Money comes to me easily and effortlessly.
I am worthy of making more money.
My actions create constant prosperity.
I am full of positive loving energy.
I welcome love and romance into my life.
I am in loving and supportive relationships.
I deserve love and I get it in abundance.
I am loved, loving, and lovable.
I forgive myself and set myself free.
I am in the process of becoming the best version of myself.
I have the freedom and power to create the life I desire.
I choose to be kind to myself and love myself unconditionally.
I am worthy of my dreams.
I am enough.
I deserve to be healthy and feel good.
I am full of energy and vitality and my mind is calm and peaceful.
Happiness is my birthright. I choose to be happy and I deserve to be happy.
Good things are happening.
I am deeply fulfilled by what I do.
I create beauty in all that I do.
I make meaningful connections.
I seek serenity.
I am superior to negative thoughts and low actions.
I have endless talents which I utilize today.
I forgive those who have harmed me in my past and peacefully detach from them.
A river of compassion washes away my anger and replaces it with love.
Creative energy surges through me and leads me to new and brilliant ideas.
Happiness is a choice. I have the power to make that choice.
My ability to conquer my challenges is limitless; my potential to succeed is infinite.
Lead with gratitude.
Today, I abandon my old habits and take up new, more positive ones.
Many people look up to me and recognize my worth; I am admired.
I have the ability to help.
I acknowledge my own self-worth; my confidence is soaring.
Everything that is happening now is happening for my ultimate good.
I am a powerhouse; I am indestructible.
Though these times are difficult, they will pass.
The perfect partner for me is coming into my life sooner than I expect.
I radiate beauty, charm, and grace.
My obstacles are moving out of my way; my path is carved towards greatness.
I wake up today with strength in my heart and clarity in my mind.
My fears of tomorrow are simply melting away.
I am at peace with all that has happened, is happening, and will happen.
6.07.2020
6.06.2020
Unpacking
It's funny that my last post was about Keanu Reeves, it was supposed to inspire positivity. 2020 has been anything but positive. I'm writing this in a time that has got us all down in some shape or form(s). I've never, in my life, had so much change in such a small period of time. A lot of good came out of it, and I have immense gratitude. However whenever things start to steamroll my life, I always wait for the breakdown, and it typically never comes. That always surprises me.
But it came. And in some weird way I'm grateful for it. But I realized I have a lot to unpack. So I'm forcing myself to do it because I know it will be good for me, not just now, but for my future too.
I have a lifetime and the present in my suitcase right now. I have my own personal affairs and current world events packed into a small space. I will focus on my personal affairs in this particular post and the world events such as COVID-19 and Black Lives Matter and how Trump has shown further incompetency in his handling of both of these and further dividing our country will be in a different post.
I don't really know where to start other than chronologically. March 2020. Something happened that I feared would happen again. My mom relapsed, and relapsed bad. Before March of 2020, the last I saw her was May 2019 around Mother's Day. She said she was sick with something physical and could not figure out what it was and that is why she distanced herself from me. But as time went, I had this lingering thought that my brother, who also relapsed, confirmed, she was drinking again. I was not sure if he was telling the truth, because he was battling his own demons still and trying to take anyone else down with him, to put blame and focus on others rather than himself. I had a conversation with my mom some time ago when she was sober and told her that if she ever did relapse there no promise that I would not do what I've done in the past. To give distance. I cannot be there, see her like that. But with my progress, I learned that I could at least let her know that I was there for her if she needed help. My dad, since I was 15, has burned the wise words into my brain, "You cannot help those that will not help themselves." So with my program I've learned to take care of myself first and foremost, which I have never done before. But also to recognize the state of the struggling loved ones and to let them know you still love them and that you are there for them when they are ready. I had to create healthy boundaries for myself. This is great progress for me and I'm proud of that. That moment came in March where I had to let her know I was still there.
I received an alarming text from my mom's employer at 4 in the morning. I had just woken up for work but knew I had to do something, but not everything. I spent the morning researching and compiling a list of shelters, facilities, and care for addicts that have no home or health insurance. My mom lost her job and her home. Both were intertwined as she was an in-home caregiver. It finally happened. I was surprised it hadn't happened sooner but most addicts are skilled at lying and hiding. Even though the employer did not know what was truly happening to my mom, I wanted to give my mom dignity, not to reveal such. I was asked to go and try to retrieve her from an Air BnB that she was abusing her stay at. Her former employer arranged and purchased her temporary stay so that she could have time to find a more permanent place after they let her go. I planned to go see her. My emotions were wild. I had to prepare for future trauma. How the fuck does someone do that? I imagined the worst to ease any blow. I still was unsure of the situation and did not have the whole picture. Once the sun was out and it was a reasonable time in the morning I went, it was quite a drive and took about an hour until I finally found her.
She did not even see me at first. I found her outside the house, smoking in her car. She was surprised I was there. She didn't understand why or how I was there and all I could say was that they called me to to tell her she had to leave before the cops would possibly be called. I gave her the list I compiled. I told her if she wanted help I was there. What I've realized since, is that when my mom is under the influence, she is a very ugly person. Polar opposite of what she really is. She is one of those unconditionally loving and accepting people, when she's sober. With those polar differences it makes so incredibly hard to see and be on the receiving end of her ugliness. She said to me, "I thought you didn't love me anymore." I understand what she meant by it but it was an ugly and uncharacteristic thing to say. This statement alone, brought back all of the trauma from my younger years. All of the more horrible things she has said to or about me.
It was important to me that I planned to show up, but not to take her with me. That is what I did. The deep older version of me hoped it would be enough, but it never is. Which only further proves all the work and therapy that I need to do. Later I got more phone calls. I got cornered in a phone conversation with another one of her employers (there are 3 daughters of her the woman she cared for, one gave me the original text message, another called me). In this phone call I tried to hold my place and to continue to give my mom dignity but this woman attacked me, saying without saying that I was a bad daughter. But she did not understand. Just did not understand. So I broke my vow to give my mom dignity and admitted that my mom was an alcoholic. She fell back a little on her attack on me, but I still know, she did not fully understand what I've been through in my entire life. The biggest lesson I've learned over the past few years is that anyone that has never been through this, just does not, cannot relate to what I have gone through, what any of us as loved ones of addicts have gone and continue to go through regardless of the current status of the addict.
My mom asked me to leave and I respected that. I did my part that I planned to do. I know that I cannot change or force a person and had no intention of doing so. And it is unhealthy of me to wrap my whole existence on trying to do it. She said she was going to leave and go to a shelter she has been to before. But later was when I got the call from the daughter and the homeowner that she has not left the house. I urged the daughter to take upon her threat of calling the cops because they could do something I could and would not. I never heard anything from anyone after that. To this day I still don't know what happened. I spent the next 2 weeks looking online for any arrest or court records and found nothing. She could of been arrested. She could of gone to a shelter. She could of gotten help from the employers. I do not know and it does not need to be my responsibility.
That day, before the last bombarding phone call, I went to my dad's house. My brother, who had just gotten out of jail was there. He appeared strung out, worse than my mom looked earlier that morning. We didn't say a lot to each other other than talk about love and missing each other. He left with my dad and stepmom to go retrieve his car that he had just wrecked in an accident under the influence. I recently found out that since my brother has been out of rehab since November 2019 has had yet another overdose or maybe 2 and still threatens my dad all the bad things he will do. Still not taking any responsibility or accountability for himself, still no growth but full expectation that my dad take care of him. It's been a lifelong experience of watching my dad take him in and in again and again. My brother only reaches out to my dad when he wants something. My dad is finally creating some boundaries for himself. My dad recently said that the reason he helps him, in specific times, is because my brother is trying to do better. So when my brother tries to get better, my dad helps. I finally understand that now. But then every step forward is ten steps back and we are right in the beginning of the cycle again. There's more to it, but it's just hard to get into it. Hard to paint the real picture. I know my dad's history in his life, the bad choices he made, the things his parents did and did not do, all affect him in his interactions and decisions with my brother. I know it pains him deeply. I cannot do much for him except live my life the best that I can so he does not have to worry about me too (even though he does). The message still rings true, you can't help them if they don't want to help themselves. I want them to be better, but I know that is not on me. I can't do what they have to do for themselves. All I can do is wait for that moment they call on me to help them when they are ready. When that time comes, if that time comes, I will do my best. Until then, I have to work through my trauma, my upbringing, my issues of unworthiness for me. I have to learn to love me, despite all the damage.
In the meantime, I've put in 3 and a half years in a very toxic workplace. My loyalty to jobs is what keeps me there. My sense of unworthiness, keeps me there. Things were getting harder and harder and the reasons that kept me, weren't strong enough anymore. What I have to unpack here is the very recent realization that I have PTSD from this job. The last day I worked there was towards the end of April and I am just now realizing that I have not molted the skin I built there. I started a new job in May, it's only been a month and I have learned a thousand things about myself in a short period. I have been feeling immense emotions and have no idea what they are and where they are coming from. Until now I have some sort of idea.
Unfortunately because of COVID-19 I have not socialized truly with loved ones or even with myself for that matter. I have been so focused and even obsessed with COVID-19 that I have not paid any attention to myself and what I was going through. I would check in with myself on a certain level, and knew that my depression was taking on different forms. I was trying to be patient with myself and the changes that COVID-19 implemented into my life. But I still was missing a big part of what was going on with me. I finally had some face to face interaction with a friend the other day (distantly of course) and realized just how much I have to unpack. She, this friend, had also worked at the same job and left over a year before I did. We've had many conversations about all the bad that the job gives us, how it shapes you, we also recognized the little bit of good. I recognize them both in myself as well. I will say, the bad is what is killing me right now, it's truly why I'm making this post. She said it first, that I have PTSD. Now her and I don't use that term lightly, but it may not be completely accurate but the best way to get the point across. Unfortunately the real thing for me is that I learned horrible traits, behaviors, and expectations of shit. Expectations of being thrown under the bus, being treated as shit, being unable to trust anyone, being treated like shit by the few you eventually trust, having to cover and protect your ass at all times, having a worthless voice, being used as a pawn for anyone and for any reason, being told only when you do bad, not being acknowledged or rewarded for doing the job or doing good, complete lack of genuineness, lack of communication or respect, no boundaries......
