The Fighter

Decided to go see The Fighter tonight at the 3 dollar theater. Which is funny because afterwards I went a convenience store to get Doritos where I saw the Redbox machine carrying the said film. I don't mind, the theater experience is far better, and I'm glad I did go see it. I really ought to carry a journal in my car to write about movies after I see them because the impact they have on me are amazing and I wish I could share them. My thought process is so profound and poetic and all something I wish I could always capture and relive. Here's a start.

First of all, they did a great job making Christian Bale unattractive. Yeahhh, I mean, The Machinist was pretty bad, but this seemed so much worse. Well, regardless I do need to watch The Machinist again. But the added fact that his character is a drug addict added exponentially more to the unattractiveness. I will say this film would of definitely had a larger impact on me if my brother were still drinking and using drugs. A film in which a brother is a drug addict hits home for me. Oddly, I didn't cry until the end and a little bit on my way home. In the end, he stays clean. I read his lips on his brother's winning match as he said "I love you." That's where the tears started to surface...and are now. Saying I love you is a big deal to me, as I've stated previously. However, currently saying that to my brother makes me want to cry every single time. Literally every time. This is the only case where my reaction is so strong every time.
He usually is walking away after, and as I watch him, my eyes fill up. Just thinking about it all makes me want to cry.
Needless to say, that's a lot of what I focused on while watching this film. The relationships within the family, the drug addiction, brother love. On top of that, Christian Bale did a good job playing an eccentric addict...I've seen that far too much in my life that he really captured it enough to disturb me. I have to say, I still hate drugs. There's not a single day where I feel like trying it, my hatred has only grown more and stronger. And frankly, I'm proud of myself.

The question is, how am I doing? And how is he doing?

I'll start with him. He's still sober. He has over 2 months of sobriety. Sobriety of alcohol, meth, heroin, adderol, pot, and whatever else he's tried and done that I don't feel like listing. Thus far no relapse. I'm so insanely proud of him. He goes to 2-3 sometimes even 4 AA meetings a night. He has sober friends, and a lot of them. He says he's the happiest he's ever been, although he does feel lonely. He's been chasing girls left and right, so there's a new thing I have to worry about with him. Oh well, that's another story.

Me, I'm fine. I'm a hell of a lot better. So long as he is sober, I'm happy. However, as already illustrated, there are things that particularly sting. Films, stories, thoughts, and the likes. Inevitably, it is a sensitive subject for me. Not sensitive in the sense that I refuse or shy away from talking about it. I'm not quite like that, I can talk about just anything. It's sensitive in the sense that I'm highly reactive to it, in most cases with tears. Some things strike with profound force and I can't help it. All in all, I'm grateful to have a brother that is still alive.
After writing that last sentence, it gave me a flashback. Keep in mind, my eyes keep getting teary on and off while drafting this [the song that I'm listening doesn't help either]. The flashback of the day it happened...it made me realize that I haven't actually thought about the actual day. I haven't visualized all those disturbing images that put me in a hole this winter. That, to whatever extent, is quite possibly why I'm alright now. Because those images were what made it so hard. Being there....  Obviously if I wasn't, he wouldn't be here now.

Since playlist.com doesn't have any availability for the song, I'll share the video. I want you take a moment, take in what I have written, and listen to this song. It may not have the effect on you as it does to me, or you might not like it at all. But I heard this song on the way home from the theater and now I've been listening to it on repeat since I've been blogging. Given the relationship between the brothers in The Fighter, this song seems somewhat appropriate, and perhaps for me also. Here is LeAnn Rimes' "I Need You".

There's a funny thing about my brother and I. We are complete opposites in a lot of ways, especially our experiences in life, but there's a strong trait or two that we have in common. Granted, just about all the people in my family have addictive personalities. I've expressed mine as addictions to people rather than substances. But Bryce and I are both very passionate, obsessive, determined, addictive people. Shortly after his overdose and into several AA meetings he was addicted to telling his story. His story of surviving and becoming sober...and me saving his life.
He also seems addicted to women too, heh. We had a lot of discussions about his life with drugs after the...I wish I could find another appropriate word that isn't 'overdose'...yet I hate euphemisms...he talked of how he would find any and every way to get drunk and high. Whatever it took. And since he's been sober in which appears without much effort, I've pointed out to him that he is a very determined person. He can do whatever he sets his mind to, whatever he wants enough. Whatever he wanted to do, he accomplished it without question. Quite an Aries, anyways. Before I get distracted with astrology, I want to say that him and I have strong personalities in the sense of getting what we want. Despite our differences in the way we acquire whatever it is we want, we usually always get it. One of the major explanations I can think of for this is our mom. I think she has a lot to do with it, I think we get that trait from her. Anyways, it's all very interesting.