Fortunately

For you, the fun does not stop.
Excerpts from texts from last night. Yeah...I'm distracting myself from homework.

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.