As much as I don't want to think about it, I know I have to do the work. It is affecting me deeply at my new job. I went from one job to the next. I had a week off but I realized that week was spent in isolation and constant worry about many variables of the unknown. I didn't release the hold of the old job. I don't even, in this moment, know the full effect. I'm writing my process out, something I have not done in over a year. I need to shed this skin before I lose or sabotage the rapport I could gain in my new job. I need to grieve what is lost, even if it is a good loss. It was my way of life for some time and I need to release it before I can create a healthier skin to live in.
I trained myself, and others, as a mentor, not to talk about your personal life because no one cares and will treat you badly if you do, even using it against you. I trained myself to be quiet and just observe at the beginning, but I am a person who will help and speak out for others and later I did that. I may not always speak out for myself, but I will help someone if I can. Speaking out lead to nothing. Speaking out lead to retribution, singling out, and no action. If you have anxiety or any mental illness, you would be misunderstood, wrongly labeled, and treated like shit for it, further heightening said mental illness. If you asked for help or tried to do your job by the book you were a nuisance, you were cast out. People that make strongly unethical shortcuts continued to be employed and were only fired if it positively affected upper management and served their agenda. If you were slower than others you were not respected, even if you actually worked when the others did not all. You could not go home unless the work was done, even if you were one of the few doing it. If you did work, you would be used over and over and the boundaries would continue to diminish further and further. If you did everything you could do to be a good employee and solve problems, you never got acknowledged. The people that did things that weren't part of their job description got recognition, even employee of the month although they actually didn't do anything in their job description. Safety was only a concern for corporate office workers. They had us watch videos about safety and ergonomics yearly, but none of that pertained to the job we did. If we hurt ourselves we were punished and not properly taken care of. Working during COVID-19 they wanted us to be obvious about cleanliness in the eyes of customers, but didn't really care about actual cleanliness nor did they enforce any social distancing or cleaning protocol between employees. The customer was always right regardless of the fact that we were doing our job by the required strict federal regulations. Gossip, while told should not happen, happened on all levels. Despite strict regulations most things were not communicated to all employees, leaving a lot up to word of mouth which was mostly inaccurate. Management was not only incapable of the job, not knowledgeable nor reliable, and also forced to be divided by upper management. Conniving is the the best word used to describe all in upper management. Secrecy rather transparency was the model of operation. If you wanted change, you were the enemy. If you were part of the company for a long time you started to fall under the spell of all things fucked up. No accountability on all levels. Personal time, or I should say, your time off was not respected, you were owned by the company and the job at all times. High turnover rate due to new people being treated badly, even bullied, unless you knew someone in the company. Favoritism existed. People that worked there, myself included, that saw through the shit that refused to aspire to higher positions, were not given promotions for good work, they, along with everyone else was expected to apply. If you did apply, you will get turned down at least once, for most people usually twice or thrice. If you did apply to a different position internally, you not only were turned down, but given no reason as to why. On rare occasions, if you were given a reason and actively worked on it, you still were not given the position but rather an option of position of the same responsibilities with less pay. Upper management spread toxicity from the top, supervisors did not supervise as they learned from those before them which further enhanced the lack of accountability or striving to live up to what the position entailed. Bad behavior was never reprimanded, only attendance which is extremely strict and unrealistic. If you did have a demerit or anything against you, you may have not been communicated about it. If you have complaints against you, you may never hear them, and when you do, you'll hear them all at once as they try to weed you out unethically. If you did not go by the book but it serves upper management, you are not reprimanded. If you did not go by the book but it does not serve upper management you will be reprimanded, but only on a case by case basis due to whoever the fuck you personally pissed off, even if someone else did the same thing but was on good terms with management. If you did move up, you got closer to the source of toxicity, which would envelope you. The sheer amount of toxicity embedded in the department was so deeply embedded that you may be blind to it, and continue to be blind to it as it seeps into your work personality and worst of all your personal life. The general style of communication is seeped in negativity and defensiveness. It is aggressive and abrasive. Traffic/driving laws did not matter unless it actually got captured on a driver cam. We lived on fast food because we traveled at odd hours and didn't have full access to a cafeteria or limited access to a functioning break room/microwave. This personally has raised my blood pressure and other health issues. We ate our meals in cars and spent more money because of it. The physical toll alone is not good for any employees that have health/physical issues or limitations or are older. I had to go out of my way almost everyday to explain that I was hard of hearing to get someone else to do a phone call for me because the environment was too loud for me to hear/understand in. That alone was not only tiring to find someone available and to rely on and sometimes uncomfortable, but hard to express accurately in a short time frame. This was one good thing, the only good thing I will mention about this job in this post, that upper management was, for the most part, respectful about. However, one of the many reasons I declined to move up in the job was because the promotion would require more usage of the phone which I highly doubt the company would give accommodations for and would further ostracize and give me trouble for. Anyone on physical restrictions was shunned in some way, gossiped about, and treated differently. I mentioned gossip and disrespect multiple times, and it is important to note that while it should not matter too much what people think about you, but that's exactly it. They can think whatever they want, but in this work environment, it went beyond that. People were treated differently and poorly, it affected everyone and carried on that negative note/mood furthering the lack of teamwork. This caused division among people that should have been working together to deal with all the shit. Morale was low to begin with, and all of these things mentioned just brought it down, or it was simply nonexistent most of the time. True leadership is not a skill set you would see. Teamwork is never inspired, created, nor enforced. Only division and conflict were acceptable. Us against them on every level, between coworkers, between supervisors and staff, between management and everyone, between upper management and everyone below, even between employees and customers. Everyday the expectation was negativity and hardship from your own and from outsiders. Customers came at you about things you have no control or authority or voice over. Again our voice meant nothing, and we were the people to be in the field with the customers. If they had a problem, it was always with something we have no control over and if we were to voice it, it would immediately be shut down. Most customers did not respect the process nor cared for the safety of the blood supply, they just wanted to do a good deed even if it turned out to do more harm than good. It was to the point if we had bad complaints we would tell customers to complain to the company or the FDA because their voice meant immensely more than ours. Departments were separated, thus it was again, us against them. Different software systems, meant that if we changed something per the customers complaint, it would not reach the appropriate department, therefore nothing would be changed and we would still bare the brunt of the complaints and aggression. Recruitment department did everything they could to slam us with work only for the sake of numbers, but never cared about the rules in place to protect us, never cared about the workload they put upon us. It was a snowball effect causing more and more problems. If something went wrong they could easily blame us, furthering the incoming hostility and ill treatment. Also furthering the need to protect ourselves, that we are one against the world, that we have to survive on our own. Survival, that's what this job was. Constant striving for survival for the price of everything that I have lost.
This list, sadly and realistically, goes on. And this is just trying to remember, after being gone for just a month. If I were truly to go back into my shoes, which I do not want to do....maybe I need to, I do not know, the list would double or triple in size. This list was a purge of sorts and went in a direction I did not expect. While not all of these things happened to me specifically, they happened. No workplace should have this many fucked up things happening. I've seen a shift in everyone that I've ever worked with there. My cousin started there before me, while he stays away from most of the drama, all the technical, unethical, and fucked up stuff still exists and affects him. He is affected differently than I am, understandably, but he's worn out, he knows it's bad, but he also gets paid more and has a family to provide for. The main two things that seems to keep people there is the pay and the job itself, doing a good thing. It is hard to find a similar job that pays as much. Granted I worked 3 jobs while I was there, it pays decent but it was not enough for me. I've seen my coworker who I started with completely transform into a new person. She got sucked into the job, never said no, and is constantly taken advantage of, and now her work ethic and personality have basically turned to shit. Not to say that outside forces have not influenced her because it does. This job is incredibly difficult especially when bad/overwhelming things, like what I described for me earlier, are happening in your personal life. When life is hard and you have to come into a toxic work environment it feels like there's no end, there's no solution, no hope. I speak from experience for sure. This particular person has also treated me badly, along with a few others, because of a combination of life and this job. Almost as if it strips you of the tools to appropriately and acceptably deal with circumstances and not be an asshole/cunt. I've seen and helped new people adjust to this job, often they were in tears. It was such a struggle to know that the company is shit yet the work at the core of it was good. I felt like I basically had to teach people how to survive in this toxic workplace and to not let it affect them, even though it affected me every day. I had to welcome them and let them learn on their own what the environment truly was, and then maybe give them skills to cope. But really, how far does that go? How successful is it? How ethical is it? It felt not only misleading, but completely disheartening.
I left the job with 2 specific friendships that were very close at some point to not wanting anything to do with them. What happened with those friendships are haunting me now. They haunt me because now that I'm gone, they don't talk to me, it shows true colors. True colors that our friendships meant nothing at work and definitely not outside of work. With one, she let her own insecurities and the fucked up tools the job has embedded in her to treat me horrible. I understand it was also her true colors I saw too, not just the effect of the job. I did the work to repair it, I spoke up for myself, knowing that I could never trust her again. The other friendship has been withering away for some time, despite my efforts to create grounds for truth and giving space for her to process whatever she was going through. With both, before I left I realized they were problematic and that I was being treated quite poorly and did not need to have that in my life. My resignation happened right at the time. I've decided I'm done, I don't need or deserve to be treated this way. But I can't stop thinking about it, and that frustrates and hurts me. I have to learn to let go.
All of this purge has a purpose. The skin I have said has not molted. The skin that I built, shaped, and conformed around me in my last job, is affecting me in my new job. I feel like I'm coming at people hard. Some of it is in my own mind because I've learned this huge amount of defensiveness and need to protect and cover my ass regardless of circumstances. I already am an intense person but I usually start a new job as a watered down version of myself and feel the waters before I show any of my personality. While I feel like I'm not myself, at least not my fun self, I'm still not myself in the bad ways too. My communication style is intense and seemingly inappropriate or harsh. It's hard to tell exactly how I'm coming off because I keep feeling like I'm being a dick or being harsh even if I am not. I have formed a habit that I have to speak out and take a stand strongly since I believe I have no power in my words. I need to learn to calm myself, to slow down, to speak less intensely, to think before I speak. To have patience and to work with what I've got. To slow down to find the correct words to properly express myself without being harsh or hurting others. I think that I am being hurtful because of what I have learned, yet that might not be true at all, it could be in my head with this skin I have yet to shed. I have to let it go and start anew. I have to lead with gratitude and not believe that everyone is out to get me. I need to remember that people are truly there to help not to destroy me. I know that not every job is perfect, I have to correct my expectations and work with what I am given. I take my work, all of it, very seriously. It shows, but not in the ways I would like. I have to actively work on all this. I need to stop creating enemies where there are none. I also need to talk about it. I have a bad habit of not sharing what I am going through. Talking things through gives me clarity. I have to speak up with my loved ones about what I am going through especially work stuff. I need to write more to work through things on my own as well.
