Unpacking

It's funny that my last post was about Keanu Reeves, it was supposed to inspire positivity. 2020 has been anything but positive. I'm writing this in a time that has got us all down in some shape or form(s). I've never, in my life, had so much change in such a small period of time. A lot of good came out of it, and I have immense gratitude. However whenever things start to steamroll my life, I always wait for the breakdown, and it typically never comes. That always surprises me.

But it came. And in some weird way I'm grateful for it. But I realized I have a lot to unpack. So I'm forcing myself to do it because I know it will be good for me, not just now, but for my future too.

I have a lifetime and the present in my suitcase right now. I have my own personal affairs and current world events packed into a small space. I will focus on my personal affairs in this particular post and the world events such as COVID-19 and Black Lives Matter and how Trump has shown further incompetency in his handling of both of these and further dividing our country will be in a different post.

I don't really know where to start other than chronologically. March 2020. Something happened that I feared would happen again. My mom relapsed, and relapsed bad. Before March of 2020, the last I saw her was May 2019 around Mother's Day. She said she was sick with something physical and could not figure out what it was and that is why she distanced herself from me. But as time went, I had this lingering thought that my brother, who also relapsed, confirmed, she was drinking again. I was not sure if he was telling the truth, because he was battling his own demons still and trying to take anyone else down with him, to put blame and focus on others rather than himself. I had a conversation with my mom some time ago when she was sober and told her that if she ever did relapse there no promise that I would not do what I've done in the past. To give distance. I cannot be there, see her like that. But with my progress, I learned that I could at least let her know that I was there for her if she needed help. My dad, since I was 15, has burned the wise words into my brain, "You cannot help those that will not help themselves." So with my program I've learned to take care of myself first and foremost, which I have never done before. But also to recognize the state of the struggling loved ones and to let them know you still love them and that you are there for them when they are ready. I had to create healthy boundaries for myself. This is great progress for me and I'm proud of that. That moment came in March where I had to let her know I was still there.

I received an alarming text from my mom's employer at 4 in the morning. I had just woken up for work but knew I had to do something, but not everything. I spent the morning researching and compiling a list of shelters, facilities, and care for addicts that have no home or health insurance. My mom lost her job and her home. Both were intertwined as she was an in-home caregiver. It finally happened. I was surprised it hadn't happened sooner but most addicts are skilled at lying and hiding. Even though the employer did not know what was truly happening to my mom, I wanted to give my mom dignity, not to reveal such. I was asked to go and try to retrieve her from an Air BnB that she was abusing her stay at. Her former employer arranged and purchased her temporary stay so that she could have time to find a more permanent place after they let her go. I planned to go see her. My emotions were wild. I had to prepare for future trauma. How the fuck does someone do that? I imagined the worst to ease any blow. I still was unsure of the situation and did not have the whole picture. Once the sun was out and it was a reasonable time in the morning I went, it was quite a drive and took about an hour until I finally found her.

She did not even see me at first. I found her outside the house, smoking in her car. She was surprised I was there. She didn't understand why or how I was there and all I could say was that they called me to to tell her she had to leave before the cops would possibly be called. I gave her the list I compiled. I told her if she wanted help I was there. What I've realized since, is that when my mom is under the influence, she is a very ugly person. Polar opposite of what she really is. She is one of those unconditionally loving and accepting people, when she's sober. With those polar differences it makes so incredibly hard to see and be on the receiving end of her ugliness. She said to me, "I thought you didn't love me anymore." I understand what she meant by it but it was an ugly and uncharacteristic thing to say. This statement alone, brought back all of the trauma from my younger years. All of the more horrible things she has said to or about me.

