I kept going back and forth, deciding if I could go or not. I assumed my mom, aunt, and grandparents would definitely go. I kept checking the flight rates. The rates were pretty high at the time I originally checked. But I knew deep down I wanted to go, no matter what. As some months passed, I checked the rates again and again. I checked my savings account and thought, well half would go to my taxes and the other half would go to this flight. That wasn't a practical plan. So I opted out, just after as I was declaring more and more that I was going to go. I also discovered that my family wasn't able to go due to money and the deteriorating state of my grandma. I was really bummed, but was trying my best to be practical and smart.
I was also pushing my limits with other adult duties. I needed to renew my lease, turning in my financial information by April. I was procrastinating and waiting to do my taxes, hoping someone would help me like last year. Finally everything gained up on me. I had paperwork to finish for one job, taxes to finish, a painting to finish, wedding duties, and a lease to complete. The lease was the first to get done and approved. Always a strong sense of relief when that occurs. I never know if I make too much because I live in affordable housing and the paperwork just plain stresses me the fuck out. Next, I worked simultaneously on the painting and my time consuming work papers. I took the second to the last weekend before taxes were due to complete them. I set up my laptop, papers, and a bottle of wine and knocked it out in one night. Thanks to the help and notes I took last year, it was so much easier to complete. Once I finished it, an overwhelming sense of productivity and richness enveloped me. "I have money!!" I kept thinking. I ended up owing less than I expected. It was then, I decided I need to find a way to go to Tennessee. My gut had been speaking to me all along, no matter what practicality was saying, my gut kept pushing for Tennessee.
The day after I finished my taxes, I went to my friend's, who was the bride of the upcoming wedding for her to show me the ropes to watch her dogs during the wedding weekend and to do a practice round of styling my hair for the wedding. It was then I told her about my dilemma. It was then, I knew I was already speaking from my gut, but she just said, "Go." So I researched nonstop every night for almost a week, checked with my boss to be sure it was okay to take the time off and then bough the fucking tickets! I texted my family in Tennessee for hours prior and after buying the tickets. The great addition that makes this trip possible is that I have a ride when I arrive there, I have a place to stay for free, and I don't really have to worry about much else. This trip will be the middle of May and while I will miss some of work, but I have a ton of hours saved of paid time off to use from my main job.
Can you already tell my excitement from these clumped up sentences?!
Why is Tennessee so important to me, you might ask. Well....
While I may have no digital pictures to share here, I'm sure I have a stack of photos from my one and only visit to Tennessee 16 years ago. My uncle, my mother's brother, lived in New York for a very long time. I even visited him there at least once. I can never remember if I went there a second time because the memories are so vast. Anyways, luckily I might add, he moved to Tennessee some time before 9/11. I can't really say the reason he moved there, I really don't know, but it was a complete change. The friendliness in TN is incomparable to that of NY. It's a completely different lifestyle, setting, and scenery. He originally lived in the middle of a forest as I like to say. The neighbors lived at least a mile from one another. It was nothing but green gorgeous nature. His wife at the time was a city gal, and I'm not sure she ever really acclimated, for she still has the NY accent. While my uncle's 2 daughters, my cousins, eventually got a TN accent. I will never forget the story my uncle told us about when he moved to TN. As he and his family drove in to TN, at some point his vehicle got stuck in the mud or there was a failure, he was holding up traffic. A mass of people got out of their cars and came to help him. He always said, that if that happened in NY, everyone would honk and yell profanities at him. Once, I was there, this story has always stayed in my mind.
