This is a second confessional post as I had promised and described here. Now, a majority was drafted in March, which means that some things discussed here may or may not have been altered since that time. Many major points have not, however the difference is I am interested in a long term relationship currently. The final paragraphs were started in March also, but finished around the time this post was published [as they will be noted]. Another disclaimer I must make, as always, is a lot of what I say here is not the whole story. There's always more where this comes from, but I have to be selective, and still private to some degree. As I also prefer to focus on particular aspects that seem of more importance at a given time.
The sex I have had with much older men has actually been almost completely unsatisfying. First, my expectations were very high. Second, their technique and skills and endowments were all a let down. Unfortunately for me, the act of it still was of desire. Why did I do it, even when after it never satisfied my constant craving? The act alone, the affection, the fact that someone wanted me, was the sole slight satisfaction I ever got. It makes me wonder if I will ever be satisfied. Oddly I feel a contradiction in myself. In a way, I'm easy to please [I stress in a way], but in the long run I actually am not. The act of desiring and wanting is so strong in me, and it's starting to feel more wonderful than actually getting what I want. It all seems dangerous.
I still to this day restrain myself in just about every aspect of my life. Self control, as much as I want it and feel stable with it is probably going to be my demise. My repressed sexual energy is the worst. Repressed thoughts. Repressed touches. It's not just sex, but the very things in intimate activity that I thoroughly enjoy that most people do not. It makes me lifeless because I just stop using my hands...which is just unheard of to me. Not being able to be my all, produces this very watered down version of myself that I don't like. Because I'm either all or nothing. And all these restraints aren't even totally other people's fault, but my own as well. It's getting harder and harder for me to tolerate being this way. I know that any reader's immediate response to this is, "then don't do it!" But the reality is, it's hard to find someone that will tolerate my intensity, not even just tolerating but allowing it, liking it.
[This paragraph was written in July] Obsessive self control is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. As I said in a previous post, my love is exponential and I want to share it without restrictions. I feel so strongly about that and I never fully realized it til writing that. I want to do what my body feels. I want to stop stopping my humanly urges, with friends, with lovers, with family. I want to kiss someone in the moment, I want them to know I love them and that I'm here for them. I want to tell them all the things I feel without them shutting me out or feeling uncomfortable. I want to hold their hands just because I feel like it. I don't ever want it to be an invasion of space or privacy. I don't ever want it to cause discomfort or awkwardness. I just want to love.
I really don't want children. I will readily admit that I do often think about it, imagine myself as a parent, imagine what I would do, the names, etc. I will easily agree with the large handful of people that say I would be a wonderful mother. What I won't readily admit is that I'm afraid I will have children in the future and that I won't be sticking to my firm word of not having kids. Yes, I'm stubborn. And children are serious fucking business either way. I will not discuss why I don't want kids at any length, not here. It's too emotional and controversial to some and I just hate talking about it particularly to people that don't even know me. Yesterday [this was drafted in March] my best friend said that she really does see me as a mother in my future. She feels insanely strong about that. She doesn't just say that out of some elementary form of expectation but more in an oracle-like fashion. The worst thing is, I think I believe her. It's conflicting, because she is incredibly intuitive and I believe every insight she has about others, but the fact that she could be right about something like this is scary to me and she knows it. I just really don't want to give in. Yet, I do have this minuscule thrill of being the most awesome mom in the world. The simple reason she gave me was that I "love people too much." There's just no way around it. It's probably one of the best compliments I could get, and it is ultimately the truth. I really do love people, so so much.
I'm writing this down for future reference to see if she's ever right. I just so badly want to prove her and everyone else wrong...It's all so silly I know but this is in fact the confession. The uplifting part about what she said was the inclusion of a partner, the right person for me, was going to be part of that future in her vision. I do like the sound of that.
