To Whom It May Concern

Hi friends and strangers. I'm writing this not necessarily with a known purpose but because I can and I probably should. I suffer from anxiety and versions of social anxiety, which is clear to most people that know me. But the one I don't talk about much or recognize explicitly in myself is depression. There's history of it in my family but I've always recognized that anxiety was more prominent in myself. But I don't recognize the times and/or seasons when I hide in my "shell" as I call it, as depression. But somehow I have more perspective now.

 A lot of shit has gone down in my life this last 2 years. I kept waiting for some sort of breakdown but it never came and I kept thinking, "I'm OK...? I must be stronger than I think." This thought has gone through my mind at least 6 times in the last 2 years. Yet I always wait for it to catch up to me. I feel it catching up to me now. I used to think it was my job that put me in these moods but the job has changed. My mental state has its cycles. I have to realize it and tell myself it, I'm depressed. I never fully understood how hard it is to reach out until now. I'm reaching out, step by step. I need to learn that my emotions are validated. They are real and they do matter despite what I've ever been told.

Yet I still apologize for how I act and what I say. I see myself from my rational side. But I am sorry to anyone I've affected negatively even in a fleeting moment. I'm trying. I'm also planning to go to Al-Anon for people with loved ones that have addictions. I have learned over the last few months that I need help in this arena because all my relatives are current and/or recovered addicts. I am slowly realizing how much all of this has shaped the person I am mentally. I need help too.