The Very Things That Make You Live are Killing You

My good friend told me to listen to some music by Ray LaMontagne, specifically "Shelter" and "Be Here Now." The lyrics from "Shelter" are particularly touching...where the title of this post comes from. I suggest you read them, and then maybe that line will affect you more. That is really all that needs to be said.



I need to release some inner mind ramblings before I get into my writing mode for third paper I have to start and turn in next week. Soon enough I will post them. One paper is the one about deafness and CSI, which I'm nearly done with. Next, is a paper on infidelity/fidelity [or specifically cheating] for Courtship & Marriage in which I have to describe the topic in and out as much as I can. Then I must choose 2 films in which one depicts the building of a relationship, the other is the breaking down of a relationship and then give examples of my topic [infidelity/fidelity] from each film. I have gotten a good chunk of that paper done but have not started on the film portion. As of right now I have chosen the films High Fidelity and Burn After Reading. High Fidelity is the building of a relationship in which features the main character's [John Cusack] difficulty with fidelity/commitment but eventually makes a commitment. Burn After Reading depicts several instances of cheating and breaking down of relationships. Originally I was going to use He's Just Not That Into You but learned that Redbox no longer provides that film and that same day my coworker gave me back Burn After Reading after I had lent it to her and the idea popped into my head! I hope my teacher has fun reading that one. As for the paper that I shall start today, it is for my Witchcraft & Heresy class. I have posted the first paper I did for that class here, so this paper will be the same but over the last half of the semester.

I hate armpits. Absolutely hate them. I have never liked mine and even more so in the past 4 or so years. For awhile there I was having some sort of reaction to the combination of the deodorant I was using and the heat that caused my armpits to break out and it was actually painful. So while trying to hide that on top of the fact that I can sweat quite a bit. I have recently come to the conclusion, with my brother too, that him and I have enlarged pores or something [I completely forgot the term we originally used] but it causes us to sweat a bit more than the average person and in specific areas on our body. My brother tends to sweat a lot on his face/head while I get the armpit area. And for some reason I can never get a close enough shave in that area so the little dots of hair there annoy the fucking shit out of me. I envy women that very close shaved armpits. And the word armpit there's absolutely nothing nice about it, I actually nearly loathe saying the word let alone the area itself. This is going to be an interesting writing in my Love My Tree journal whenever I get there.
I love the glow of metal. In natural and artificial lighting. I love staring at my reflection on any surface and seeing the glow of the metal rings in my nose and even the metal that occupies my earlobes. I think it adds more to my face in a beautiful way. I am really unsure if anyone else notices this, but I pay attention to it all the time. There are quite some aesthetically pleasing things about metal to me...more than I have initially realized there was to be.

Mmm metalface.

It is amazing how long you can watch water for. It seems like forever. People travel miles upon miles to see water. Water is everywhere, but can be experienced in a multitude of ways depending on its context. Really, think about how significant water is to our lives. We drink water. We bathe in water. We nurture life with water. We listen to water. We enjoy recreational activities in water. We watch the water fall from the sky. We watch the water run in our streets, our yards, our drains, our pools. We watch the water in the streams, the rivers, the lakes, the oceans. It is the most natural and most simple aspect of our lives and we watch it. Always. It is amazing. Amazing how it interacts with everything in this world. Wind, oil, earth, structures, life, fire,
skin...water, like light can penetrate every crack and opening of the world. You can contain it, yet you can not. I feel this overwhelming desire to show water just how much I appreciate it...but there is no other way than to just simply experience it.


I am most definitely a fan of the music of Matchbox Twenty and Rob Thomas. There is some quality to his music that never fails to create imagery in my mind every time I listen to it. I always imagine myself elsewhere, somewhere peaceful, somewhere I have actually been to before but cannot really place my finger on the map of where that specifically was. It is generally places I have experienced on road trips, hence the song "Rest Stop" further enhances this vision. And it is always a nighttime vision as well, so stars and peaceful quietness. I enjoy this experience very much so. But I want to focus on the song "Hang" in which the actual lyrics embody a very similar feeling I have myself.
she grabs her magazines
she packs her things and she goes
she leaves the pictures hanging on the wall
she burns all her notes and she knows
she's been here too few years
to feel this old

he smokes his cigarette
he stays outside 'til it's gone
if anybody ever had a heart,
he wouldn't be alone, he knows
she's been here too few years to be gone

and we always say
it would be good to go away, someday
but if there's nothing there to make things change
if it's the same for you I'll just hang

the trouble understand
is she got reasons he don't
funny how he couldn't see at all
'til she grabbed up her coat, and she goes
she's been here too few years
to take it all in stride
But still it's much too long
to let hurt go (you let her go)

and we always say
it would be good to go away, someday
but if there's nothing there to make things change
if it's the same for you I'll just hang
the same for you I'll always hang
well I always say
it would be good to go away
but if things don't work out like we think
and there's nothing there to ease this ache
but if there's nothing there to make things change
if it's the same for you I'll just hang

