The Giver

Every song I hear now, speaks for me.

Music is bringing out more emotions than I care to have right now.

Over the weekend I stopped seeing the guy I was dating. It was my choice and the utmost necessary choice, but doesn't mean I don't hurt.

I thought I was okay, but now I'm processing it more and more as the days go by. The first song that finally brought some tears to my eyes was U2's "With or Without You". In all honesty, it really has nothing to do with the song's overall meaning, but only four lines that are repeated throughout the song.

And you give yourself away 

And you give yourself away

And you give, and you give

And you give yourself away.

I don't think I could find a more perfect statement for the person that I am. Even more so after having a conversation with a friend today. She says that I'm self-sacrificing. It's completely true and I can't seem to help it. The 'giving away' of myself is so drastic yet so subtle that people almost never notice it, appreciate it, nor return it.

Yet again I find myself in the same damn position of giving myself to the wrong person. Find myself in that cycle of someone who just doesn't treat me the way I deserve. Find myself in that position with someone who doesn't know what they want. Find myself in that position with that person who can't open their hearts up. Again and again and again.

When does it stop...


Various other reasons aside, I ended it mostly because he was far too flaky. Couldn't commit to plans. Cancelled on me several times and usually on plans that I made that involved us going out or meeting my friends. I've never been cancelled on so much in such a short time span in my entire life. I've definitely had my share of flaky people but this was the worst. And I was sympathetic, and still am to some extent. But there's definitely a line where you have to stop putting up with it. I've put up with this far too much and I just simply don't have the time for it. Nor do I have to be treated in such a way. It's horrible to say that at several points I blatantly wanted to ask him "Do you even like me?!" Because this was just getting so irritating and frustrating. I've never felt that so much with someone I'd only started dating. There were a few times I wanted to walk out. And I really should have.

I've been insanely busy in my parts of my life, but I've always been able to make time for some one. There's simply no excuse for it.
It's selfish.

Another sacrifice lies in the fact that he was planning on moving across the country soon. I decided to take the risk to date him anyways. I wanted to experience something than to have never experience it at all. And I thought I would at least get a good friendship out of it. That opportunity is way out the window now.'

Another sacrifice on my part was getting involved with a Gemini...

I also told him I didn't want to see him through text. All the while I have complained about these girls breaking up with my brother through text. However, both my friend and I agreed that he didn't deserve any more than that. Despite that we were dating for only a couple months, I am proud of myself that I ended it pretty fast due to my hatred of break ups. I'm usually the one who ends a relationship, but it's one of the hardest things I ever have to do and usually gets delayed. I didn't delay this at all, I did it exactly the day after I made my decision, in less than 24 hours in fact. The truth reveals to me that I should of done it even sooner, and deep inside, I really wanted to.

Candlebox's "You" stands for my feelings throughout my entire life. If there is ever a band that I relate to most, it's Candlebox. All you lonely people....just don't take it out on me.

Matchbox Twenty's "Push" amongst the many other songs...

I had incredibly high expectations of this person due to association. Making this all entirely a disappointment, and not only for me but for our mutual friends. He's not the person he once was...

How far can we shelter ourselves from hurt? How far do we go? How will good ever come?
In all of my experiences, those that have been hurt before have always ended up hurting me in their attempt to protect themselves. Always. Now is no different.

I don't know how many times I've said I just want to love. I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

Why do those that care always get stumbled on?

Where did your morals go?

Melissa Etheridge tells it how it is in "I'm the Only One".



Alanis Morissette's "Wake Up" speaks to me on so many levels.

What goes around never comes around to you.

I just need to purge. Purge this all away. I'm not really sure what to do otherwise.


It opened my eyes when I had a dream of you, a most unflattering dream. I had forgotten about it until I talked to my mother on the phone later that afternoon. I remembered the dream just as I spoke to her about you, particularly my irritations with you. I told her about your deformed and completely unattractive appearance in my dream. She simply said "That says a lot!" Your inward ugliness overtook your outward beauty.

That was the day I realized. The day I made my decision.



But it all still hurts.