A funny thing to add to the topic of kids is something I did about 3 years ago. I had, for quite some time, wanted to pierce my nipples. At the time of my peak in wanting to do so I was dating this guy. This guy didn't seem thrilled by the idea at all. So I reluctantly put it off, while keeping it in the back of my mind. The day after I broke up with the guy the idea jumped into my brain and out of my mouth with such excitement. But there was one final thing I wanted to do before making that decision. I wanted to research the myth that it interferes with the future ability to breastfeed. As soon as I found out it was not true, my friend and I went to go get piercings. Although those piercings only lasted a couple months for me, it was pretty interesting that I cared enough to make sure that it wouldn't affect the possibility of raising kids. Fascinating.
It's odd, how I feel over the course of my life in regards to relationships. To be more specific I am talking about my wants. It all started out that I wanted to grow old with one person. To be married, no kids, and just a wonderful life of me and my spouse. Marriage eventually grew out of the picture [the line there is actually a little flexible]. And now I don't emphasize at all the idea of being with one person. At least I'm not focusing all my energy into it. Ideally, like just about everyone else, I would like that. However, currently I'm in a place in my life where I don't really want to be in a seriously long relationship. I actually don't mind being with several people, obviously not all at once. However, the fact of the matter is, I haven't found that right person...so I'm told constantly and unfortunately agree to. As of now, I'm fine with more short-term relationships for I don't feel this overwhelming need to be with someone nor do I feel the need to be with someone now and forever.
On top of all that, I know what I want but for some goddamn reason I don't go with it. I decide to go with the flow and experiment. Never in my life until after high school or even more so later did I have the care in the world to experiment. I never considered myself an experimental person, not in the sense that I didn't do anything but most things that kids, teenagers, young adults do, I didn't. I also didn't feel the need to experiment mostly because I am such a vicarious and empathetic person that I could experience it through others and easily learn from their mistakes. Now it's a little different that I'm doing those things. But a lot also is I was very strict on myself as a child. Work, school, my progress in life was far more important to me. So I was always a nervous wreck about things and put a lot of time and effort in to my studies. I was the typical goody good. The amazing thing was, I took care of myself. My parents never had to worry about me and it wasn't them that pressured me, it was all me. Plus, I enjoyed being the smartest girl in school.
The question is why am I doing this? Why am I experimenting and why am I doing a lot of things I know aren't right for me? Part of why is because I'm attempting to have fun, and to make up for the fun I missed out on as a child. The other parts are so deeply psychological that I'm not even going to try to analyze them now.
The following confessions were noted in March but finished in July.
A major thing that scares the crap out of me is the process of getting involved with someone...that literally everything makes me nervous... These things almost make me avoid relationships sometimes. I get really intimidated by people, and by people I like and am attracted to. But this also ties in my bad habit of putting people on a pedestal and lowering my self worth. That's something I've been working on in the last year but it's still there. Anyways, that aside, what makes me nervous is all the novelty. Getting to know things about a person, getting to know their friends, getting to know their family, getting along with these people, learning music, food, film, book, sports, art, hobbies, that they like and what we have in common. Learning their communicative skills, finding a way to talk to them, to mesh with them. Comparing their jobs and living situation to my own. Learning to be able to sleep next to them. Learning to touch them. Being with them in public. Them meeting my friends and liking them. It freaks me out, plain and simple. I've talked myself out of so many potential dates/partners. But the worry is almost futile for I've gone through this over and over and without too much difficulty. However, that's all that makes a break up more devastating, all that work, to be suddenly completely cut off. My point here is that all this makes me incredibly nervous, that's my confession.
Another horrible habit of mine is that I always put other's happiness before my own. There's really no need to elaborate such a simple and clear put sentence.
I think I'm good on confessions for right now. Writing these months ago had made my heart race in how vulnerable yet exciting this was. However, since I've had this draft saved for so long and I've actually put off writing posts that have some related content to whatever is on here, I've grown accustomed to its existence.
And now I'm okay with it.
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