 It was important to me that I planned to show up, but not to take her with me. That is what I did. The deep older version of me hoped it would be enough, but it never is. Which only further proves all the work and therapy that I need to do. Later I got more phone calls. I got cornered in a phone conversation with another one of her employers (there are 3 daughters of her the woman she cared for, one gave me the original text message, another called me). In this phone call I tried to hold my place and to continue to give my mom dignity but this woman attacked me, saying without saying that I was a bad daughter. But she did not understand. Just did not understand. So I broke my vow to give my mom dignity and admitted that my mom was an alcoholic. She fell back a little on her attack on me, but I still know, she did not fully understand what I've been through in my entire life. The biggest lesson I've learned over the past few years is that anyone that has never been through this, just does not, cannot relate to what I have gone through, what any of us as loved ones of addicts have gone and continue to go through regardless of the current status of the addict.

My mom asked me to leave and I respected that. I did my part that I planned to do. I know that I cannot change or force a person and had no intention of doing so. And it is unhealthy of me to wrap my whole existence on trying to do it. She said she was going to leave and go to a shelter she has been to before. But later was when I got the call from the daughter and the homeowner that she has not left the house. I urged the daughter to take upon her threat of calling the cops because they could do something I could and would not. I never heard anything from anyone after that. To this day I still don't know what happened. I spent the next 2 weeks looking online for any arrest or court records and found nothing. She could of been arrested. She could of gone to a shelter. She could of gotten help from the employers. I do not know and it does not need to be my responsibility.

That day, before the last bombarding phone call, I went to my dad's house. My brother, who had just gotten out of jail was there. He appeared strung out, worse than my mom looked earlier that morning. We didn't say a lot to each other other than talk about love and missing each other. He left with my dad and stepmom to go retrieve his car that he had just wrecked in an accident under the influence. I recently found out that since my brother has been out of rehab since November 2019 has had yet another overdose or maybe 2 and still threatens my dad all the bad things he will do. Still not taking any responsibility or accountability for himself, still no growth but full expectation that my dad take care of him. It's been a lifelong experience of watching my dad take him in and in again and again. My brother only reaches out to my dad when he wants something. My dad is finally creating some boundaries for himself. My dad recently said that the reason he helps him, in specific times, is because my brother is trying to do better. So when my brother tries to get better, my dad helps. I finally understand that now. But then every step forward is ten steps back and we are right in the beginning of the cycle again. There's more to it, but it's just hard to get into it. Hard to paint the real picture. I know my dad's history in his life, the bad choices he made, the things his parents did and did not do, all affect him in his interactions and decisions with my brother. I know it pains him deeply. I cannot do much for him except live my life the best that I can so he does not have to worry about me too (even though he does). The message still rings true, you can't help them if they don't want to help themselves. I want them to be better, but I know that is not on me. I can't do what they have to do for themselves. All I can do is wait for that moment they call on me to help them when they are ready. When that time comes, if that time comes, I will do my best. Until then, I have to work through my trauma, my upbringing, my issues of unworthiness for me. I have to learn to love me, despite all the damage.

In the meantime, I've put in 3 and a half years in a very toxic workplace. My loyalty to jobs is what keeps me there. My sense of unworthiness, keeps me there. Things were getting harder and harder and the reasons that kept me, weren't strong enough anymore. What I have to unpack here is the very recent realization that I have PTSD from this job. The last day I worked there was towards the end of April and I am just now realizing that I have not molted the skin I built there. I started a new job in May, it's only been a month and I have learned a thousand things about myself in a short period. I have been feeling immense emotions and have no idea what they are and where they are coming from. Until now I have some sort of idea.