But it came. And in some weird way I'm grateful for it. But I realized I have a lot to unpack. So I'm forcing myself to do it because I know it will be good for me, not just now, but for my future too.
I have a lifetime and the present in my suitcase right now. I have my own personal affairs and current world events packed into a small space. I will focus on my personal affairs in this particular post and the world events such as COVID-19 and Black Lives Matter and how Trump has shown further incompetency in his handling of both of these and further dividing our country will be in a different post.
I don't really know where to start other than chronologically. March 2020. Something happened that I feared would happen again. My mom relapsed, and relapsed bad. Before March of 2020, the last I saw her was May 2019 around Mother's Day. She said she was sick with something physical and could not figure out what it was and that is why she distanced herself from me. But as time went, I had this lingering thought that my brother, who also relapsed, confirmed, she was drinking again. I was not sure if he was telling the truth, because he was battling his own demons still and trying to take anyone else down with him, to put blame and focus on others rather than himself. I had a conversation with my mom some time ago when she was sober and told her that if she ever did relapse there no promise that I would not do what I've done in the past. To give distance. I cannot be there, see her like that. But with my progress, I learned that I could at least let her know that I was there for her if she needed help. My dad, since I was 15, has burned the wise words into my brain, "You cannot help those that will not help themselves." So with my program I've learned to take care of myself first and foremost, which I have never done before. But also to recognize the state of the struggling loved ones and to let them know you still love them and that you are there for them when they are ready. I had to create healthy boundaries for myself. This is great progress for me and I'm proud of that. That moment came in March where I had to let her know I was still there.
I received an alarming text from my mom's employer at 4 in the morning. I had just woken up for work but knew I had to do something, but not everything. I spent the morning researching and compiling a list of shelters, facilities, and care for addicts that have no home or health insurance. My mom lost her job and her home. Both were intertwined as she was an in-home caregiver. It finally happened. I was surprised it hadn't happened sooner but most addicts are skilled at lying and hiding. Even though the employer did not know what was truly happening to my mom, I wanted to give my mom dignity, not to reveal such. I was asked to go and try to retrieve her from an Air BnB that she was abusing her stay at. Her former employer arranged and purchased her temporary stay so that she could have time to find a more permanent place after they let her go. I planned to go see her. My emotions were wild. I had to prepare for future trauma. How the fuck does someone do that? I imagined the worst to ease any blow. I still was unsure of the situation and did not have the whole picture. Once the sun was out and it was a reasonable time in the morning I went, it was quite a drive and took about an hour until I finally found her.
She did not even see me at first. I found her outside the house, smoking in her car. She was surprised I was there. She didn't understand why or how I was there and all I could say was that they called me to to tell her she had to leave before the cops would possibly be called. I gave her the list I compiled. I told her if she wanted help I was there. What I've realized since, is that when my mom is under the influence, she is a very ugly person. Polar opposite of what she really is. She is one of those unconditionally loving and accepting people, when she's sober. With those polar differences it makes so incredibly hard to see and be on the receiving end of her ugliness. She said to me, "I thought you didn't love me anymore." I understand what she meant by it but it was an ugly and uncharacteristic thing to say. This statement alone, brought back all of the trauma from my younger years. All of the more horrible things she has said to or about me.
It was important to me that I planned to show up, but not to take her with me. That is what I did. The deep older version of me hoped it would be enough, but it never is. Which only further proves all the work and therapy that I need to do. Later I got more phone calls. I got cornered in a phone conversation with another one of her employers (there are 3 daughters of her the woman she cared for, one gave me the original text message, another called me). In this phone call I tried to hold my place and to continue to give my mom dignity but this woman attacked me, saying without saying that I was a bad daughter. But she did not understand. Just did not understand. So I broke my vow to give my mom dignity and admitted that my mom was an alcoholic. She fell back a little on her attack on me, but I still know, she did not fully understand what I've been through in my entire life. The biggest lesson I've learned over the past few years is that anyone that has never been through this, just does not, cannot relate to what I have gone through, what any of us as loved ones of addicts have gone and continue to go through regardless of the current status of the addict.
My mom asked me to leave and I respected that. I did my part that I planned to do. I know that I cannot change or force a person and had no intention of doing so. And it is unhealthy of me to wrap my whole existence on trying to do it. She said she was going to leave and go to a shelter she has been to before. But later was when I got the call from the daughter and the homeowner that she has not left the house. I urged the daughter to take upon her threat of calling the cops because they could do something I could and would not. I never heard anything from anyone after that. To this day I still don't know what happened. I spent the next 2 weeks looking online for any arrest or court records and found nothing. She could of been arrested. She could of gone to a shelter. She could of gotten help from the employers. I do not know and it does not need to be my responsibility.
That day, before the last bombarding phone call, I went to my dad's house. My brother, who had just gotten out of jail was there. He appeared strung out, worse than my mom looked earlier that morning. We didn't say a lot to each other other than talk about love and missing each other. He left with my dad and stepmom to go retrieve his car that he had just wrecked in an accident under the influence. I recently found out that since my brother has been out of rehab since November 2019 has had yet another overdose or maybe 2 and still threatens my dad all the bad things he will do. Still not taking any responsibility or accountability for himself, still no growth but full expectation that my dad take care of him. It's been a lifelong experience of watching my dad take him in and in again and again. My brother only reaches out to my dad when he wants something. My dad is finally creating some boundaries for himself. My dad recently said that the reason he helps him, in specific times, is because my brother is trying to do better. So when my brother tries to get better, my dad helps. I finally understand that now. But then every step forward is ten steps back and we are right in the beginning of the cycle again. There's more to it, but it's just hard to get into it. Hard to paint the real picture. I know my dad's history in his life, the bad choices he made, the things his parents did and did not do, all affect him in his interactions and decisions with my brother. I know it pains him deeply. I cannot do much for him except live my life the best that I can so he does not have to worry about me too (even though he does). The message still rings true, you can't help them if they don't want to help themselves. I want them to be better, but I know that is not on me. I can't do what they have to do for themselves. All I can do is wait for that moment they call on me to help them when they are ready. When that time comes, if that time comes, I will do my best. Until then, I have to work through my trauma, my upbringing, my issues of unworthiness for me. I have to learn to love me, despite all the damage.
In the meantime, I've put in 3 and a half years in a very toxic workplace. My loyalty to jobs is what keeps me there. My sense of unworthiness, keeps me there. Things were getting harder and harder and the reasons that kept me, weren't strong enough anymore. What I have to unpack here is the very recent realization that I have PTSD from this job. The last day I worked there was towards the end of April and I am just now realizing that I have not molted the skin I built there. I started a new job in May, it's only been a month and I have learned a thousand things about myself in a short period. I have been feeling immense emotions and have no idea what they are and where they are coming from. Until now I have some sort of idea.
Unfortunately because of COVID-19 I have not socialized truly with loved ones or even with myself for that matter. I have been so focused and even obsessed with COVID-19 that I have not paid any attention to myself and what I was going through. I would check in with myself on a certain level, and knew that my depression was taking on different forms. I was trying to be patient with myself and the changes that COVID-19 implemented into my life. But I still was missing a big part of what was going on with me. I finally had some face to face interaction with a friend the other day (distantly of course) and realized just how much I have to unpack. She, this friend, had also worked at the same job and left over a year before I did. We've had many conversations about all the bad that the job gives us, how it shapes you, we also recognized the little bit of good. I recognize them both in myself as well. I will say, the bad is what is killing me right now, it's truly why I'm making this post. She said it first, that I have PTSD. Now her and I don't use that term lightly, but it may not be completely accurate but the best way to get the point across. Unfortunately the real thing for me is that I learned horrible traits, behaviors, and expectations of shit. Expectations of being thrown under the bus, being treated as shit, being unable to trust anyone, being treated like shit by the few you eventually trust, having to cover and protect your ass at all times, having a worthless voice, being used as a pawn for anyone and for any reason, being told only when you do bad, not being acknowledged or rewarded for doing the job or doing good, complete lack of genuineness, lack of communication or respect, no boundaries......
As much as I don't want to think about it, I know I have to do the work. It is affecting me deeply at my new job. I went from one job to the next. I had a week off but I realized that week was spent in isolation and constant worry about many variables of the unknown. I didn't release the hold of the old job. I don't even, in this moment, know the full effect. I'm writing my process out, something I have not done in over a year. I need to shed this skin before I lose or sabotage the rapport I could gain in my new job. I need to grieve what is lost, even if it is a good loss. It was my way of life for some time and I need to release it before I can create a healthier skin to live in.
