1.23.2015

The Art of Wanting

A couple days before my 27th birthday, last November, I took a couple days off work to go to Arcosanti as I usually visit there at least once a year. I only stayed one night, but I'm always happy to be there.

I always blog about my experiences there, and this post will be another but very different. This was my fourth or fifth solo trip there and was pivotal in another big self realization. This post is incredibly personal but something I need to write and put out into the world so that I never forget it.

I broke up with my last serious boyfriend in June of 2012, and have been single since although I have lightly dated a couple people briefly in the last year. I also abstained from sex from that time until last summer. 2 years without sex really destroyed me, as did that last relationship on my sex drive. I honestly feared I have lost a big part of myself. Finally last year I started to become more and more my normal sexual self. However this trip made me realize how much I need that part of me.

It's weird to share so freely to strangers just how sexual I am, but I'm am extremely sexual and obsessive about it even. I get a lot of ideas and fantasies in my head constantly, which I've lost the drive in those 2 years.

While I was in Arcosanti, I met an older man, a complete stranger, but a kind man who was also staying in the small strips of hotels alone as I was. He approached me right away to ask about the grounds because he was helping an much older couple that was also staying there. I didn't talk to him very long at all but I ran into him many times during my short stay. I started to watch him, try to figure him out, and became incredibly curious about him and even attracted to him. His room was the only room occupied right next door to me. The whole evening I started to feel this growing need to just sit down and talk to him about life, a feeling based off of nearly nothing. I kept hoping he would find me in my solo walks and gazing spots. I started to create fantasies. Something I've done obsessively most of my life [even when I was really young]. After dinner, I sat outside my room as I traditionally do, drinking wine and looking up at the stars. I found myself thinking of him and hoping he would come back soon. He did and we shared maybe a couple words, then we both returned to our rooms. I spent the night on my bed, drawing and listening to music and just wondering what he was doing. After a little while I went back outside to look at the sky and drink some wine, secretly hoping he would come out. He did take a quick peak outside to see what I was doing but went back inside. I kept fighting this urge to just knock on his door and invite him to some wine and conversation, but I never did. I started to feel strange about this while I know it would of been sort of ordinary in a place like that, because everyone that stays there is very friendly. Disappointed, I went back into my room and continued what I was doing and my thoughts continued. The next day I didn't see him again.

With all these obsessive thoughts, I once knew, flooding my mind again I realized that having this kind of mental relationship and obsession with sex makes me content. I need this to be content, it completes my personality and makes me whole. Having sex is a plus but I can survive quite well without it so long as I still have a sex drive and the whole mentality about it. I have never realized this about myself until I had the absence of it. Those 2 plus years of just giving up on sex and not really having nor giving myself the mental space to think or expect it put a hole inside me. When it started to come back that's when I felt like myself again, felt happier and even more creative. Just knowing this made me happier. Granted, this man I met was not the sole reason for my sex drive coming back, there were other recent factors and this trip was the tipping point that put me over the edge of self discovery.

Ever since, my sexual mind has been very healthy and back in full force. It gave me back that aura that everyone around me becomes drawn into. Going out to bars and social outings with this renovated self put me in some naughty situations but ones I will not take back. I'm so happy to be back. It makes me normal. I am happier at work, happier with friends, and happy with myself.

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