4.26.2011

Tainted

I want to write this down before I ever forget. Tonight [now, last night] I had a good "girls' night" with a good friend of mine. Her and I are very different people but have a major and several minor things in common. She gave me a compliment, that, coming from her really confirmed a lot of things for me. She said I have a big presence. She worded that with great emphasis. She added that I am nothing like anyone else anyone could know. I don't remind anyone of anyone else. I'm not someone's sister, someone's cousin. I'm me. Solely. And everything about my physicality and fashion is a conversation piece.

The 'big presence' is something that has been coming up in my life lately. Really, I think it has always been there, but I'm so oblivious, any even now still. But it has been pointed out to me in this point of my life more than ever.

Being that I am my own person was a wonderful comment. The first I ever heard such a sort. If anything I have been told that I remind people of an earlier version of themselves. That "youthful" outlook or aura. Youthful is the best way I can put it, it incorporates my optimism, my personality, my love, my passion, my care for the world around me. I have come across this a few times in my life.

I have a conflicting inner reaction to when people say that I remind them of what they once were like. There's the stubborn and just intensely increasingly passionate/strong person that I continue to become that I feel like it is a trait or several that will not go away. I feel that it is my being, and not just a phase. I really dislike the thought of such. I feel like it is something so ingrained in me. It may be altered as life and experiences will come about, but I don't think I will ever lose it. I sure as hell won't allow that to happen.
The other feeling I get is the utter distress that people do lose this. That people have had experiences upon experiences that changes them. That goes beyond purity. Pure joy, pure feeling, pure reaction, pure love. It is evidence of what happens to people just as much as it is a warning.
I want to reach out and cradle people. I consistently fight this urge. With more people than others. At some times more than others. I really do just want everyone to be happy...

But even more so, I enjoy that they can tell me these things. Always, I wish I can help. And I try. I may make that impact on some fraction of their life but will it really make a difference? Will I really help?

I'm completely going off topic of what I really intended to talk about, but yet combining things I wanted to write about anyways. I like to call this a result of wine, 'the intellectual drunk'. I think about this deep sort of stuff fairly often, however when I drink wine, it brings out just a bit more, or sounds more poetic perhaps. [Not to mention that seeing Water For Elephants today has brought up some thoughts.]

All these stories we tell, of our daily lives, the highlights, of the week, of the month, of the year. Talking about them to our friends gets us through it at the time. It is significant, yes. But in the end, after all the years of our lives, they become a blur. A minor story to one great story. We can never recall them later, not nearly at any great detail, because they don't matter in the same sense. Other stories stand out. However, these daily, weekly, monthly experiences produce us. Create, mend, form, manipulate us, our personality, our feelings, our opinions, our coping abilities, everything. Every goddamn thing. But later they become a pixel in the whole image. A letter in the whole novel. It's incredible.

Just imagine being the wise old elder...what story are you going to tell? Probably only a small fraction of the stories you've told so far. To me, it's all a waste just as much as it is insanely important. I won't stop. Although I realize I waste my time on numerous things, but they affect and shape my life just the same.

Life is a crazy thing.




Sooner or later it's over...I just don't want to miss you tonight.

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