I trained myself, and others, as a mentor, not to talk about your personal life because no one cares and will treat you badly if you do, even using it against you. I trained myself to be quiet and just observe at the beginning, but I am a person who will help and speak out for others and later I did that. I may not always speak out for myself, but I will help someone if I can. Speaking out lead to nothing. Speaking out lead to retribution, singling out, and no action. If you have anxiety or any mental illness, you would be misunderstood, wrongly labeled, and treated like shit for it, further heightening said mental illness. If you asked for help or tried to do your job by the book you were a nuisance, you were cast out. People that make strongly unethical shortcuts continued to be employed and were only fired if it positively affected upper management and served their agenda. If you were slower than others you were not respected, even if you actually worked when the others did not all. You could not go home unless the work was done, even if you were one of the few doing it. If you did work, you would be used over and over and the boundaries would continue to diminish further and further. If you did everything you could do to be a good employee and solve problems, you never got acknowledged. The people that did things that weren't part of their job description got recognition, even employee of the month although they actually didn't do anything in their job description. Safety was only a concern for corporate office workers. They had us watch videos about safety and ergonomics yearly, but none of that pertained to the job we did. If we hurt ourselves we were punished and not properly taken care of. Working during COVID-19 they wanted us to be obvious about cleanliness in the eyes of customers, but didn't really care about actual cleanliness nor did they enforce any social distancing or cleaning protocol between employees. The customer was always right regardless of the fact that we were doing our job by the required strict federal regulations. Gossip, while told should not happen, happened on all levels. Despite strict regulations most things were not communicated to all employees, leaving a lot up to word of mouth which was mostly inaccurate. Management was not only incapable of the job, not knowledgeable nor reliable, and also forced to be divided by upper management. Conniving is the the best word used to describe all in upper management. Secrecy rather transparency was the model of operation. If you wanted change, you were the enemy. If you were part of the company for a long time you started to fall under the spell of all things fucked up. No accountability on all levels. Personal time, or I should say, your time off was not respected, you were owned by the company and the job at all times. High turnover rate due to new people being treated badly, even bullied, unless you knew someone in the company. Favoritism existed. People that worked there, myself included, that saw through the shit that refused to aspire to higher positions, were not given promotions for good work, they, along with everyone else was expected to apply. If you did apply, you will get turned down at least once, for most people usually twice or thrice. If you did apply to a different position internally, you not only were turned down, but given no reason as to why. On rare occasions, if you were given a reason and actively worked on it, you still were not given the position but rather an option of position of the same responsibilities with less pay. Upper management spread toxicity from the top, supervisors did not supervise as they learned from those before them which further enhanced the lack of accountability or striving to live up to what the position entailed. Bad behavior was never reprimanded, only attendance which is extremely strict and unrealistic. If you did have a demerit or anything against you, you may have not been communicated about it. If you have complaints against you, you may never hear them, and when you do, you'll hear them all at once as they try to weed you out unethically. If you did not go by the book but it serves upper management, you are not reprimanded. If you did not go by the book but it does not serve upper management you will be reprimanded, but only on a case by case basis due to whoever the fuck you personally pissed off, even if someone else did the same thing but was on good terms with management. If you did move up, you got closer to the source of toxicity, which would envelope you. The sheer amount of toxicity embedded in the department was so deeply embedded that you may be blind to it, and continue to be blind to it as it seeps into your work personality and worst of all your personal life. The general style of communication is seeped in negativity and defensiveness. It is aggressive and abrasive. Traffic/driving laws did not matter unless it actually got captured on a driver cam. We lived on fast food because we traveled at odd hours and didn't have full access to a cafeteria or limited access to a functioning break room/microwave. This personally has raised my blood pressure and other health issues. We ate our meals in cars and spent more money because of it. The physical toll alone is not good for any employees that have health/physical issues or limitations or are older. I had to go out of my way almost everyday to explain that I was hard of hearing to get someone else to do a phone call for me because the environment was too loud for me to hear/understand in. That alone was not only tiring to find someone available and to rely on and sometimes uncomfortable, but hard to express accurately in a short time frame. This was one good thing, the only good thing I will mention about this job in this post, that upper management was, for the most part, respectful about. However, one of the many reasons I declined to move up in the job was because the promotion would require more usage of the phone which I highly doubt the company would give accommodations for and would further ostracize and give me trouble for. Anyone on physical restrictions was shunned in some way, gossiped about, and treated differently. I mentioned gossip and disrespect multiple times, and it is important to note that while it should not matter too much what people think about you, but that's exactly it. They can think whatever they want, but in this work environment, it went beyond that. People were treated differently and poorly, it affected everyone and carried on that negative note/mood furthering the lack of teamwork. This caused division among people that should have been working together to deal with all the shit. Morale was low to begin with, and all of these things mentioned just brought it down, or it was simply nonexistent most of the time. True leadership is not a skill set you would see. Teamwork is never inspired, created, nor enforced. Only division and conflict were acceptable. Us against them on every level, between coworkers, between supervisors and staff, between management and everyone, between upper management and everyone below, even between employees and customers. Everyday the expectation was negativity and hardship from your own and from outsiders. Customers came at you about things you have no control or authority or voice over. Again our voice meant nothing, and we were the people to be in the field with the customers. If they had a problem, it was always with something we have no control over and if we were to voice it, it would immediately be shut down. Most customers did not respect the process nor cared for the safety of the blood supply, they just wanted to do a good deed even if it turned out to do more harm than good. It was to the point if we had bad complaints we would tell customers to complain to the company or the FDA because their voice meant immensely more than ours. Departments were separated, thus it was again, us against them. Different software systems, meant that if we changed something per the customers complaint, it would not reach the appropriate department, therefore nothing would be changed and we would still bare the brunt of the complaints and aggression. Recruitment department did everything they could to slam us with work only for the sake of numbers, but never cared about the rules in place to protect us, never cared about the workload they put upon us. It was a snowball effect causing more and more problems. If something went wrong they could easily blame us, furthering the incoming hostility and ill treatment. Also furthering the need to protect ourselves, that we are one against the world, that we have to survive on our own. Survival, that's what this job was. Constant striving for survival for the price of everything that I have lost.
This list, sadly and realistically, goes on. And this is just trying to remember, after being gone for just a month. If I were truly to go back into my shoes, which I do not want to do....maybe I need to, I do not know, the list would double or triple in size. This list was a purge of sorts and went in a direction I did not expect. While not all of these things happened to me specifically, they happened. No workplace should have this many fucked up things happening. I've seen a shift in everyone that I've ever worked with there. My cousin started there before me, while he stays away from most of the drama, all the technical, unethical, and fucked up stuff still exists and affects him. He is affected differently than I am, understandably, but he's worn out, he knows it's bad, but he also gets paid more and has a family to provide for. The main two things that seems to keep people there is the pay and the job itself, doing a good thing. It is hard to find a similar job that pays as much. Granted I worked 3 jobs while I was there, it pays decent but it was not enough for me. I've seen my coworker who I started with completely transform into a new person. She got sucked into the job, never said no, and is constantly taken advantage of, and now her work ethic and personality have basically turned to shit. Not to say that outside forces have not influenced her because it does. This job is incredibly difficult especially when bad/overwhelming things, like what I described for me earlier, are happening in your personal life. When life is hard and you have to come into a toxic work environment it feels like there's no end, there's no solution, no hope. I speak from experience for sure. This particular person has also treated me badly, along with a few others, because of a combination of life and this job. Almost as if it strips you of the tools to appropriately and acceptably deal with circumstances and not be an asshole/cunt. I've seen and helped new people adjust to this job, often they were in tears. It was such a struggle to know that the company is shit yet the work at the core of it was good. I felt like I basically had to teach people how to survive in this toxic workplace and to not let it affect them, even though it affected me every day. I had to welcome them and let them learn on their own what the environment truly was, and then maybe give them skills to cope. But really, how far does that go? How successful is it? How ethical is it? It felt not only misleading, but completely disheartening.
I left the job with 2 specific friendships that were very close at some point to not wanting anything to do with them. What happened with those friendships are haunting me now. They haunt me because now that I'm gone, they don't talk to me, it shows true colors. True colors that our friendships meant nothing at work and definitely not outside of work. With one, she let her own insecurities and the fucked up tools the job has embedded in her to treat me horrible. I understand it was also her true colors I saw too, not just the effect of the job. I did the work to repair it, I spoke up for myself, knowing that I could never trust her again. The other friendship has been withering away for some time, despite my efforts to create grounds for truth and giving space for her to process whatever she was going through. With both, before I left I realized they were problematic and that I was being treated quite poorly and did not need to have that in my life. My resignation happened right at the time. I've decided I'm done, I don't need or deserve to be treated this way. But I can't stop thinking about it, and that frustrates and hurts me. I have to learn to let go.
All of this purge has a purpose. The skin I have said has not molted. The skin that I built, shaped, and conformed around me in my last job, is affecting me in my new job. I feel like I'm coming at people hard. Some of it is in my own mind because I've learned this huge amount of defensiveness and need to protect and cover my ass regardless of circumstances. I already am an intense person but I usually start a new job as a watered down version of myself and feel the waters before I show any of my personality. While I feel like I'm not myself, at least not my fun self, I'm still not myself in the bad ways too. My communication style is intense and seemingly inappropriate or harsh. It's hard to tell exactly how I'm coming off because I keep feeling like I'm being a dick or being harsh even if I am not. I have formed a habit that I have to speak out and take a stand strongly since I believe I have no power in my words. I need to learn to calm myself, to slow down, to speak less intensely, to think before I speak. To have patience and to work with what I've got. To slow down to find the correct words to properly express myself without being harsh or hurting others. I think that I am being hurtful because of what I have learned, yet that might not be true at all, it could be in my head with this skin I have yet to shed. I have to let it go and start anew. I have to lead with gratitude and not believe that everyone is out to get me. I need to remember that people are truly there to help not to destroy me. I know that not every job is perfect, I have to correct my expectations and work with what I am given. I take my work, all of it, very seriously. It shows, but not in the ways I would like. I have to actively work on all this. I need to stop creating enemies where there are none. I also need to talk about it. I have a bad habit of not sharing what I am going through. Talking things through gives me clarity. I have to speak up with my loved ones about what I am going through especially work stuff. I need to write more to work through things on my own as well.
6.29.2019
What Would Keanu Do?
Have I told you about my obsession with Keanu Reeves?
It is a different kind of obsession, it's nothing like the other obsessions I have. It is simple and instantly heartwarming.
Typically when I obsess, an intense word, I know, but I like it, I learn everything there is to know about something or someone without watching videos or interviews. I have very large chunk of what may be considered trivial information in my head, but information that I like to have nonetheless. I can't stop watching certain movies, or certain people, and I like to keep up on lives and information that piles up in my brain. For Keanu, I actually have read and watched interviews, but that's only recently. I made a list of all his films and I've been marking off the ones I've watched which is over 30 now. I have been watching and rewatching his films since I saw John Wick Chapter 3 in theaters. It has been a very calming and fun thing for me. I meant to make a big post about him after I saw the film but life got in the way, so now I'm doing it and Keanu has blown up the Internet since then. I've been looking at all the old and new memes about him, I have read an article a day about him. I like to call it a respectful obsession, whatever that may mean to you, but I will get to it later.
