Recoil

I officially disabled my account on the dating site. I didn't know what to expect. I thought it would be fun to see how it all worked. It worked nicely in fact, it was an immense distraction from the harsh reality of my brother's overdose. I spent most of my time answering questions and filing out my profile just because of that. I hardly spoke to anyone and I hardly cared anyways. It was something new that I didn't know much about. I really didn't think I would meet anyone. And a friend mentioned that that was a stupid thought to have since it is a dating site, but that made me realize that maybe deep down I just didn't want to meet anyone. Not now at least. I wasn't ready and still am not ready. Prior to my last ex I was single for a year and a half by choice and I enjoyed the hell of it. Then I met him and those sparks were flying and made me decide to get into a relationship. It felt worth it, and it was. I know that feeling. And I've gone to meet two people on this site in person. One was a shady experience and I'm glad I haven't spoken another word to him. The other was wonderful and the more I thought about it the more it scared me. It was with a woman, thrilling and new. But I noticed that I still wanted to be single. I finally realized that I didn't feel those sparks. A connection, yes. Sparks, no. I can't really say why, I leave that to the science of chemistry. I wish I knew. But I do know that I'm not going to jump into something with someone because everything else seems great and compatible and I want the experience but not feel right about it. That's not fair to me and horribly unfair for the other person. I didn't want to make this an experiment but I felt that if I continued on, it may have turned out that way. I'm not that type of person, I'm not going to use you.

Prior to my date, one of my best friends gave me a really profound piece of advice. Coming from her, I should take these things very seriously since she knows me so well. She told me something along the lines of not going through with this because I feel like I have to. Have to as in because I want this experience with a woman so bad. But if everything felt just right then to jump into it all the way. So I kept that in my mind and have been trying to analyze my feelings since. It's been blurry since it always takes me awhile to figure out how I'm feeling until someone realizes something is up and tries to pry it out of me. But it brought me back to my feelings, something felt off. I didn't feel like I was in this as much as she was and that alone bothered me. Bothered me because I felt bad, and because I didn't know why. Either way, I thought maybe it would change in the future.

I will say that I had no intentions of breaking anyone's heart. But it pains me to have done so and makes me want to recoil.