Confessions of a Blogger Pt I

I'm jealous of just about every single person you choose over me. I've loved you your entire life and will continue to do so, yet I never feel I'm enough for you. I'm right here.

I miss you and always wish the best for your life. At the same time, our ever separating relationship is giving me the chance to realize how much inequality exists between us. But I will always unconditionally love you.

I like you. And I wanted to smack you so much for possibly not knowing that. I hated seeing that you seem to torture yourself with the thoughts that I rather be talking to someone else. That bothered me.

Your life is so much better now, but I still worry about you just the same. You're a selfish and very lazy person and I'm still not sure how you will make it on your own. It's hard for me to think about. But I do know, that I will not take care of you. It's not my job. Not my job to keep throwing things down a hole.

I think you guys deserve each other. Both of you are closeted dramatics that will eventually ruin each other. You're perfect. I have no words to say to either of you, except for thanks for teaching me that people of all ages can be ridiculously immature, unstable, and uncertain. I don't have time for that.

I hope we're on the same page. It's strange how I am able to separate things now, but then again it doesn't seem any different. So it's no surprise. I just have no idea what you're expecting of me and for some funny reason I really don't feel like putting effort into you or trying to figure it out. I just don't care, I'm over it.

There's something impenetrable about you that I can't quite grasp. I didn't entirely realize that til now, but I think it affects us.

You're the reason why I realized I didn't have sparks for someone else. Even when I wasn't admitting it to myself at the time. So amongst the many other things, I'm very glad for your existence in this case.

The thought of you dead eases me far more than the fact that you're alive.

You're a horrible person although you deliberately make yourself appear like you have a heart. In reality you couldn't care less about the people around you. You're utterly selfish and you will never grow up. I'm glad things between us didn't last long at all.

Your presence in my life has had an extraordinary effect. The fluctuations, the timing, the situations, and the now...I'm grateful for it all. And I do truly hope it never ends. I also hope I give you what you give to me. I hope that I am the best friend I can be for you. I love you dearly.

Our lack of communication is annoying, although I've always known you're like this. I still and always will enjoy your company, we're just not as close anymore. But all in all, I am happy for you.

The love you have for him gives me so much goddamn hope for my romantic future it's ridiculous. I hope it never ends for you....for me.

I wish I could do more for you. Often I feel helpless and paralyzed. There's nothing more I want for you than happiness.

I was never really attracted to you.

Your simplicity frustrates me, but your insane humor makes you tolerable.

I hope karma takes care of all of you.

I have a hard time imagining you sexually, but yet it still gets me off.

I can't stand your fakeness. You never changed and it makes me sick that you probably never will.

I don't think I will ever love you again. Nor trust you.

All your children's futures scare me. If the world is going to have more children...we need better ones.

I'm slightly jealous of the looks you give her.

I wish I felt any sort of comfort to sit down and talk to you. To discover memories of your life, my childhood, to have you back. But I know it will never seem right. I always feel pressured by you, to love you. Love is far from what I feel for you.

I don't want you. But I like the idea that you want me.

I want us to be closer friends. I'm still just a little awkward around you. But I have so much respect for you and hope you stick around. And your protectiveness of me is greatly appreciated although it does scare me just a little bit. Your senses, I feel overly conscious of what I say around you.

Even in our distinct separateness, I wonder if you ever view me in a sexual light. At the same time, I will never want to hear the answer.

I miss you like your death was yesterday. I still dream of you and yearn for you. It will never be the same.

I really don't think it would go anywhere. Part of me knows exactly what to do. Part of me doesn't want to listen. But I am scared.

I have been waiting for you to ask me.

You are crazy, just as I was exactly afraid of. I'm grateful for the learning lessons our experience brought to me. However I have found that I have given up, possibly.

I wish you would do something for me for once.

I have often imagined sleeping in your bed, even if I was alone.

Your growing apparent unhappiness is worrying me. I understand it's a very complex situation, but somethings gotta change. Because it hurts me to watch.

I often wonder what it is about her that made you decide to be with her. She fascinates me but worries me. I am just a little jealous although I'm starting to realize there is nothing to be jealous of.

I can never tell if you're attracted to me, you give off weird hints. I may not be interested in you, but your actions towards me intrigue and confuse me.

I secretly hope that I can improve the quality of your life in some way. But I worry if that's a major cause for my ongoing interaction with you. I know it's not the sole case, but I do worry my mind is creating more than I need it too.

I want to talk about it, but then I don't.

I don't know if I will ever be able to tell you why you fucked my life. It's been nearly 8 years and we still haven't had the conversation. I think telling you won't make a difference to how I feel about you and I don't want you to start acting like you can fix it when in reality I'm probably not going to give you the chance to.

I may miss your sexual openness and experimental nature but I've had more satisfying experiences.

I wonder how often you think of me, and what goes on in your mind.

I hate that my lack of interests in social networking leaves me out of all of your lives in some way.

I didn't want children with you.

I hate that you were the best sex I had and that's exactly what you wanted to be. I want to meet someone to change that. However, you and I never had a connection in sex, it was merely physical pleasure, not the whole package.

I don't know where you are, but I'm thinking of you.

You're such a selfish demeaning bitch. I don't know why you still come up in my thoughts. I do revel in the thought that you're no different and that stronger people have probably left you broken on several occasions.

I'm just not interested, stop pushing it.

I wish we weren't so awkward, we could have a stronger friendship for I think you need it. I hope you and your sister's lives become less worrisome and difficult.

I wish you could find someone you can tolerate. I can't actually imagine it, but damn I want you happy and involved in something other than work and us.

Whoever you are, come find me.