Unfortunately because of COVID-19 I have not socialized truly with loved ones or even with myself for that matter. I have been so focused and even obsessed with COVID-19 that I have not paid any attention to myself and what I was going through. I would check in with myself on a certain level, and knew that my depression was taking on different forms. I was trying to be patient with myself and the changes that COVID-19 implemented into my life. But I still was missing a big part of what was going on with me. I finally had some face to face interaction with a friend the other day (distantly of course) and realized just how much I have to unpack. She, this friend, had also worked at the same job and left over a year before I did. We've had many conversations about all the bad that the job gives us, how it shapes you, we also recognized the little bit of good. I recognize them both in myself as well. I will say, the bad is what is killing me right now, it's truly why I'm making this post. She said it first, that I have PTSD. Now her and I don't use that term lightly, but it may not be completely accurate but the best way to get the point across. Unfortunately the real thing for me is that I learned horrible traits, behaviors, and expectations of shit. Expectations of being thrown under the bus, being treated as shit, being unable to trust anyone, being treated like shit by the few you eventually trust, having to cover and protect your ass at all times, having a worthless voice, being used as a pawn for anyone and for any reason, being told only when you do bad, not being acknowledged or rewarded for doing the job or doing good, complete lack of genuineness, lack of communication or respect, no boundaries......

 As much as I don't want to think about it, I know I have to do the work. It is affecting me deeply at my new job. I went from one job to the next. I had a week off but I realized that week was spent in isolation and constant worry about many variables of the unknown. I didn't release the hold of the old job. I don't even, in this moment, know the full effect. I'm writing my process out, something I have not done in over a year. I need to shed this skin before I lose or sabotage the rapport I could gain in my new job. I need to grieve what is lost, even if it is a good loss. It was my way of life for some time and I need to release it before I can create a healthier skin to live in.