John Wick Chapter 3 is the first movie I've seen in theater in quite some time, after a few weeks I went and saw it again. Rewatched the others in the series as well. There is something so exciting about the John Wick series, and so original compared to many action films, especially when you learn more about the preparation and the art of everything they do. I could list all the articles I've read in regards but I won't go that far. The thing that blew me away was the director, I had no idea he was the very same stunt double that filled in for Brandon Lee when he died in the process of filming my favorite film The Crow. That particular article had me in tears as the director spoke of his time working on The Crow, his time with Brandon Lee, his experience filling his shoes in the wake of his death. The pain that was on that set as well as the pain that brought the John Wick character and Keanu alike. It becomes another, yet incredible, story of love, loss, and revenge, my favorite kind of story. The Fountain is another one of my favorite films that also shares that theme of love and death. Realizing all the ties just got me right in my heart.
Let's start at the beginning, when I was young I saw Speed and it was one of my favorite films at the time. I remember loving Sandra Bullock as an actress, I have vivid memories of thinking of her, her character and the movie Speed while swimming in my pool. I loved how badass they were, surviving all that. That is my earliest memory of knowing the names of the people in the movie and being one of my favorite actor and actress. The earliest film I remember loving was The Labyrinth, but I didn't know who anyone was, I mention this a bit in a previous post about David Bowie. With Speed I also remember being really creeped out by Dennis Hopper, his character was just so creepy and demented and intelligent and yet real. I read something today that Keanu said a little about his experience with Dennis and that he was a very open man with a good sense of humor and a great outlook on life and that Keanu was grateful to be in his life. How fucking sweet is that to say. To this day, I still think about the movie Speed. Almost everyday I ride in a bus for work, a bloodmobile, and I always feel like I'm in the movie and it cracks me up. I recently rewatched Speed for the first time in many many years and I am left with the thought that this movie is still so fucking good. So good that I would easily watch it again anytime. It's intense and it is done so well. I already know what is going to happen, yet I'm still at the edge of my damned seat. That concludes my first known experience with loving Keanu.
In high school The Matrix become a huge fucking sensation and I didn't want anything to do with it. I was young and stubborn. I might of disliked Keanu around that time, I had a short phase that a lot of people have where I thought he was a bad actor. I had a boyfriend at the time that was really into The Matrix and we made a deal right before the third one was released, I would watch the series if he would watch one of my favorite movies at the time which was The Queen of the Damned. About that, I know it is not the best film, but I loved everything about it and still do. I watched the first two of the Matrix series and then saw the third in theaters, a midnight showing on a school night. I fell asleep in the theater, and that was the only time that has ever happened to me. So needless to say The Matrix didn't mean much to me at the time. I have recently watched the first one and I think it is great and the concept behind it, the action in it, is something I appreciate deeply now. I plan to watch the others again this summer.
Later in high school Constantine came out. The biggest draw that movie had for me was that A Perfect Circle had a song on the soundtrack and the singer of Bush, Gavin Rossdale, had a role in it. But in watching for those reasons I loved Keanu again. I can't exactly say how many times I've watched that movie but I love it and wish they would make more. The darkness of Constantine then drew me in, drew me into Keanu again.
I'm not certain the time frame of this one, it came out before I was in high school but I'm not entirely sure when I first saw it, but it was either before or after Constantine. Sweet November is a another big one. I only was first interested in the film because of the name. I was born in November, therefore it is a significant month for me. I personally think that Charlize is a great actress too. Every damn time I watch this movie it makes me cry, Charlize is the driver of that for me, but Keanu plays a very interesting role as well. This is probably the first love story that I have watched with Keanu and it showed him in a different way for me. I didn't fully love his acting in this, but I'm sure that will change when I rewatch it. At the same time, it did not, in any way, put me off him. It was just different. This is another love and death film, one that I will watch every few years until the end of time. Despite knowing how it ends, it is a journey every time I watch it. It has a stronger effect on me than I'm able to write about now, perhaps I should add more about this later.
Some time after I watched Something's Gotta Give and became instantly more obsessed with Keanu again. His character, Julien, is everything that I could possibly want in my life. I loved the story and watched that movie countless times. I then started watching more and more of his movies. Generation Um..., Knock Knock, Destination Wedding, Neon Demon, and so on. Surprisingly I don't feel I've ever seen Bill and Ted, it is very likely I did, I just can't remember for sure. A close cousin of mine liked those films and from him I learned that small part of one of those films was set at my high school. Sometime soon I'll get to those, definitely before they release the third one. But back to Keanu in Something's Gotta Give, that's when I really noticed his eyes. The way he looked at his love interest, played by Diane Keaton, made me melt inside. It was the first time I looked at him in a completely different light, it always gives me feelings, if you know what I mean. I always wished he had a bigger role in the film. I really would like to see an alternate version where he stays with his love interests rather than her going off with Jack Nicholson's character. I recently read an article that describes Keanu's work in this film and it perfectly describes everything that I was feeling but put it in better words than I could of possibly realized, you can read it here. Oddly enough, this article validated everything I was thinking. It blew my mind that others saw it too. The idea that he satisfies the female gaze. That concept, is something I think about often, without actually realizing the name of the concept itself. As a female, I, to put plainly, get off on how men look at women and I don't mean in a chauvinistic way, but in a way of tenderness, love, affection, attraction, and pure adoration and respect. When I watch a movie or watch couples around me, or the man that is into me or involved with me, I always watch their eyes. It gives you a high. It feels astounding. And he does it really fucking well. The article also got into the commonly held concept that he is a bad actor, but spins that around to actually prove that he is the exact opposite. All of it makes so much more sense to me, it was a really great read.
Knock Knock is definitely one of my other favorites, directed by Eli Roth, staring Roth's then wife as one of the two girls that seduces Keanu's character, a happily married man with kids. For me, cheating is a gross immoral act, a red flag, a hard pass, a deal breaker for me, but because of that I've always been strongly intrigued by it and why people do it. Not only do I recognize the sexual appeal and excitement of it, but deeper, farther in, I'm most intrigued by the human nature of it, the concept of monogamy and polygamy and whether they are natural or unnatural. Due to this fascination I happen to watch a literal shit ton of movies that revolve around this theme. The reality that there are so many movies about this also astonishes and at the same time does not surprise me. The mind can be a safe place. Anyhow, this film is sexy, intensely captivating, and then just straight up fucked up. I've watched, and watched, and watched it because simply I love how Keanu plays this role. Every fucking move he makes, every awkward move of his head, where he allows his eyes to linger and where he chooses to avert his eyes. There is a long build up, and that in itself is very exciting. If someone thinks he is a bad actor still, they need to watch this. Based on my memory, Generation Um... has some similarity to this film, but it's been a long while since I've watched it.
The first time I watched John Wick, may have been at a friend's house, after a night of drinking. I was planning on going home, but I couldn't stop watching it. From then on, I was doomed. I watched it again when I got home and then the second. I don't recall seeing either in theaters, which I regret now. As I've said and said again, the theme of love and death has a very strong gravitational pull for me. I can't resist it, no matter how fucking depressed it might make me feel. Love and death are probably the purest obsessions I have. I don't mean pure as in the concepts are pure, but the obsession is completely innate, from the start of my life. Purely within me. And unfortunately beyond a concept for Keanu, for him it's a reality. Until recently I actually knew very little about Keanu, which honestly is rare, because I do have endless pop culture knowledge. I never sought it before, which is why I call this obsession a respectful one, it's not that I know everything about him, I don't, it is an obsession because I want to completely fill up my time with thoughts of him, references, articles, memes, videos, pictures, quotes, movies all because it makes me happy. It has a strange effect of bringing light to my day, my life. In my own head, I've been referring my life in the past few years, particularly lately as a punching bag. My life, is a goddamn punching bag. Bad and good things happen, as per usual, but I got fucking Rocky punching this, I have no time to bounce back unless he takes a break. I'm making a joke, one that I'm not even sure makes sense because I have never watched Rocky, but for fuck's sake, life has me down and I keep trying to get up. I am able to stand but only for so long until the next worst thing hits me. Considering all of the metaphors and the realities of my existence, I feel like I'm doing pretty okay. Pretty okay is as much as I will say. However, this is a tangent that was best saved for last as I still have more to say on the topic of Keanu. So move on, I must.
John fucking Wick, is an entity, a story of love, loss, revenge, and everything that is badass and not just another action film. It is different. It is a feeling, something harder for me to put to words, but a feeling that you get from a movie as intense as this, means it's a good fucking movie. I read something recently where Keanu describes the film being directed by a stunt man who has so much experience on the other side of the camera, brings something entirely different from behind the camera. These are my words of course, I'm paraphrasing, but it is a good point. There is an art to these films, and if you really look, you can see it in every frame. An art to and of the action. And it gets your heart pumping. Keanu is perfect for this role and I wouldn't want to see it any other way. The thing that delights me is that Keanu says he will keep doing these films if we keep watching them. And you bet your ass we will. I love this series so much that I actually have to stop talking about it because it will take me all night.
After Chapter 3 came out, I was awaiting the Netflix release of Always Be My Maybe, staring and directed by Ali Wong, who I think is so hilarious in so many ways, the things she says, the way she says it, her facial expressions, the way she moves her body, she is so animated and even vulgar, a great combination. I had watched her stand up on Netflix and got sucked in pretty quickly, so when my best friend mentioned the movie I was excited. The trailer itself I had to watch multiple times because of Keanu's appearance. Holy shit, the trailer is dirty, but the film itself shows him as exaggerated version of himself minus the dirtiness in the trailer. He missed her soul, oh man, I watched the scenes with him three times in a weekend. It was so hilarious and even more great that he agree to do it. The more I learned about the making and casting of the film the more I had respect for him and the rest of the cast. They wanted Asian Americans to be represented and since casting Keanu for that, what followed was very interesting. People began to see him in that light, even I did. As I said before I never really knew much about him. I always thought he was Lebanese but a transplant to Canada/America. What I didn't know until recently was that he was a Virgo (I knew but then forgot), with Chinese and Hawaiian descent, amongst others including Portuguese. I didn't know that he considers himself Canadian, at least according to Wikipedia. I didn't know that he rides motorcycles and lost some teeth because of it, he also has his own custom motorcycle production company. What I did know before was that he was left handed, generous, kind, and had been dealt a difficult hand in regards to love and death.
