And All That Could Of Been

I just watched Beautiful Boy in the theatre. I never even heard of this movie until over an hour before I saw it.

I realized I hadn't seen a movie in a little while, let alone watched many [as I'd like] lately. Which provides a lot of inspiration and deep thinking that I crave. I definitely got what I asked for from Beautiful Boy.

I woke up well rested from an interesting, good, and even slightly disturbing dream. Popped out of bed faster than usual, and decided to look up movie showtimes. Camelview is one of the few independent film theatres around here and they generally always have great films, many which I feel are underrated and under-appreciated. I always walk out of there with more enlightenment than I had walked in with.

The Tree of Life is a film I've been wanting to see there, and will try my best to before it leaves the big screen. But the title "Beautiful Boy" caught my eyes. I let my cursor rest over it, the cover was intriguing and the description definitely grabbed my attention [please click on link and read]. All of which was further enforced by my interests and great appreciation of Michael Sheen.

I decided, on a whim, to see that film rather than Tree of Life. The decision was also pushed by the fact that I wouldn't have to wait til a later showtime to see Tree of Life.

There were also a couple intriguing films I saw previews for. The Future which stars one of the actors from a funny television show, New Adventures of Old Christine. And the preview of Another Earth alone nearly brought me to tears.

Despite the utter dark mood of this film and the effect it has on me, I'm glad I saw it. It was intense during the entire film, my eyes boiled up with tears every now and then. It was especially hard towards the beginning because I put myself in place of these events as if my brother were the boy. What would of happened if my brother had shot numerous people and himself. What would of happened if my brother killed someone and himself in his drug induced ravings on the streets. What would my dad do. What would I do. How would everyone else look at him. How would everyone else look at us. Are we to blame. Is he only to blame. Is he completely mad or is he a "good person who made a mistake".

I find this all especially relevant with the aftermath of the Tucson shooting. This was a very significant and different perspective. All the thoughts, the emotions, the criticism, the accusations, the attitude, the behavior of the public and those involved was dramatically and wholly realistically portrayed. It even made me feel guilty. I know nothing about the parents or the family of the Jared Lee Loughner. And I just may have no right to make judgements of people I know nothing about, as would anyone else.

Moreover, what a family, especially parents, have to go through in such events. Death of a child. Not only a death, but a suicide. The events of murder caused by their child. Not only murder, but murder of innocents. All of that is insanely and devastatingly hard enough to deal with, if at all. To be further emphasized by media attention, the criticisms of the rest of the world, and most importantly, blame. Parents, if they truly are good, are the ultimate soldiers of war. If they survive such cases as these.

Death of a child is considered the worst type of death in the science and sociology of death and dying, which I briefly discuss in my future post of Epic Film Reviews. Love will tear you apart.

The list isn't over. What accompanies every death is self blame. Parents then have that, branching out to blaming their spouse as well. It is amazing if they ever make it out alive.

Another facet to all this is extremely relevant to me, and every single one of you. Cause and effect. Life experiences, dramatic and tragedious life experiences that shape your life, your mind. To narrow this down, here's an example. My relationship, the building, destruction, absence, and haunting residue and slight building with my mother shapes me. Shapes how I interact. Shapes how I trust. Shapes how I avoid. Shapes how I hurt. Everyone has something, multiple things. It's easy to talk of others you know and don't know and how their past is the reason for their present. But going through it and seeing it, witnessing the effects of your past on yourself is...

My mother isn't the only one who has shaped me in this way, of course. My brother was very much on my mind during this entire film. It's been exactly six months on this date that my brother had overdosed and nearly died in the room just next to mine. Six months since that horrifying night, horrifying image burned in my brain and on my heart. Just a few days ago I had a brief but heartfelt talk with my brother about these very things. Cause and effect. I told him I hope that his future will be a good one, that I worry about him. I simply don't want him to be messed up. I want him to be ok. I want him to treat those around him with the respect he never gave them in the past ten years. I don't want him to ruin others anymore. I don't want him to ruin himself. I don't want him to be one of those people I'll see on the news in the future and think "Oh, what a maniac." He is like my child, one that I have more of an independence from. I love him. And I'm grateful he's still here and not buried in the ground for the past six months.

I still cry.


We're all survivors.


I was already planning to cry my eyes out when I got into my car after the film. As I turned the key the radio was playing Third Eye Blind's "Jumper". A band deep rooted in my life. And a song quite relevant to the topic of the day. Once my favorite part comes on, the guitar solo, the tears poured out.

Oddly, the book of the same name, Beautiful Boy by David Sheff is about his son's meth addiction. This is completely unrelated to the film. My brother was addicted to meth for a long time. From the little I read about the book, it really hits home. The worst part about this is how many other fucking people have had to go through this. It's so horrible. So many broken hearts. Broken promises. Broken homes. Broken lives.

I would post a photo of my brother and I for extra effect, but I only now realized I have no photos of us when he is sober. Only those of when we're younger.

Amongst the many strong points and effects of this film, there's another I want to discuss. This still ties in with effects...but what doesn't. People should realize that. Treating others. Raising children. Creating relationships. Maintaining relationships. I may be no expert, but I sure as hell know that it all matters. The film emphasizes what you build with others, whether it's your spouse or your child, etc. There is a cause and effect, a snowball effect, a feedback mechanism for everything. Everything is connected. Our relationships are precious. Because they create the future, our future.

This is all extremely emotional for me. I think I've managed to pull out the words I have while what's left of me is just raw feelings and tears.

Let's just connect.