I trained myself, and others, as a mentor, not to talk about your personal life because no one cares and will treat you badly if you do, even using it against you. I trained myself to be quiet and just observe at the beginning, but I am a person who will help and speak out for others and later I did that. I may not always speak out for myself, but I will help someone if I can. Speaking out lead to nothing. Speaking out lead to retribution, singling out, and no action. If you have anxiety or any mental illness, you would be misunderstood, wrongly labeled, and treated like shit for it, further heightening said mental illness. If you asked for help or tried to do your job by the book you were a nuisance, you were cast out. People that make strongly unethical shortcuts continued to be employed and were only fired if it positively affected upper management and served their agenda. If you were slower than others you were not respected, even if you actually worked when the others did not all. You could not go home unless the work was done, even if you were one of the few doing it. If you did work, you would be used over and over and the boundaries would continue to diminish further and further. If you did everything you could do to be a good employee and solve problems, you never got acknowledged. The people that did things that weren't part of their job description got recognition, even employee of the month although they actually didn't do anything in their job description. Safety was only a concern for corporate office workers. They had us watch videos about safety and ergonomics yearly, but none of that pertained to the job we did. If we hurt ourselves we were punished and not properly taken care of. Working during COVID-19 they wanted us to be obvious about cleanliness in the eyes of customers, but didn't really care about actual cleanliness nor did they enforce any social distancing or cleaning protocol between employees. The customer was always right regardless of the fact that we were doing our job by the required strict federal regulations. Gossip, while told should not happen, happened on all levels. Despite strict regulations most things were not communicated to all employees, leaving a lot up to word of mouth which was mostly inaccurate. Management was not only incapable of the job, not knowledgeable nor reliable, and also forced to be divided by upper management. Conniving is the the best word used to describe all in upper management. Secrecy rather transparency was the model of operation. If you wanted change, you were the enemy. If you were part of the company for a long time you started to fall under the spell of all things fucked up. No accountability on all levels. Personal time, or I should say, your time off was not respected, you were owned by the company and the job at all times. High turnover rate due to new people being treated badly, even bullied, unless you knew someone in the company. Favoritism existed. People that worked there, myself included, that saw through the shit that refused to aspire to higher positions, were not given promotions for good work, they, along with everyone else was expected to apply. If you did apply, you will get turned down at least once, for most people usually twice or thrice. If you did apply to a different position internally, you not only were turned down, but given no reason as to why. On rare occasions, if you were given a reason and actively worked on it, you still were not given the position but rather an option of position of the same responsibilities with less pay. Upper management spread toxicity from the top, supervisors did not supervise as they learned from those before them which further enhanced the lack of accountability or striving to live up to what the position entailed. Bad behavior was never reprimanded, only attendance which is extremely strict and unrealistic. If you did have a demerit or anything against you, you may have not been communicated about it. If you have complaints against you, you may never hear them, and when you do, you'll hear them all at once as they try to weed you out unethically. If you did not go by the book but it serves upper management, you are not reprimanded. If you did not go by the book but it does not serve upper management you will be reprimanded, but only on a case by case basis due to whoever the fuck you personally pissed off, even if someone else did the same thing but was on good terms with management. If you did move up, you got closer to the source of toxicity, which would envelope you. The sheer amount of toxicity embedded in the department was so deeply embedded that you may be blind to it, and continue to be blind to it as it seeps into your work personality and worst of all your personal life. The general style of communication is seeped in negativity and defensiveness. It is aggressive and abrasive. Traffic/driving laws did not matter unless it actually got captured on a driver cam. We lived on fast food because we traveled at odd hours and didn't have full access to a cafeteria or limited access to a functioning break room/microwave. This personally has raised my blood pressure and other health issues. We ate our meals in cars and spent more money because of it. The physical toll alone is not good for any employees that have health/physical issues or limitations or are older. I had to go out of my way almost everyday to explain that I was hard of hearing to get someone else to do a phone call for me because the environment was too loud for me to hear/understand in. That alone was not only tiring to find someone available and to rely on and sometimes uncomfortable, but hard to express accurately in a short time frame. This was one good thing, the only good thing I will mention about this job in this post, that upper management was, for the most part, respectful about. However, one of the many reasons I declined to move up in the job was because the promotion would require more usage of the phone which I highly doubt the company would give accommodations for and would further ostracize and give me trouble for. Anyone on physical restrictions was shunned in some way, gossiped about, and treated differently. I mentioned gossip and disrespect multiple times, and it is important to note that while it should not matter too much what people think about you, but that's exactly it. They can think whatever they want, but in this work environment, it went beyond that. People were treated differently and poorly, it affected everyone and carried on that negative note/mood furthering the lack of teamwork. This caused division among people that should have been working together to deal with all the shit. Morale was low to begin with, and all of these things mentioned just brought it down, or it was simply nonexistent most of the time. True leadership is not a skill set you would see. Teamwork is never inspired, created, nor enforced. Only division and conflict were acceptable. Us against them on every level, between coworkers, between supervisors and staff, between management and everyone, between upper management and everyone below, even between employees and customers. Everyday the expectation was negativity and hardship from your own and from outsiders. Customers came at you about things you have no control or authority or voice over. Again our voice meant nothing, and we were the people to be in the field with the customers. If they had a problem, it was always with something we have no control over and if we were to voice it, it would immediately be shut down. Most customers did not respect the process nor cared for the safety of the blood supply, they just wanted to do a good deed even if it turned out to do more harm than good. It was to the point if we had bad complaints we would tell customers to complain to the company or the FDA because their voice meant immensely more than ours. Departments were separated, thus it was again, us against them. Different software systems, meant that if we changed something per the customers complaint, it would not reach the appropriate department, therefore nothing would be changed and we would still bare the brunt of the complaints and aggression. Recruitment department did everything they could to slam us with work only for the sake of numbers, but never cared about the rules in place to protect us, never cared about the workload they put upon us. It was a snowball effect causing more and more problems. If something went wrong they could easily blame us, furthering the incoming hostility and ill treatment. Also furthering the need to protect ourselves, that we are one against the world, that we have to survive on our own. Survival, that's what this job was. Constant striving for survival for the price of everything that I have lost.

