Temptress

So I'm sprouting into that Scorpio that I always thought I would soon become as I "got older". The one who owns a room and the eyes of every onlooker, the one who everyone wants to talk to. I don't know what the fuck happened but this year has been an interesting one. I know that I have usually given off a vibe of mystery or intrigue at the least, I hear that sometimes, but I guess now it has become more physical. Well, this isn't making sense, my physical appearance has usually always been responsible for the intrigue, I had a rainbow for a head for Christ's sakes! Sexual. Sexual is what I'm talking about today. I have sex appeal! I've never been approachable or necessarily similar to the social capitalist American beauty standard, but now I guess I'm catching attention. I'm not gonna lie or deny it, I love the attention and it's exhilarating because it has never been this way for me. Ever. It's all new and I don't really know how to act or cope with it but just to have fun. That's another thing that is new for me, I'm just trying to have fun. Trying to release my tension and just let go and go with the flow and seize the moments and stop over analyzing them. I guess it's going alright. My repressed sexual energy is going to get me in trouble sometime, I feel like I'm losing more and more control over it. I'm quite frightened. Heh, I just have some standards in that department. I tend to take it slow and it's a really big deal to give myself over to someone. And by that, I don't mean just sex, but everything, affection, pleasure, kindness, compliments, anything from me. I have to trust and know you and feel comfortable with you before you experience them. Kissing is just about my only leaking out of sexuality lately. Some wouldn't think it's such a bad thing, but sometimes I feel like it is. It's just new. Welcome to the dating world I guess. As retarded as I'm being about this, this is something I've always wanted. To be in my 20's and to go out and have a lot of friends and have fun. I mean, who doesn't want it. I just keep forgetting that I'm growing up. I think living at home is really making hard for me to accept that and limits a lot of my behavior, which could be good and bad at the same time. There's nothing I want more now than a place of my own. This post is going to trail a bit off subject now, just to warn you. But I've been meaning to write this. I'll just touch on it a little...I've been considering after I graduate which will be in a year or so, to just get a real job, possibly a mindless one, and get some money and move the fuck out on my own. Because, first I will have loans to pay back as soon as I graduate, not looking forward to that. And I'm not sure what my Dad's plans are, I'm under the assumption that I or us won't be staying in that house for much longer. I think he is waiting for me to be done with school. Part of why this is a big deal is, for my degree in anthropology, it's just only the beginning. I next would have to go to graduate school for a more specific field in anthropology and get a masters and/or possibly a doctorate . Quite honestly, I'm fucking done with school, and as I always say, school equals money and money that I just don't have. I know it will be strange though because school has always been my life, I'm not quite sure what I'll be able to do with myself without it. Yet, the reason for stopping, I want to have a life. Two things make me reconsider this, my Dad's opinions may not be so thrilled of this sort of action, I'm not really sure but either way it shows how much I value his thoughts. And this next reason ties in a little with my Dad, but the fact of stopping school when I've gone all this way with the school I've done so far. Kind of like it will all be a waste, I just don't know. The future just scares the hell out of me. And as for what I meant by a mindless job. Honestly, working at a factory or doing something mindlessly repetitive appeals to me and always has. I just want something that I don't have to bring home with me. I want to work, make the money to live and to go out whenever the fuck I want and not have the weight of fucking homework to take me and my life down. Blah.