I have a weakness for Virgos. I love left handed people, especially when discovered in the public eye, because they always seem to have something that divides them from the rest. I could go on about these things and about motorcycles, but I'm getting into fangirl territory and that's not what this is about. I'm sharing really, what I think is an incredible human being and why it makes me happy. What provoked this post on this particular day was that I spent my morning reading a very long Reddit post that occurred 5 years ago where Reddit members could ask Keanu anything. He responded to over a dozen questions and every single response was so genuine, there was a tone that was different from typical responses you read or listen to in interviews with celebrities. The realness is what made me enjoy it so much. The fact that he didn't always respond to every aspect of a question even reminded me of texts with friends, it was real, there was no frills, no bullshit. What I loved most was that he confirmed that he is the type of celebrity that doesn't mind if people say hi to him, he appreciates what they do it for. He isn't an asshole and genuinely seems to understand the intentions of people and takes that at face value. Plain and simple, he cares about people. There was one other really intense moment on the forum that I was unaware of, but one person took the time to notify Keanu that there is another Reddit forum made years prior called Thank You Keanu project with 627 messages of people thanking him for the differences he made in their life. Consider this post an addition, it may not be full of all the details but it definitely touches of the main parts. (Yes, there's even more to this!)
Since Always Be My Maybe came out, another line of memes were created, and it made me so happy, one of them is called Keanu Walking to Music. Someone took the slow motion scene from the movie that plays one of my favorite bands. Awolnation's "Sail" originally plays in his entrance scene (which got me so damn excited) and the Twitter meme changes the songs based on requests and no matter what song is added, it still fits the scene. It is instantly bound to make you smile or laugh. Seriously, it is only 20 seconds of music and Keanu walking, how pure is that? This type of positivity on the Internet is so rare with the exception of animal videos. To show a human doing something and not mocking or turning it into some political shitshow, it is so refreshing, simply lighthearted and fun. Not only that, Keanu seems to enjoy the memes and positive attention and finds humor in them as well. The world is so harsh and profoundly depressing, that this is the light that myself and others have been seeking as simple as it is. I deleted my Twitter account not too long ago and this, and only this, has made me reconsider joining again just so I can request a song. The movie itself is wonderful as well.
To attempt to conclude this comma infested story of my obsession, since the Internet has dubbed Keanu its "boyfriend," friends of mine have been periodically sending me memes to that keep my days uplifted. Whatever this is, it's working. The Reddit story I read this morning was an ultimate highlight, time and time again people refer to Keanu as down to earth, grounded and his response is always simply honest. "Gravity," he said in a recent video, is what keeps him down to earth as he gives a chuckle. Really, the response I read in the article today is a reminder to the true message that I've gained from all this Keanu craze:
We walk on it every day...
I have been in dark moments, days, weeks, months, years of depression, anger, shitty days, what have you, and lately I catch myself and sometimes I think to myself, "What would Keanu do?" and it helps me be the better person that I know is in there, under all the trauma, emotional turmoil, the day to day grind. And it helps and serves as inspiration. For that, thank you Keanu.
In case you haven't been following the singling out of Keanu recently, you may not know but there is a petition, a petition! To make Keanu Time's People of the Year and you bet your ass I signed it. Not right away, but after some thought I had to. I'm pretty sure I'll be back here for more. I have more movies to watch and rewatch and so much I did not touch on. So to be continued for awhile.
It is a different kind of obsession, it's nothing like the other obsessions I have. It is simple and instantly heartwarming.
Typically when I obsess, an intense word, I know, but I like it, I learn everything there is to know about something or someone without watching videos or interviews. I have very large chunk of what may be considered trivial information in my head, but information that I like to have nonetheless. I can't stop watching certain movies, or certain people, and I like to keep up on lives and information that piles up in my brain. For Keanu, I actually have read and watched interviews, but that's only recently. I made a list of all his films and I've been marking off the ones I've watched which is over 30 now. I have been watching and rewatching his films since I saw John Wick Chapter 3 in theaters. It has been a very calming and fun thing for me. I meant to make a big post about him after I saw the film but life got in the way, so now I'm doing it and Keanu has blown up the Internet since then. I've been looking at all the old and new memes about him, I have read an article a day about him. I like to call it a respectful obsession, whatever that may mean to you, but I will get to it later.
John Wick Chapter 3 is the first movie I've seen in theater in quite some time, after a few weeks I went and saw it again. Rewatched the others in the series as well. There is something so exciting about the John Wick series, and so original compared to many action films, especially when you learn more about the preparation and the art of everything they do. I could list all the articles I've read in regards but I won't go that far. The thing that blew me away was the director, I had no idea he was the very same stunt double that filled in for Brandon Lee when he died in the process of filming my favorite film The Crow. That particular article had me in tears as the director spoke of his time working on The Crow, his time with Brandon Lee, his experience filling his shoes in the wake of his death. The pain that was on that set as well as the pain that brought the John Wick character and Keanu alike. It becomes another, yet incredible, story of love, loss, and revenge, my favorite kind of story. The Fountain is another one of my favorite films that also shares that theme of love and death. Realizing all the ties just got me right in my heart.
Let's start at the beginning, when I was young I saw Speed and it was one of my favorite films at the time. I remember loving Sandra Bullock as an actress, I have vivid memories of thinking of her, her character and the movie Speed while swimming in my pool. I loved how badass they were, surviving all that. That is my earliest memory of knowing the names of the people in the movie and being one of my favorite actor and actress. The earliest film I remember loving was The Labyrinth, but I didn't know who anyone was, I mention this a bit in a previous post about David Bowie. With Speed I also remember being really creeped out by Dennis Hopper, his character was just so creepy and demented and intelligent and yet real. I read something today that Keanu said a little about his experience with Dennis and that he was a very open man with a good sense of humor and a great outlook on life and that Keanu was grateful to be in his life. How fucking sweet is that to say. To this day, I still think about the movie Speed. Almost everyday I ride in a bus for work, a bloodmobile, and I always feel like I'm in the movie and it cracks me up. I recently rewatched Speed for the first time in many many years and I am left with the thought that this movie is still so fucking good. So good that I would easily watch it again anytime. It's intense and it is done so well. I already know what is going to happen, yet I'm still at the edge of my damned seat. That concludes my first known experience with loving Keanu.
In high school The Matrix become a huge fucking sensation and I didn't want anything to do with it. I was young and stubborn. I might of disliked Keanu around that time, I had a short phase that a lot of people have where I thought he was a bad actor. I had a boyfriend at the time that was really into The Matrix and we made a deal right before the third one was released, I would watch the series if he would watch one of my favorite movies at the time which was The Queen of the Damned. About that, I know it is not the best film, but I loved everything about it and still do. I watched the first two of the Matrix series and then saw the third in theaters, a midnight showing on a school night. I fell asleep in the theater, and that was the only time that has ever happened to me. So needless to say The Matrix didn't mean much to me at the time. I have recently watched the first one and I think it is great and the concept behind it, the action in it, is something I appreciate deeply now. I plan to watch the others again this summer.
Later in high school Constantine came out. The biggest draw that movie had for me was that A Perfect Circle had a song on the soundtrack and the singer of Bush, Gavin Rossdale, had a role in it. But in watching for those reasons I loved Keanu again. I can't exactly say how many times I've watched that movie but I love it and wish they would make more. The darkness of Constantine then drew me in, drew me into Keanu again.
I'm not certain the time frame of this one, it came out before I was in high school but I'm not entirely sure when I first saw it, but it was either before or after Constantine. Sweet November is a another big one. I only was first interested in the film because of the name. I was born in November, therefore it is a significant month for me. I personally think that Charlize is a great actress too. Every damn time I watch this movie it makes me cry, Charlize is the driver of that for me, but Keanu plays a very interesting role as well. This is probably the first love story that I have watched with Keanu and it showed him in a different way for me. I didn't fully love his acting in this, but I'm sure that will change when I rewatch it. At the same time, it did not, in any way, put me off him. It was just different. This is another love and death film, one that I will watch every few years until the end of time. Despite knowing how it ends, it is a journey every time I watch it. It has a stronger effect on me than I'm able to write about now, perhaps I should add more about this later.
Some time after I watched Something's Gotta Give and became instantly more obsessed with Keanu again. His character, Julien, is everything that I could possibly want in my life. I loved the story and watched that movie countless times. I then started watching more and more of his movies. Generation Um..., Knock Knock, Destination Wedding, Neon Demon, and so on. Surprisingly I don't feel I've ever seen Bill and Ted, it is very likely I did, I just can't remember for sure. A close cousin of mine liked those films and from him I learned that small part of one of those films was set at my high school. Sometime soon I'll get to those, definitely before they release the third one. But back to Keanu in Something's Gotta Give, that's when I really noticed his eyes. The way he looked at his love interest, played by Diane Keaton, made me melt inside. It was the first time I looked at him in a completely different light, it always gives me feelings, if you know what I mean. I always wished he had a bigger role in the film. I really would like to see an alternate version where he stays with his love interests rather than her going off with Jack Nicholson's character. I recently read an article that describes Keanu's work in this film and it perfectly describes everything that I was feeling but put it in better words than I could of possibly realized, you can read it here. Oddly enough, this article validated everything I was thinking. It blew my mind that others saw it too. The idea that he satisfies the female gaze. That concept, is something I think about often, without actually realizing the name of the concept itself. As a female, I, to put plainly, get off on how men look at women and I don't mean in a chauvinistic way, but in a way of tenderness, love, affection, attraction, and pure adoration and respect. When I watch a movie or watch couples around me, or the man that is into me or involved with me, I always watch their eyes. It gives you a high. It feels astounding. And he does it really fucking well. The article also got into the commonly held concept that he is a bad actor, but spins that around to actually prove that he is the exact opposite. All of it makes so much more sense to me, it was a really great read.