I have a tendency to disagree, often silently, with the intentions of many when it comes to moving out of state. I'm not going to go in complete depth with this, but merely want to point out the poetic agreement and connection I have with this song. Most people, that I've experienced, leave because they are unhappy with their situation. So they leave in hopes of their problems staying at home where the left them. To be completely blunt, that is a complete bullshit reason to leave. It frustrates me a great deal. People have this idealistic view that something or everything will be better in a different place. The truth is, people are shitty everywhere as people are good everywhere. The same problems will reside anywhere you go. Your life is what YOU make it to be. I hate when people complain about the people in Arizona and that people are better somewhere else. The people are the same! People are people. Stop blaming everyone else....
I'll just hang here.

I have always had this strong desire to connect with a blind person. I often used to jokingly but seriously say that I'd like to be in a relationship with a blind person and how we would totally balance each other out. At the least I would love to be friends with such an individual. I believe I have mentioned this before. But yesterday I had an emotional moment to myself while standing at the front of my store daydreaming as I looked out our large windows. I saw a mother crossing a parking lot with her young son who was about 8-10 years old. I could not tell if he was blind or mentally challenged from the distance I was standing but I could see that he needed his mother to aid him to walk. His mannerisms resembled much of those of blind individuals, but I couldn't be sure. And for the first time, mid-tears, a forgotten desire resurfaced. The desire to have a blind child...or even a deaf child. Any that people would consider "disabled" Yeah...I know, I don't actually want kids. But my heart goes to these children more than it does to almost anything else...wow......a new realization.
I just remembered that one of my sign language teachers, a deaf woman, had a biological daughter who was hearing and adopted a young deaf girl from China. I have seen videos and pictures of them and met the older hearing daughter...they are absolutely adorable.
If I were to adopt [which I do definitely consider an option] I desire to adopt a blind child or any of the likes. These are the children that many don't actually want. If people find out soon enough that their fetus is deformed in some way, they will abort it solely for that reason.... As the same for putting those children up for adoption. In one of my papers on deafness a couple years back, I discussed the future of technology and the development of gene therapy. This is where, in the possible future, you could possibly just design your child. Rid it all of the deformities and "disabilities"....I'm trying not to cry...this sickens me. So, possibly, this will rid humanity of flaws [the very thing that makes us human] and, specifically as I focused my paper on, exterminate the Deaf community. The Deaf community is a wonderful vibrant community of people with all levels of hearing and various forms of communication that embrace all that they are and do not want to be "fixed," "cured," and definitely not erased.... No fucking thanks.

Although I have my own communication issues to work on, like anyone else, I realized that I am better off than most I have had experiences with, particularly the men. And on top of that, most people I interact with are older than me...I understand that I shouldn't judge a person based on their age, but the fact of the matter is most of these people have had more time on this earth and therefore have more experiences than I. Not always, I understand that. But it is true that some people just don't fucking grow up as I have discussed many facets of that here. It truly annoys me...people that don't grow. People like that constantly disappoint me and kill my hope and likeness for adults and the future. Ugh, don't want to talk about it anymore.

In random funniness, I accidentally made up a new word while at work last night: slore. I couldn't decide between calling an old friend a slut or a [man] whore, so slore was born. Now, it's definitely not new for me to make up words and do this, but this was particularly funny to me.

I really need to get myself some Whose Line Is It Anyway? boxsets, because I freaking love that show. It puts a huge smile on my face and puts me in such a great mood!

I am in an incredible movie frenzy at the moment. I am eagerly awaiting summer. I generally have my typical reasons for excitement for summer being more free time, painting, sleeping, time to read, hanging out with friends, no homework, all that. But right now I want to watch movies so bad! And a great deal of them! I haven't been to the theaters all that often at all lately. Once my time and money start racking up I will be going to the 3 dollar theater often to catch up on all the films I have missed. I will watch pretty much all the dvds I own [which aren't that much, unfortunately.] And I want to acquire more dvds, making more visits to Bookmans and such. Ugh, so excited!!

I love how seemingly appropriate this title was, even though I wrote it before getting into any of the writing of this post. Ah...the wonders of self-expression.