Whirlwind

Why did/do I hate the world? Well a few reasons. I'm not one for complaining especially on a blog unless I'm exceptionally stressed. But it seems people want to read this kind of stuff anyways. It's interesting, "complaining" in a blog versus in person. There becomes this distant empathy, with a relief of pressure on both parties. Relief in pressure for the listener/reader to have to contribute any input. Relief of pressure in the complainer/speaker/writer for simply getting it out, and not having to worry as much what the receiver thinks/says/etc. Interesting dynamic all around really.

To start, my car is having problems. First there was a mystery leak which we couldn't figure exactly where it was coming from. Then we noticed another leak, which may or may not have been the original mystery leak. We determined that leak was from a crack in my radiator. So I bought a new radiator, luckily with a great deal. Put in the new radiator in hopes that would solve all leakage. But we shortly found out that that original leak was still present. So it's still a bit mysterious and incredibly frustrating. The frustration not only stems from the fact that we can't see where it literally originates, but that my dad has absolutely literally completely no money and I have verrry very very little. Which sums up to that if it's something really serious, I can't afford it and that's the end of my having a car, thus transportation, further complicating job prospects and such. This fact of lacking money also means my dad can't and barely hasn't been able to make our housing payments. We're in incredible debt to begin with. My dad's company doing home improvement is lacking business and his health is still not the best, further sucking up his money. The only job my brother has is that working with my dad, which again, isn't often at all. So, all this adds more reasons why I don't want to be around the house, which makes it worse considering my car isn't in the best condition now. I can't make many or any trips to the west side where half of my friends reside. Yesterday was also super annoying because I went to the DES office to get fingerprinted and bring in some papers for my application for food stamps. I went during rush hour, annoying. I went during their seemingly busy hour prior to closing, really annoying. I went on the last day I could before my deadline so I couldn't just leave, perpetually annoying. There were annoying kids everywhere, I really should of just turned my hearing aids off, but I didn't want to miss any announcements. A little boy who's mother was in line in front of me kept walking around and stepping on my feet. I was wearing my gladiator sandals too. So every time he came near me I would make a clear radius of distance between him and I that probably made me seem like a germaphobe and/or baby-hater to an outsider. Which I guess all isn't drastically far from the truth anyways. And to add that cherry on top, having a job again is exhausting and reminded me how annoying customers are. Some are quite nice, but the fact that I really only make tips isn't really pleasant. I'm actually kind of regretting this decision, but I'm going to stick with it for at least a little bit to decide if I'm just emotional and stressed right now separately from the job itself. I do enjoy it, but at the same time I have to figure if it's worth it. I just really reallllllllllllllllllllly need a job. And it's not adding to my life any more pleasantly. This paragraph started out a little nice as a venting, but now it's stressing me out more.
[If there are any grammatical or spelling errors in this paragraph it's because I refused to reread it during editing].

I need to stop about that for now. I will also describe my tasks and experiences with the job eventually, but not now. I will say one thing. That I have been again intensely reminded how much I appreciate surrounding myself with older and more mature people. Teenagers annoy the living shit out of me. I really do think I can handle being around a crowd ridiculous and drunk adults over obnoxious and sober teenagers. Wow, interesting.

Luckily Alanis Morissette soothes me.

And now to other things...

I think it's rude when people walk into a room to talk on the phone while you're already in there watching television.

This is for someone, I find it interesting: To see a cable in your dream, represents your stamina and durability. If the cable is frayed or broken, then it signifies a lack of strength.

In the past couple days, I've dreamt of my car steaming up a great deal. And another of my car leaking profusely.

I love starting sentences with "and," "so," and "but" although I know according to English writing rules is incorrect. I think about that every time I do it.

I am more and more further realizing and deciding that I just really can't date people my age. Yes, there could or may be some exceptions. But as a whole, I'm becoming incredibly less and less interested in them. My friends that are closer to my age are the ones I've had for years so I'm fine with them, but even meeting new people around my age doesn't even keep my attention for long spans of time. I'm even having phrases in my head for when young people hit on me, that I become soooo close to actually saying out loud. Phrases along the lines of, "Sorry, I only date older people," or "I prefer people that aren't near my age," or my favorite, "You look like a complete douchebag." My literal physical attraction to them is even waning, while my attraction for people somewhat older than me is increasing [that's a whole other history for another time]. And when I say older, I mean a general age range of like late 20's to 50's.