This list, sadly and realistically, goes on. And this is just trying to remember, after being gone for just a month. If I were truly to go back into my shoes, which I do not want to do....maybe I need to, I do not know, the list would double or triple in size. This list was a purge of sorts and went in a direction I did not expect. While not all of these things happened to me specifically, they happened. No workplace should have this many fucked up things happening. I've seen a shift in everyone that I've ever worked with there. My cousin started there before me, while he stays away from most of the drama, all the technical, unethical, and fucked up stuff still exists and affects him. He is affected differently than I am, understandably, but he's worn out, he knows it's bad, but he also gets paid more and has a family to provide for. The main two things that seems to keep people there is the pay and the job itself, doing a good thing. It is hard to find a similar job that pays as much. Granted I worked 3 jobs while I was there, it pays decent but it was not enough for me. I've seen my coworker who I started with completely transform into a new person. She got sucked into the job, never said no, and is constantly taken advantage of, and now her work ethic and personality have basically turned to shit. Not to say that outside forces have not influenced her because it does. This job is incredibly difficult especially when bad/overwhelming things, like what I described for me earlier, are happening in your personal life. When life is hard and you have to come into a toxic work environment it feels like there's no end, there's no solution, no hope. I speak from experience for sure. This particular person has also treated me badly, along with a few others, because of a combination of life and this job. Almost as if it strips you of the tools to appropriately and acceptably deal with circumstances and not be an asshole/cunt. I've seen and helped new people adjust to this job, often they were in tears. It was such a struggle to know that the company is shit yet the work at the core of it was good. I felt like I basically had to teach people how to survive in this toxic workplace and to not let it affect them, even though it affected me every day. I had to welcome them and let them learn on their own what the environment truly was, and then maybe give them skills to cope. But really, how far does that go? How successful is it? How ethical is it? It felt not only misleading, but completely disheartening.

I left the job with 2 specific friendships that were very close at some point to not wanting anything to do with them. What happened with those friendships are haunting me now. They haunt me because now that I'm gone, they don't talk to me, it shows true colors. True colors that our friendships meant nothing at work and definitely not outside of work. With one, she let her own insecurities and the fucked up tools the job has embedded in her to treat me horrible. I understand it was also her true colors I saw too, not just the effect of the job. I did the work to repair it, I spoke up for myself, knowing that I could never trust her again. The other friendship has been withering away for some time, despite my efforts to create grounds for truth and giving space for her to process whatever she was going through. With both, before I left I realized they were problematic and that I was being treated quite poorly and did not need to have that in my life. My resignation happened right at the time. I've decided I'm done, I don't need or deserve to be treated this way. But I can't stop thinking about it, and that frustrates and hurts me. I have to learn to let go.

All of this purge has a purpose. The skin I have said has not molted. The skin that I built, shaped, and conformed around me in my last job, is affecting me in my new job. I feel like I'm coming at people hard. Some of it is in my own mind because I've learned this huge amount of defensiveness and need to protect and cover my ass regardless of circumstances. I already am an intense person but I usually start a new job as a watered down version of myself and feel the waters before I show any of my personality. While I feel like I'm not myself, at least not my fun self, I'm still not myself in the bad ways too. My communication style is intense and seemingly inappropriate or harsh. It's hard to tell exactly how I'm coming off because I keep feeling like I'm being a dick or being harsh even if I am not. I have formed a habit that I have to speak out and take a stand strongly since I believe I have no power in my words. I need to learn to calm myself, to slow down, to speak less intensely, to think before I speak. To have patience and to work with what I've got. To slow down to find the correct words to properly express myself without being harsh or hurting others. I think that I am being hurtful because of what I have learned, yet that might not be true at all, it could be in my head with this skin I have yet to shed. I have to let it go and start anew. I have to lead with gratitude and not believe that everyone is out to get me. I need to remember that people are truly there to help not to destroy me. I know that not every job is perfect, I have to correct my expectations and work with what I am given. I take my work, all of it, very seriously. It shows, but not in the ways I would like. I have to actively work on all this. I need to stop creating enemies where there are none. I also need to talk about it. I have a bad habit of not sharing what I am going through. Talking things through gives me clarity. I have to speak up with my loved ones about what I am going through especially work stuff. I need to write more to work through things on my own as well.