see me for me and not what you have heard.

I am beginning to understand you more and more. I hope you feel you can be yourself around me. I'm sorry for any bumps along the road I may have caused, but I no longer doubt the love you have for him. Just know I will always want to protect him, but most of all, thank you for making him happy. I hope it lasts a lifetime.