I wrote this is my phone months ago, maybe I'll reiterate at a later time, maybe not. I don't feel like getting into it, hence why I've delayed posting it in the first place. "I'm distancing myself more and more. Being single may not be helping other than my realizing, acknowledging, and admitting some of my so called issues." I guess this is pretty vague and maybe I will shed a bit more light. I believe that my keeping my distance isn't making me learn as a person. Although I cannot necessarily say that I've been keeping any distance lately. Around the time that I had drafted that, I was avoiding relationships. It's not that I'm not necessarily not avoiding them now. I'm in a place where I just let things fall, let it flow, let things happen. Generally I'm good at doing that for a short span of time before my head and heart gets too wrapped up in it. It's my nature, I'm not meant for shallow things of any sort. And I already knew this, but I continue to try. Still a learning process.
I've been sitting here at the library for a couple hours now with my laptop. I intended to come here to finally catch up on some posting and to do some school work. Now that I've began posting, I realize how much more I have to write and I don't feel like it anymore. It's a constant cycle now...I should of never stopped. Heh. It's a snowball effect considering all the thoughts in my head. All the chemicals and reactions that need to spill out and touch others. The Alchemy of My Mind.
Now that I said that, bear with the complete disorderly post that this will be. I feel rather like not being chronologically correct at the moment.
My feet hurt, from walking on campus for my first day yesterday. It's been awhile since my feet had this much activity. I gotta say, I was walking retardedly yesterday, I just couldn't lift my feet up high enough, so I just about stumbled a few times throughout the day. Way to go me.
Since I hardly have slept in my bed lately and when I do, I don't need to wake up early enough for the need of an alarm clock. For school, I need my alarm set and so being the first time I've felt my sonic boom vibrating alarm clock in quite some time, I nearly jumped out of bed. I was dreaming when this happened and my alarm caused me to flinch in my dream and to flinch in real life as I awoke. It was kind of amusing. It doesn't help that since I have been back to sleeping in my own bed I hardly get any sleep at all. I specifically have the hardest time falling asleep. This is always been the case for me with the exception of temporary phases of my falling asleep much faster. I guess I'm not used to it and will have to adjust again. My dreams haven't helped either, all of them are intense enough that they wake me up every time during the climax. What a dirty word. I got shot in one of my recent dreams. Obviously not the first time that's happened, it's been happening more and more that I'm forgetting the count. I think this is the fourth or fifth. I got shot in the front possibly in my abdomen and then as I turned and hit the ground I got shot twice in the back, by a machine gun. Now, I never feel pain in my dreams and I do vividly remember the other shooting dreams, but this one was very different. Pain, no. Paralysis, yes. When the bullets hit my back, I flinched and felt this paralyzing numb feeling. I flinched so much that I actually did flinch in reality causing me to wake up abruptly. Usually if my dreams are bad enough, I'll find a way to end them. I'm pretty sure I've looked up shooting in dreams before but this description is new to me: "To dream that you are shot, represents a form of self-punishment that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of." There is also this "To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may feel victimized in some situation." It was only somewhat funny because the man who shot me was a bartender I know, but he had this bad-guy scar on his face and looked pretty sinister. I cannot begin to explain my dreams lately, so I'll do it with posting various dream interpretation excerpts that pertain to them.
To dream that you are being accused of something, indicates that you are feeling guilty. It may also mean that you are having some doubts about yourself and the choices you are making. To see an alley in your dream, suggests that you have limited options. Alternatively, it indicates that you may be sidetracked due to domestic duties and find yourself in a dilemma. To dream that you are walking through an alley, represents that you may be walking into a dead-end or that you have taken a short cut in life. It also may denote that your reputation is in jeopardy. To dream that you are attacked from ambush, forewarns of a danger lurking near you. Your situation has taken an unanticipated turn for the worse or that you have been prevented or blocked in reaching your goals or destination. To dream that you are being attacked by someone, signifies questions to your character and the need to defend yourself. You are feeling stressed, vulnerable and helpless. You may also be faced with difficult changes in your waking life. Dreaming of an attack provides a way for you to confront these situations that you may be avoiding in real life. To see your bed in your dream, represents your intimate self and discovery of your sexuality. If you are sleeping in your own bed, then it denotes security and restoration of your mind. You may be looking for domestic bliss, for peace or for some form of escape. If you are waking up in a different and/or unknown bed, then it represents the consequences of the decisions you have made. The dream may also be a pun on the completion of a project and putting it to bed. Consider the condition of the bed. If the bed is made, then it symbolizes security. If the bed is unmade, then it indicates that certain secrets will soon be exposed or revealed. To dream that you are in the bedroom, signifies aspects of your self that you keep private. It is also indicative of your sexual nature and intimate relations. To dream that you are being blamed for something, suggests that you are feeling powerless and helpless in some waking situation. To see your brother in your dream, may symbolize some aspect of your relationship with him. It can also serve to remind you that someone in your waking life has certain characteristics/behavior similar to your brother's. To dream of being hit by a bullet, suggests that you need to persevere and endure the difficult times. To dream that you are putting a wild animal into a cage, signifies that you will succeed in overcoming your rivals and fears. It is also symbolic of your ability to control you animalistic rages and anger. To dream that you are being chased, signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is often a metaphor for some form of insecurity. In particular, to dream that you are chased by an animal, represents your own unexpressed and unacknowledged anger which is being projected onto that animal. Alternatively, you may be running away from a primal urge or fear. To dream that you are in a classroom, indicates that you may be learning an important life lesson. Alternatively, it symbolizes personal growth. You are learning something about yourself. To dream about the weather, signifies your emotional state of mind. Stormy or windy weather implies conflict and aggression. Rain and hail represents depression and sadness. And rainbows and sunshine signifies hope and happiness. Alternatively, weather may be a pun on "whether" and whether you should do this or that. Colors in dreams represent energy, emotions, and vibes. First consider what that single color in your dream means to you and your own personal associations and relationship with that color. To dream in color and then dream in black and white, suggests that you are starting to look at a situation from a more objective perspective instead of from an emotional standpoint. You are subconsciously reacting to events in the dream. To dream that a building is under construction, suggests that you need to work on some aspect of yourself and better your mind or body. To dream that you are in danger and are wounded or killed, signifies substantial losses in business and discouraging prospects in love. You need to be more cautious in some aspect of your life. To dream that you cannot find someone in the darkness, signifies that you need to keep your temper in check. You have the tendency to let your emotions get out of control and lose your temper. To dream that you or something is dirty, represents your anxieties and feelings toward sex. The dream stems from low self-esteem and feelings of being unworthy. You need to purify your mind, heart and body. To dream that you are dreaming, signifies your emotional state. You are excessively worried and fearful about a situation or circumstance that you are going through.
