For Every Shadow, No Matter How Deep, is Threatened By Morning Light.

June 30th, was the one year anniversary of my grandma's death. I wrote about her death that day, here.

Ever since that day, I have cried countless times. I have forgotten that she was no longer with us. I do talk about her in both present and past tense now. After the birth of my niece, all we could see was grandma's face in hers. Not always, but sometimes we still do. Holiday traditions have remained partially the same. The house feels different without her and always will.

There was something I never shared on here, because it was too hard. It happened nearly a year ago now and has been in the forefront of my mind lately. July of 2016, I went on a road trip to Wyoming with my best friend and her family. Wyoming is the home of my best friend's, B, grandparents, a place she spent her summers as a child. A place she wanted to share with us. Wyoming was have a big annual rodeo that were we planning to attend as well. Despite my grandma's recent death, I still planned to go, for we have planned it for months and I was looking forward to the vacation. The drive to Wyoming from Phoenix is about 24 hours long, and we planned to drive all the way through, all 5 of us. B's mom also had her 20th high school reunion, which we were to help set up and attend the day we got in. The trip was delayed by a few hours as we had issues with the car rental company. Once on the road, things went mostly smoothly. The rental van was not the most comfortable but it fit us all, but we missed a lot of sleep. There was major construction along the way in Colorado which delayed us further. Because we arrived later than expected, we had to jump right into helping with the reunion, as tired an road weary as we were. It was fun and kind of delirious. Once done, we were able to get back to the house and take showers and naps before the reunion. The house we were staying at was not very large, but they had a large amount of property. B's younger sister and I stayed in a camper outside, while B and her husband stayed in another, B's mom and her fiance stayed in a guest room inside the house. The camper I stayed in was comfortable, I slept well, with the windows open to let the Wyoming wind in. Wyoming was gorgeous and the sky was beautiful all day and all night. It was warm, but not as warm as Phoenix and the wind helped greatly. Prior to the reunion there was a parade for the rodeo and we watched part of the parade and had BBQ. The reunion was held later that night at the Shriner's palace that B's grandparents were members of. The building was old and had a lot of stories to tell. It was beautiful and successful. It was fun meeting all sorts of people, a great number of whom also has or currently lives in Arizona.

The next day was the rodeo which went on until late in the night. We had breakfast together, hung around the campers and the house. B, her sister and I went on a walk around the property. We took some beautiful pictures and heard some stories about the area from B's childhood. While on our walk, we heard the sounds of sirens and were surprised to hear them since it's such a large land with houses spread over a distance. As we thought the sound would pass, it started to get closer. It drove past us and towards the house we were staying at, there is one other house nearby. Dread filled us and we walked and hiked as quickly as we could to the house. The ambulance was at the house, inside the house. Paramedics surrounded B's grandma. We gathered in the dining and living area, listening intently. After some time, we discovered that B's grandma had a stroke. She was talking but not efficiently. The paramedics wanted to take her to the hospital but she didn't want to go. Finally they, we, convinced her to go. Had we not been there, she probably would have never went. We each got in a vehicle and drove to the closest hospital. At the hospital, they only let a few people into the room with her. The hospital was a small one and mostly deserted, we didn't know exactly where to go. B's husband, her mom's fiance, and I waited in the waiting room. I felt so emotional and was so worried, all I could think of was my grandma. I didn't want to, but all I could do was cry and wait. I had found out what happened. B's mom and her fiance were taking a nap in the guest room, B's husband was napping on the couch in the living room, while B's grandparents were cleaning up in the kitchen. A glass was dropped and shattered, through B's husband's slumber, he heard "Oh shit," or something like that and he just thought it was his wife, another glass shattered and B's mom woke up and came out. She saw her mom, face drooping and slurring her speech. Paramedics were called and the rest of the house woke up.

After hours of waiting in the waiting room, Nana got admitted into a room and we were all able to go and visit her. She was weak and talking but still not at a normal rate. All we could do was sit and stare at her. They made some calls to family and friends, some of whom were able to visit her. We stayed until late and missed the rodeo. Nana was able to make jokes and stay lively and didn't want too much fuss over her. She was frustrated with her inability to speak fluently, but you could still gather what she was trying to say. The next day, the girls stayed with her at the hospital and spent time with her. They were still running tests to find out everything. She was to stay in the hospital for a few more days or so and then move to a better rehabilitation center some hours away. I have not seen her since but she is doing much better but still needs to take better care of her health, she is a stubborn woman and even her daughter has suffered a stroke some years before and isn't doing as much as she could with her own health. The timeline of this trip is a little off but I do know we stayed a few nights and still had to get back to our respective jobs. The drive back was okay until we got some dozen of miles back into Arizona and we got a flat tire on the back of the van after dark. We were still kind of far from civilization and no place could accommodate us in a timely matter and we had no option to stay overnight either. So we, in the dark barely on the side of the road, had to move the heavy luggage towards the middle of the van and put the spare tire on. I don't think I have ever been so nervous and scared in my life so I had to stay quiet because I was freaking everyone else out. From there we had to drive under 55 miles per hour on the spare tire all the way back to Phoenix. It was so nerve wrecking that all I could do was close my eyes and try to sleep and block it all out. Once we arrived in Flagstaff we had to get some food and switch drivers, because the current driver and passenger could no longer stay awake. So we woke up the fiance and it was his turn to drive, and he was barely lucid, I had to ride shot gun to keep a look out for deer and make sure he never went over 55 mph. So fucking stressful especially in pitch black darkness. As soon as he started driving, he was going the wrong way and it really made me question his alertness. But we kept driving on as the others caught up on their sleep. I had to announce the speed limit every time he was close to 55 to get him to slow down. Eventually, we were closer and everyone woke up and we stopped for gas and had the original driver take over. I offered but I think they knew I was too stressed out. Finally, around 4am or so, we made it to B's house. And I had to drive the fiance back home and then back to my bed. I had never been so tired and worn out in my life. I slept the whole next day and wanted to forget almost everything that had ever happened. It took time to recover.


Again, we were insanely fortunate to be there when the stroke happened. I would not want to wish that on anyone, as I have suffered it with my grandma for most of my life.

A year later, what I had learned from my grandma's death is that I had long before accepted her death, what I did not accept was her absence. Her absence from this life trips me up every time. I drive or even work near her house occasionally and think of her, moments later realization sets in. She is still in our hearts. I know my family still talks to her, they visit the tree where we each spread some of her ashes. I do not talk to her, but think of her often. Her smile still shines brightly in my mind. I can still hear her voice. I do miss her, I miss her hugs, her little dances, her laughter, her hands, her acceptance, her support. Her love.