Knock Knock is definitely one of my other favorites, directed by Eli Roth, staring Roth's then wife as one of the two girls that seduces Keanu's character, a happily married man with kids. For me, cheating is a gross immoral act, a red flag, a hard pass, a deal breaker for me, but because of that I've always been strongly intrigued by it and why people do it. Not only do I recognize the sexual appeal and excitement of it, but deeper, farther in, I'm most intrigued by the human nature of it, the concept of monogamy and polygamy and whether they are natural or unnatural. Due to this fascination I happen to watch a literal shit ton of movies that revolve around this theme. The reality that there are so many movies about this also astonishes and at the same time does not surprise me. The mind can be a safe place. Anyhow, this film is sexy, intensely captivating, and then just straight up fucked up. I've watched, and watched, and watched it because simply I love how Keanu plays this role. Every fucking move he makes, every awkward move of his head, where he allows his eyes to linger and where he chooses to avert his eyes. There is a long build up, and that in itself is very exciting. If someone thinks he is a bad actor still, they need to watch this. Based on my memory, Generation Um... has some similarity to this film, but it's been a long while since I've watched it.
The first time I watched John Wick, may have been at a friend's house, after a night of drinking. I was planning on going home, but I couldn't stop watching it. From then on, I was doomed. I watched it again when I got home and then the second. I don't recall seeing either in theaters, which I regret now. As I've said and said again, the theme of love and death has a very strong gravitational pull for me. I can't resist it, no matter how fucking depressed it might make me feel. Love and death are probably the purest obsessions I have. I don't mean pure as in the concepts are pure, but the obsession is completely innate, from the start of my life. Purely within me. And unfortunately beyond a concept for Keanu, for him it's a reality. Until recently I actually knew very little about Keanu, which honestly is rare, because I do have endless pop culture knowledge. I never sought it before, which is why I call this obsession a respectful one, it's not that I know everything about him, I don't, it is an obsession because I want to completely fill up my time with thoughts of him, references, articles, memes, videos, pictures, quotes, movies all because it makes me happy. It has a strange effect of bringing light to my day, my life. In my own head, I've been referring my life in the past few years, particularly lately as a punching bag. My life, is a goddamn punching bag. Bad and good things happen, as per usual, but I got fucking Rocky punching this, I have no time to bounce back unless he takes a break. I'm making a joke, one that I'm not even sure makes sense because I have never watched Rocky, but for fuck's sake, life has me down and I keep trying to get up. I am able to stand but only for so long until the next worst thing hits me. Considering all of the metaphors and the realities of my existence, I feel like I'm doing pretty okay. Pretty okay is as much as I will say. However, this is a tangent that was best saved for last as I still have more to say on the topic of Keanu. So move on, I must.
John fucking Wick, is an entity, a story of love, loss, revenge, and everything that is badass and not just another action film. It is different. It is a feeling, something harder for me to put to words, but a feeling that you get from a movie as intense as this, means it's a good fucking movie. I read something recently where Keanu describes the film being directed by a stunt man who has so much experience on the other side of the camera, brings something entirely different from behind the camera. These are my words of course, I'm paraphrasing, but it is a good point. There is an art to these films, and if you really look, you can see it in every frame. An art to and of the action. And it gets your heart pumping. Keanu is perfect for this role and I wouldn't want to see it any other way. The thing that delights me is that Keanu says he will keep doing these films if we keep watching them. And you bet your ass we will. I love this series so much that I actually have to stop talking about it because it will take me all night.
After Chapter 3 came out, I was awaiting the Netflix release of Always Be My Maybe, staring and directed by Ali Wong, who I think is so hilarious in so many ways, the things she says, the way she says it, her facial expressions, the way she moves her body, she is so animated and even vulgar, a great combination. I had watched her stand up on Netflix and got sucked in pretty quickly, so when my best friend mentioned the movie I was excited. The trailer itself I had to watch multiple times because of Keanu's appearance. Holy shit, the trailer is dirty, but the film itself shows him as exaggerated version of himself minus the dirtiness in the trailer. He missed her soul, oh man, I watched the scenes with him three times in a weekend. It was so hilarious and even more great that he agree to do it. The more I learned about the making and casting of the film the more I had respect for him and the rest of the cast. They wanted Asian Americans to be represented and since casting Keanu for that, what followed was very interesting. People began to see him in that light, even I did. As I said before I never really knew much about him. I always thought he was Lebanese but a transplant to Canada/America. What I didn't know until recently was that he was a Virgo (I knew but then forgot), with Chinese and Hawaiian descent, amongst others including Portuguese. I didn't know that he considers himself Canadian, at least according to Wikipedia. I didn't know that he rides motorcycles and lost some teeth because of it, he also has his own custom motorcycle production company. What I did know before was that he was left handed, generous, kind, and had been dealt a difficult hand in regards to love and death.
I have a weakness for Virgos. I love left handed people, especially when discovered in the public eye, because they always seem to have something that divides them from the rest. I could go on about these things and about motorcycles, but I'm getting into fangirl territory and that's not what this is about. I'm sharing really, what I think is an incredible human being and why it makes me happy. What provoked this post on this particular day was that I spent my morning reading a very long Reddit post that occurred 5 years ago where Reddit members could ask Keanu anything. He responded to over a dozen questions and every single response was so genuine, there was a tone that was different from typical responses you read or listen to in interviews with celebrities. The realness is what made me enjoy it so much. The fact that he didn't always respond to every aspect of a question even reminded me of texts with friends, it was real, there was no frills, no bullshit. What I loved most was that he confirmed that he is the type of celebrity that doesn't mind if people say hi to him, he appreciates what they do it for. He isn't an asshole and genuinely seems to understand the intentions of people and takes that at face value. Plain and simple, he cares about people. There was one other really intense moment on the forum that I was unaware of, but one person took the time to notify Keanu that there is another Reddit forum made years prior called Thank You Keanu project with 627 messages of people thanking him for the differences he made in their life. Consider this post an addition, it may not be full of all the details but it definitely touches of the main parts. (Yes, there's even more to this!)
Since Always Be My Maybe came out, another line of memes were created, and it made me so happy, one of them is called Keanu Walking to Music. Someone took the slow motion scene from the movie that plays one of my favorite bands. Awolnation's "Sail" originally plays in his entrance scene (which got me so damn excited) and the Twitter meme changes the songs based on requests and no matter what song is added, it still fits the scene. It is instantly bound to make you smile or laugh. Seriously, it is only 20 seconds of music and Keanu walking, how pure is that? This type of positivity on the Internet is so rare with the exception of animal videos. To show a human doing something and not mocking or turning it into some political shitshow, it is so refreshing, simply lighthearted and fun. Not only that, Keanu seems to enjoy the memes and positive attention and finds humor in them as well. The world is so harsh and profoundly depressing, that this is the light that myself and others have been seeking as simple as it is. I deleted my Twitter account not too long ago and this, and only this, has made me reconsider joining again just so I can request a song. The movie itself is wonderful as well.
To attempt to conclude this comma infested story of my obsession, since the Internet has dubbed Keanu its "boyfriend," friends of mine have been periodically sending me memes to that keep my days uplifted. Whatever this is, it's working. The Reddit story I read this morning was an ultimate highlight, time and time again people refer to Keanu as down to earth, grounded and his response is always simply honest. "Gravity," he said in a recent video, is what keeps him down to earth as he gives a chuckle. Really, the response I read in the article today is a reminder to the true message that I've gained from all this Keanu craze:
We walk on it every day...
I have been in dark moments, days, weeks, months, years of depression, anger, shitty days, what have you, and lately I catch myself and sometimes I think to myself, "What would Keanu do?" and it helps me be the better person that I know is in there, under all the trauma, emotional turmoil, the day to day grind. And it helps and serves as inspiration. For that, thank you Keanu.
In case you haven't been following the singling out of Keanu recently, you may not know but there is a petition, a petition! To make Keanu Time's People of the Year and you bet your ass I signed it. Not right away, but after some thought I had to. I'm pretty sure I'll be back here for more. I have more movies to watch and rewatch and so much I did not touch on. So to be continued for awhile.
5.26.2019
Dear BG
I have a handful of regrets but only a couple astronomical ones that I feel a strong need to amend. You are one of those biggest regrets. A regret I think about almost daily. I drive by your house on a regular basis and the pain always hits me, over and over and over. So much I wish I had handled that situation better. I realized it then and I continue to see it now, over and over for the past eight and a half years.
I'm not doing this for a returned love, not for forgiveness, not to uproot your life, not to regain friendship, not for any purpose other than to show recognition that I've slowly evolved to see. You may have made your peace, but a deep worrying part of me feels you have not. Maybe that's what continues to hurts me so much.
You were the best thing that probably ever happened to me.
You showed me a love that I had never experienced. You were the highlight of my life. You loved me in a way that I've always wanted and dreamed of. You are the monument of comparison and all my friends adored you.
This was true then and it is true now. I know that to an extent it is unrealistic, in and after time, things become fantastical. But the reality is that you were my healthiest relationship. You let me be me, something I never did before and have not done since. The way your eyes saw me is how I see myself through imaginary lovers, it was amazing. It was, through the good and the bad, the biggest learning curve I have ever experienced in romantic relationships.
After you I went back to my old habits. Old habits where what I always, deep down, thought I deserved. You, in essence, where the first and only that I took that leap. A leap away from the shit, the addicts, the alcoholics, the people that continued to treat me as I have been treated my whole life. Treated me like I didn't matter, my voice was insignificant, my feelings were never to surface or to be recognized, my body used, my heart abused.
I know now, that I never and do not deserve those. Yet, due to my actions with you, I have convinced myself that I never deserved you to begin with. All that is complete and utter bullshit, but my emotional self still believes it. I am finally working on this. I also, finally, know now that I sabotaged what we had.
While I took this leap, I never regretted it, and I hope you didn't either. I feel we healed each other in some ways. We needed each other in the time we met. You have taught me so much. I have so many parts of myself that have grown because of you. I have so many incredible memories that I carry on and will carry on for the rest of my life. There is so much that I have wanted to share with you, the things that you gave me. I still go to Arcosanti every year, I do the things we did. I go there for peace and clarity. I always think fondly and sometimes sadly of you. Fahrenheit 451 has changed my life, so much that I got it tattooed on me. I reached out to you a few years ago to share this with you but I sensed you did not want to hear from me so I gave you that space. The music, art, inspiration, the faith you had in me, all the conversations, they still reside in my heart. I don't think they will ever leave, for that I thank you, deeply.