Alright, shit. I'm done posting these. I'll have to go through the rest of the alphabet another time.
In my second class yesterday [Women and Social Change] a girl sat in front of me. On her backpack she has her key chains attached and I noticed a bright green card that I'm practically paid to recognize. A Sally Beauty Card. So naturally, I laughed to myself and wondered if she has come into my store before. And then she pulls out a book to read during the wait, it's The Lovely Bones. Now I feel to urge to ask her questions, but I controlled myself. Regardless it kind of made my day.
Today at work, a very old couple came in to buy a couple things. The woman had a coin purse in the shape of Hello Kitty's head. She had to make a comment about it and then about how she owns these various Hello Kitty items. I said something and then the husband says, "Now, you know why Hello Kitty doesn't have a mouth?" For some awful reason, the glitch in my brain, I think of a million dirty responses I could come up with in 1.8 seconds. The wife answers, "Because she speaks from the heart." I'm laughing to myself now, but I'm glad she said something faster than I could mutter anything.
This site cracks me up, friendsofirony.com.
So, at work, I get a lot of "old jokes" so I call them, due to my new found interests in "older men." I heard a phrase I wasn't entirely sure the meaning of it was so I asked my coworker if she knew. She didn't and I joked that I needed to look it up online, she said, "Yeah, but not on urbandictionary.com, ya know." I agreed and said, "Yeah, renaissance dictionary!" We can be a bit retarded, but whatever works and makes us laugh for ten minutes straight.
I don't watch television much these days but whenever I do, unfortunately I am faced with this commercial that makes me cringe in complete embarrassment. It's that Wendy's commerical for their spicy chicken nuggets for 99 cents and the guys are breathing heavily. I tried hard to find a video but all I could find was countless forums and articles about how people hate the advertisement. When I see this, all I can think of is "Jizz In My Pants." I actually feel uncomfortable especially when the second guy joins in and looks totally, to me, like he just jizzed his pants! Jizzus!
I find it interesting that when people name their company after themselves. You finally have the chance to name something epic and it's just your name. How boring. I guess I'm just really into naming things.
Good Dick, the film I watched a bit ago, was very interesting, to say the least. I'd recommend it although it is quite strange and leaves you feeling a bit....hmm...incomplete? And something else in that mixture I cannot quite put my finger on. Depends on your mood when you get into it, I guess. I was kind of captivated by Jason Ritter's close resemblance to his father John Ritter. [As you can probably tell, I'm really liking the word 'captivated' lately.] I can't really say much more about the film without giving it away but make sure not to watch this around people you feel easily uncomfortable watching sexual films with.The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus was pretty awesome and Heath Ledger never disappoints me and I've come to realize how awesome he is at playing fidgety crazy characters. Johnny Depp's appearance in the film made me see some sort of resemblance between him and Ledger. It's kind of odd and maybe not obvious or apparent to others, but made the film only more fascinating to me. The day I saw that film, I went out and bought some books and films. Brokeback Mountain being one of the novels I purchased. It's a small book, only 53 pages in it's smallest size. I started reading it while I was waiting for the film to start. It took me a bit longer to realize I was reading a book that Ledger portrayed a character from and only to see yet another film with Ledger. It was my little Heath Ledger fest. The film imagery was awesome and made the experience so much better, for the beginning was sort of slow for me. The girl, Lily Cole, has doll-like features that make you want to see more.
And finally, as for my first day of school, it went well. My first class is Philosophy of Art and is taught by a nice older man that looks like a brown haired Larry David to me. Just a little. I think that class is going to be really fun, I have absolutely no problem talking about all forms of art anytime! After that is my women studies class which I'm a little stressed out about, which is the first for this kind of class. There is some group work and presentations/performances that will be due. I'm not a fan, at all, of those things. After that is my, what I feel is going to be my absolute favorite class this semester, Courtship and Marriage. The teacher is fucking awesome and I've read good reviews about him and a lot of the students in that class have taken his classes before. That's a good sign. I'm excited about this class, and well all of them, because they will allow me to delve deeper into things that fascinate me and to have more background research to strengthen or create new opinions and ideas I have. And not to forget my online Witchcraft & Heresy in Europe class which I have yet to start reading up on. I already have some work to do, mostly reading. So, I guess I better end this post here and now. Sorry if I have now crossed your eyes with so much reading.
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