Macro & Micro

My world view was so broad. It was macro. I saw the beauty of everything as a whole and alone.

Now I feel I look at the world more specifically, and not necessarily in a good way. I get caught up in the shit, no longer seeing all the beauty I once did. To put it in simple terms. Beauty.

Anytime I tried to discuss my way of thinking, no one really understood me. Part due that it is not a traditional way of thinking, not many think that way. I looked at the world and everything in it so differently. The other part that prevented much understanding was that I can't fucking explain myself well enough. Not sure if I can still.

I feel this view is fleeting from me. I'm losing its grip. Part of it is what every person experiences as they get older. You stop smelling the roses, stop watching as many sunsets as you once did. This is relevant to most, but there is another aspect that I'm trying to grasp. Perhaps it was rather the way I looked and understood people as a whole. Being an adult changes that too but it was so abstract, so wide that I still cannot thoroughly explain it. I try to think to the pure depths of being, before unique personality sets in, before culture takes hold. And then look at the results of culture.

One example I can think of is actually a big regret I still carry with me. I was so put off by the experience that I had no chance to explain my thinking. My senior year of high school we had to do presentations in English class. I don't remember exactly the point of the project but I know that I discussed homosexuality and the right to love and specifically to marry. At the time I was still viewing homosexuality in a pure form, and admittedly a little different than I do now, but there was something I was getting at but never did I get to share that insight. Not sure what difference it would of made, particularly since I still cannot explain myself well.

After I finished my presentation my teacher asked me something. "Do people choose to be gay?" And I said, "Yes." However, before you get excited, I don't mean that they essentially choose to be gay or straight as a fucking being. I don't really think that is a choice, but there is a choice within the whole thing. The choice of the matter that I was referring to was choosing to come out. I felt at the time, given if someone knew they were gay, an individual still can choose to come out or live closeted. Granted, there are many repercussions to one self and the people around them if they stay in the closet and even if and when they do come out. However at the time, 9 years ago, culture was still hell bent on the norm that everyone is straight, and has all senses that work. I mention the latter because I am deaf, but people assume upon meeting me that I am the norm and that I should hear everything they say. Do I dare to ask them to repeat themselves? If I do, a little hell breaks out. It's unfortunate, but culture does put pressure and expectations on individuals that they fit into this little box. Some people try to stay in that box, even if biology does not place them there. Does this make any fucking sense? I think there is a choice for how you act on whatever it is that doesn't put you in that box. There's always a choice, even if you or I believe there shouldn't be. I feel choice is always there.

No, not a choice to be homosexual, but to reveal it. It takes courage to share your differences and to truly be ourselves. And I will say I am glad the world is changing, little by little. I am also proud to state all the differences that put me in my own little box, one that I do share with a small percentage of people. I'll end this particular note before I get on a million more tangents.

I hope that example shows a little insight into how I viewed the world and how in some ways I still do. I try to look at people outside of the box, literally. The box is gone, as I find out more about a person, they get placed somewhere deep inside my mind.  The world is slowly killing labels, but they still exist to comfort us. Sometimes I see how it is necessary, but overall, I'm happy for the world to break out of its own box slowly but surely.