Chuck Norris Does Not Wear a Condom. Because There is no Such Thing as Protection from Chuck Norris.

Today is the 70th birthday of Chuck Norris. Who, in fact, was born Carlos Ray Norris. Named after his father's minister, Carlos Berry.
You can only guess what I will do on this lovely day.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat he doesn't get wet the water gets Chuck Norrised.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
There is no such thing as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris was originally considered for the part of Jesus in the Passion of the Christ. However, the director realized that Chuck Norris cannot show the emotion of pain. He can only inflict it.
When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, it breaks because it is smart enough to know not to get in the middle of Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Darth Vader dresses up as Chuck Norris for Halloween.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more than you.
When girls have sex with god, they scream CHUCK NORRIS!!
Some kids piss their names in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name in concrete.
A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
The original name of the movie was Alien vs Predator vs Chuck Norris, but the producers realized that nobody would ever watch a movie that only lasted fourteen seconds.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
There is no 'Ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division.”
The titanic didn't sink because of an iceberg, Chuck Norris was just out for a swim.
God's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he understands is the element of surprise.
When people die, they go to hell. When hell dies, it goes to Chuck Norris.
Mr. T, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Chuck Norris are standing in front of God. God says to them,"I have called you three here because you are the greatest fighters in the world and I have a place for one of you at my right hand. You must prove to me whom of you it shall be." Mr. T steps and says "I pity the fool who doesn't let me sit at His right hand." God tells him that he was not good enough and sends Mr. T to hell. Arnold steps up and says "I was in predator, commando, the terminator. You must choose the Governor." God tells him not good enough and sends Arnold to hell. God turns to Chuck Norris and say "Why should you sit beside me?" Chuck quickly proceeds to roundhouse kick God in the face and say "Bitch, you're in my seat."