The Watcher

I am constantly taking in the world. Constantly perceiving. I am always watching those around me, thinking about them. When I'm driving, I notice almost all the people on the streets, wondering about their lives. It all goes on in my head so fast that I don't realize fully what I'm thinking but I'm making a picture of each of their lives, of their moments just then, of their personality. I look at the cars around me, look at the models, the blemishes, the bumper stickers, the license plates. It came to me that if someone took a day to hear the thoughts in my head they would be overwhelmed with the pace and the uniqueness of the thoughts. I'm gathering everything around me every nanosecond. At the same time, I'm thinking about myself and what I want to do with life. I'm obsessed with time. Every second matters, but I don't even know what to do with it anymore. I've spent so much time alone that I'm starting to develop more social anxiety. I've always felt comfortable watching. My eyes rule me. I often pretend I don't notice some things. Sometimes I even notice things that others do not, while I'm left out of whatever is going on directly in front of me. Profound thoughts still come to me most when I'm sleeping, in the theatre watching movie previews, and when driving. It's almost come to the fact that it's all running so fast that I cannot hold onto a thought to visit later and that in part is the reason for my lack of blogging. My mind is changing and I'm changing and I don't know what to write about but I could write about everything. So many new things in my head that I have to develop a whole new writing style to accommodate it. I'm also in my head so much that I'm beginning to have a harder time externalizing it sometimes. What is going on? Where is my mind? Everywhere and here.

I feel like there is so much going on in my life and am for some reason, less inclined to write about it. Am I trying to move on? Am I not ready to share some things because I'm still processing them? Am I now writing the aftermath rather than the process?

If I look at my first writings in the blog and compare them to a couple years ago, they have evolved so much and continue to do so. They've become so much longer, more serious, less filled with pictures. I started this blog June of 2008, when I was 20. This wonderful digital journal has covered 6 years of my life and I intend to keep it for as long as possible. To be able to track your mind is amazing.

For now, I'll let it wander.