Already Gone

I'm practically avoiding my home. Not necessarily wholly on purpose. I'd just rather be elsewhere. And Sparky's absence still rings in my ears a horrible sound. I have realized that I just don't allow myself to think about it too much now. I mean, despite that, I'm pretty happy these days and I'm having a good time but it's still in the back of my mind and is brought forward every so often. Now I just don't want to bring it up because I don't want to bring down the mood. A bad habit I have, avoiding the actual expression of myself in order to maintain a light hearted atmosphere. Whatever. This picture pretty much hits home for me, I'm tearing up.

But back to my home, it's just so cold here and I feel tied down when I'm here. Always have.
That's the first I've realized that, it is the perfect way to sum it up. Tied down. I have no fucking freedom here and it's not like it's limited purposely. It just happens that way. More than ever now, which is a lot, I want a place of my own. So many of my friends have moved into their own places in the past year and I'm so insanely happy for them and jealous, a good kind of jealous. I feel like my home is becoming more and more a dark place for me. It practically turned to shit after my mom left and now it's only worse with Sparky gone. I just don't know what to do with myself here. Jeeze, I even feel like I'm losing some of my sense of affection. When Sparky was around, I was always petting him and loving him. Since I had that, I can touch anyone or animal for hours at a time without really stopping. Now, I don't have as much of that outlet. This post is all over the place. I guess I just kind of finally started despising my house, alone and because of Sparky. Now I understand how my dad feels about this place. Ever since my mom left he has never really liked our house. Everything here has the essence of my mom. He wants to change things but never gets around to it. I know he dislikes it, but now I understand it more. It's just hard when it has been your home for your entire life, I can't quite completely let this place go.