I saw an ex-boyfriend recently, who I realized was the youngest person that was older than me that I ever dated [I did date one guy who was 4 months younger than me, not such a great idea]. But although him and I get along really well and have an attraction, I realized how annoyingly simple he is. Some girls love simple guys, so they can "control them" and such. But as much as I like control, I can't fucking stand simple people. Simple is quite a broad term here, I don't mean it in every extremity, more of the intellectual aspect. But I realized him and I never had many profound conversations, the ones I cherish. Although I learned a great deal about relationships and my wants and desires regarding it while I was with him and after, I really didn't learn so much from our actual conversations and interactions in terms of intellect. We didn't have really any intellectual connection. Luckily that whole experience gave me a lot of blogging material because he was the ex I was with when I first started this blog, and after I broke up with him I went on my single-by-choice-thing for quite a long time, tied with some experimentation that also taught me a lot [thus a whole lot of writing]. My point is, I learned more, intellectually, in just my 9 months with my recent ex than I ever did with my 16 months with the aforementioned ex [Interestingly, both Virgos]. I realized that as I was talking to him, he would say 1-4 worded responses to some important statement I made. I actually I saw both of these exes within the same week, so it was a drastic difference in my taste [taste isn't even the right word] over a spectrum of time.

Young guys don't really have a whole lot to say and they aren't nearly as analytical. Yes, I'm not saying this applies to everyone. Analytical people, although can be annoying or too much at times [myself included], are my most favorite. People who can analyze things I say in a positive way, who take what I'm actually packing into my words and gestures, are my one of my biggest turn ons. Being able to take insight into who I am without my having to tell them outright. People who actually like what they learn and take from me, and that care to do it itself. Absolutely fucking awesome. It makes me blush. And those conversations, are the kind that always surprise me. As I was talking about how I find it surprising when people have deep conversations with me but don't normally do so with others, or who take inspiration or have a revelation from the things I say...how they feel in those moments, are how I feel when I come across a person who interprets me on such a deep level. Also tied in with my fascination with the concept of perception. Just writing and thinking about it makes my heart flutter a bit.
These sentences are becoming more incoherent, I apologize. I'm kinda in a daze today, in a good and bad way. I'm sure there's more I can and will add to this section, but I feel my organization is slipping from me.

There's so many things I want to write about, but once I go through the train of thought and realize how long it's gonna be I change my mind. For instance, there's a really cool show I watched that I want to share with you guys, a film too, and an addition to my attraction to cops or the concept of cops and people in uniforms. I want to talk about...oh I thought of a couple short things...

I love the show House, granted I don't watch much T.V. currently, but I will always love that show. House's personality and mood is entertaining and strangely attractive. The theme song, of course! In combination with the visuals in the intro, jizztastical! What I also love is that Massive Attack's "Teardrop" has beats that match the sound and pace of a heartbeat, even more appropriate of a theme song. I've probably mentioned it before, but anytime I hear that song [or Massive Attack in general] I can't not move. The beats live in my body. It's wonderful.
Below is a video of the intro, well 3 of them. Due to copyrights, they couldn't use the original "Teardrop" in other locations, so they made their own versions. Pretty cool sounding actually.


Well now I got all distracted by the song. Oh well, I wanted to post this beautiful photo.

I want to post a video of myself speaking some time, because I often wonder the voice you hear in your head when you read my blog. I'm directing this to those who don't know me at all, those of you all over the world. Because I sway from lightheartedness, retardedness, sarcasm, seriousness, sadness, and excitement very drastically even in just a couple of sentences. So I'm sure interpretations on my words aren't always accurate, if really ever. I guess you would get used to it and pick up on things. But it's always interesting how I hear my voice in my head while I type these things. There is soo much emphasis and intonation it's nuts. Speaking of which, I think I've forgotten to discuss intonation in regards to something I learned in my Language Science class. Ah, another thing to add to the list. Well, I ought to shower and get ready for work. Best to you all!