I was 12, my mom, aunt, brother, cousin, and my grandpa went to TN in 2000. We stayed for a week in July, a friend of my uncle let us stay in his cabin which was about 10 miles or so from my uncle's place. The cabin/house was amazing, will never forget it. Like I said, it was in the middle of the forest, don't remember what town exactly, but we were surrounded by endless trees and one dirt road. The living room consisted of an entire wall of windows that overlooked a patio that also overlooked a private pond filled with koi fish. I should say that my utmost fantasy house will have walls of only windows, it's definitely my favorite. We originally landed in a town too far from my uncle and had to drive through Knoxville [I believe] and some other major towns for the entire day before arriving to our destination. Everywhere we stopped, people were incredibly kind. There was one restaurant we stopped at and some other patrons overheard it was my grandpa's birthday and she sang, with her goddamn beautiful soulful voice, Happy Birthday. I fell in love right away. Fireworks were also legal everywhere.
We went to the famous waterfalls, lakes, and other pleasant places. I caught cute tiny toads and enjoyed my time in the middle of nature. The weather was amazing and it didn't matter how far we were from civilization. Although we did go to Walmart once, and it was pretty new at the time and I remember my brother, cousin, and I all bought Tennessee Titan sandals. I don't remember whatever happened to those, but I miss them. We had a ton of fun being teenagers and talking dirty things with every little road trip we endured. It was one of the top best vacations I have ever had. Ever since then I have always claimed that TN is one of my favorite states. The only place I would consider living in other than Arizona. Seriously, my heart was with Tennessee, utterly. If you have read this blog, you may have noted a few references to TN before. One particularly is that I wish to be donated to the body farm at the University of Tennessee. I wouldn't mind living there before I died at the least, just to make transporting my body there more cost effective or free. I have also highly considered going to the university, however I'm still very home bound, but it is nice to know there is family there.
Back to family. My uncle eventually divorced his wife several years after our visit, the mother of his daughters, and now is due to marry a new woman who I already like more than my so-called aunt. I'm very happy for him. But it also brings to point of his daughters. My cousins, are a bit younger than me and have always live in NY or TN, so my relationship with them is barely there. Today, they are 20 and 23. I've missed at least 10 years of their life, neither of us are able to truly determine just how long it has been since we've seen each other. But now, we are all in the same relative age frame [our 20's] and we are more likely to have things in common. Already from what I've heard and seen, I can see myself having chunks of things in common with each of them. They are very different from each other, much like my brother and I. I predict now, prior to my trip that I can relate the the nerdy, rational, older sister traits of D, and I can relate to the whimsy, free, open-minded, and creative aspects of B. My entire excitement of this trip is split directly down the middle. The first half is the excitement of seeing my family, I've kept in contact with my uncle sparsely over the years as he has visited a few times, but my cousins are so far out of touch. The second half is just to see TN again. I want to reconfirm, now as an adult, that I still love that place as much or more than I remember.
I can't fucking wait!!! But therein lies my strong anxiety. I have not been on a plane in 12 years. The last time I flew was way before 9/11 and it was just a short trip to California, less than a 2 hour flight. So much has changed in flying since then. I love flying itself, but airports wreck my nerves. Plus, I have a layover there and on the way back. I plan to discuss flying techniques and tips with friends that fly more regularly. I'm slowly planning everything. A few things completed so far is my flight and where my guinea pig will stay while I'm gone. My trip will span 6 days and I cannot wait to have a real vacation, only to come back to 3 days left of school and then summer! I am also really happy and proud to be the only family member in Arizona that can make it to the wedding. No one else is able to go, so I feel happy for my uncle that at least someone can make it. I asked him and his fiance separately what they want as a gift, and both responded that my presence is enough. I hope I have the time to at least make them something. Other pluses are that the weather will be incredible, their hot days are what we call perfect weather here in Arizona. I also can't wait to just hang out and drink with my family, either at home or at the local bars. The house that my uncle lives in is different than where I visited originally, and is a bit closer to civilization, but still gorgeous. Crossville, Tennessee, that's where I'm heading. I will be staying at my uncle's house, his fiance's family will also be staying there, but at least I get my own room and bed. I imagine I won't need much to pack which will help with flying, although I need to borrow luggage. I have a ton of more planning to do, but that will wait another day. For now, excitement reigns. Finally.
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