I have never had a bad thought of you in my heart and mind. Every time I thought of you I hoped to the galaxy that you got what you wanted most, a family. The one thing I couldn't give you. When I found out that you did get that, I couldn't have been so fucking happy. You deserved all that you could possibly want in this life.
That is where I feel we fucked up. We should of, painfully so, parted ways when we realized this. But we didn't. We went against our instincts and it destroyed nearly anything that we had. That's what I regret. I regret how I distanced myself from you and all the things I did with that. The only sliver of peace I have is that I've learned that lesson hard and hope to never repeat it in my life. I never want to do what I did to you to anyone else.
What makes this harder is that you were there for me for the biggest trauma in my life, after we broke up. You, you were there when my brother overdosed. I am eternally grateful for that. I really don't know where I would be if you weren't there. That trauma has continued to haunt me everyday since, but I still remember crying with you in the gravel of the alley down the street as you listened and held me. Your heart is priceless. Thank you for everything you have given me. I think deep down, I still love you, the incredible person you are and will continue to be. I know that we are not meant to be together, and I have accepted that for a long time. I just don't feel like you deserved anything I did to you in the end, for that I am profoundly sorry.
Some day I hope to stop punishing myself for it and to hold onto the happiness without the pain.
I'm not doing this for a returned love, not for forgiveness, not to uproot your life, not to regain friendship, not for any purpose other than to show recognition that I've slowly evolved to see. You may have made your peace, but a deep worrying part of me feels you have not. Maybe that's what continues to hurts me so much.
You were the best thing that probably ever happened to me.
You showed me a love that I had never experienced. You were the highlight of my life. You loved me in a way that I've always wanted and dreamed of. You are the monument of comparison and all my friends adored you.
This was true then and it is true now. I know that to an extent it is unrealistic, in and after time, things become fantastical. But the reality is that you were my healthiest relationship. You let me be me, something I never did before and have not done since. The way your eyes saw me is how I see myself through imaginary lovers, it was amazing. It was, through the good and the bad, the biggest learning curve I have ever experienced in romantic relationships.
After you I went back to my old habits. Old habits where what I always, deep down, thought I deserved. You, in essence, where the first and only that I took that leap. A leap away from the shit, the addicts, the alcoholics, the people that continued to treat me as I have been treated my whole life. Treated me like I didn't matter, my voice was insignificant, my feelings were never to surface or to be recognized, my body used, my heart abused.
I know now, that I never and do not deserve those. Yet, due to my actions with you, I have convinced myself that I never deserved you to begin with. All that is complete and utter bullshit, but my emotional self still believes it. I am finally working on this. I also, finally, know now that I sabotaged what we had.
While I took this leap, I never regretted it, and I hope you didn't either. I feel we healed each other in some ways. We needed each other in the time we met. You have taught me so much. I have so many parts of myself that have grown because of you. I have so many incredible memories that I carry on and will carry on for the rest of my life. There is so much that I have wanted to share with you, the things that you gave me. I still go to Arcosanti every year, I do the things we did. I go there for peace and clarity. I always think fondly and sometimes sadly of you. Fahrenheit 451 has changed my life, so much that I got it tattooed on me. I reached out to you a few years ago to share this with you but I sensed you did not want to hear from me so I gave you that space. The music, art, inspiration, the faith you had in me, all the conversations, they still reside in my heart. I don't think they will ever leave, for that I thank you, deeply.
I have never had a bad thought of you in my heart and mind. Every time I thought of you I hoped to the galaxy that you got what you wanted most, a family. The one thing I couldn't give you. When I found out that you did get that, I couldn't have been so fucking happy. You deserved all that you could possibly want in this life.
That is where I feel we fucked up. We should of, painfully so, parted ways when we realized this. But we didn't. We went against our instincts and it destroyed nearly anything that we had. That's what I regret. I regret how I distanced myself from you and all the things I did with that. The only sliver of peace I have is that I've learned that lesson hard and hope to never repeat it in my life. I never want to do what I did to you to anyone else.
What makes this harder is that you were there for me for the biggest trauma in my life, after we broke up. You, you were there when my brother overdosed. I am eternally grateful for that. I really don't know where I would be if you weren't there. That trauma has continued to haunt me everyday since, but I still remember crying with you in the gravel of the alley down the street as you listened and held me. Your heart is priceless. Thank you for everything you have given me. I think deep down, I still love you, the incredible person you are and will continue to be. I know that we are not meant to be together, and I have accepted that for a long time. I just don't feel like you deserved anything I did to you in the end, for that I am profoundly sorry.
Some day I hope to stop punishing myself for it and to hold onto the happiness without the pain.
Grant Me the Serenity
Written 11/03/2018: This phrase has the utmost effect on me. It started when my brother started going to Alcoholics Anonymous, perhaps I've even heard it prior since my dad has also been going to meetings for half of my life now. But I went to a few anniversary meetings of my brother's sobriety many years a ago and that is part of the chant they do in every meeting. Now I have been going to Al Anon meetings for almost 2 months and that same chant is spoken at each meeting. Serenity has been the key to all of this for me now. I am nowhere near it, but the word itself is profound for me. Let's get into this shit, I'm long overdue for a purge.
I mentioned earlier this year about being at a point in life where I really needed to get help for the fact that everyone in my nuclear family is an addict/alcoholic. People in my extended family are too, everyone is either sober, in recovery, or has relapsed recently. It's got me completely fucked up and it's taken me so long to notice it. It has been the single hardest thing I have ever had to bring myself to sit down and talk about, write about, think about, and feel. I have never come across anything so difficult as this. Everything about me is falling apart to some extent, my esteem is complete shit, my emotions remain hidden but all over the place, my actions and words are impulsive, my need to control everything is, well, out of control. I'm dealing with depression as well, and everything is so layered and overlapping that it's taken me so long to figure it out. It's been there but now I am acting and feeling like a different person that other's start to notice and now I'm starting to notice. I should of gotten help a long time ago, but I'm extremely grateful that I am getting it now.
I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate these rough waters. I'm also still finding out more and more symptoms that persist as part of my personality as a result of the addicts in my life. I'm discovering that a lot of what I don't like about myself, parts that have always confused me by their presence, are from this. I'm finding out that the person I thought I was, isn't actually entirely me. I found out why I have bad romantic relationships and bad choices in mates, and why I have also been avoiding relationships. I have found out partly why I am so obsessive and controlling. I found out why I don't share anything about my life or my feelings with others. I found out so much and too much.
I have been going to Al Anon meetings to help only me. As that is what they are for, not for helping the alcoholic, that's what AA is for. I'm going to give myself a new perspective on life, to approach things more positively, to not wring myself out over others and leave nothing of and for myself. I'm going to seek serenity.
I am merely at the stage of realizing, recognizing, and continuously discovering the things that have happened, are happening, and have made me who I am and where I am. This may sound familiar as I have always been doing some sort of searching and improving on my life for as long as I have had this blog at least. However, this time it is so deep, so all encompassing, and so overwhelming. I really don't entirely know what to do with it all. I'm lost but on a visible trail. I'm seeing the future, but not how to get there, not yet at least.
"The Culling" by Chelsea Wolfe....read lyrics and meaning
Written 5/26/2019: I left the previous paragraphs stuck on draft for the last 6 months, I have not rewritten anything above, but I will add what my journey is currently.
I have now been going to Al Anon for almost 9 months and I notice the difference every goddamn day. I have said many times to friends and other members that I needed this program since birth, but I am extremely fortunate that I found it at a young age. The first meeting was 9/11/2018, and it was the hardest, I could barely speak and I cried profusely, as I did every day at the time. To remember that time and to compare it to where I am now, I have improved greatly. I don't cry everyday. I have detached compassionately with certain members of my family. I have more calm. I recognize my need to control and try to fade it. I understand the alcoholics and the addicts in my life more than I ever have. I am slowly moving from blaming them to just making the best of my own damned life. I am reminding myself of serenity everyday. I track notes of significant quotes from each meeting and let them aid in my own recovery. I fully recognize my own trauma. I finally noticed the pattern of my romantic relationships, being with current or recovering addicts/alcoholics and intend never to put myself in that pattern again. I now know that I had been working on myself in terms of my relationships with others based on all the practices of Al Anon before I even knew what it was. However now I have the tools to truly move beyond it instead being of stuck in it like I have been the last 7 years. I'm not healed, and I know that. I am better. I know I have a lifetime of work to get through, and again I accept that. I am more open about my struggles and feelings than I have been in the last few years. I recognize my anxiety and my depression. I am more in tuned with myself and try my best each day to deal and to cope. I have opened up to my parents and my brother. I retain the boundaries with my brother despite all the shit that only continues to happen to and with him. The anger is fading but is still not gone. All that seems to be left is depression. Every now and then I have epiphanies and they come so randomly and are so fleeting. I have mended relationships with friends that I have inadvertently destroyed to some extent. I have also removed and distanced myself from other unhealthy relationships. I have also recognized my declining physical health and doing what I can to take care of it. There is still work left to be done on all planes, and I have a plan. I have a wonderful support system in place. I have opened up communication with my mom about our past, it has been hard but it is helping both of us heal. I have cut a family member that has done unspeakable things to multiple people I love. I have spoken up for the things I am passionate about and the things that make me uncomfortable. I am slowly saying no and not having to explain myself.
The last 9 months have been incredibly difficult. So many things beyond my control have happened. While they have affected me so terribly, my coping skills are improving and I'm very proud of myself for that. For that I have to thank Mel Robbins, Al Anon, my close friends, and family. I also have to thank myself. I always forget myself. I need to recognize that I am the one doing the work. I am seeking these people and these tools to better my life. That is something that always separates me and many others from such a large population, the fact that we do recognize the horrible, the shitty, the bad choices, the actions, the regrets, the lessons and move forward. There is still so much to say, but that is all for now.
I mentioned earlier this year about being at a point in life where I really needed to get help for the fact that everyone in my nuclear family is an addict/alcoholic. People in my extended family are too, everyone is either sober, in recovery, or has relapsed recently. It's got me completely fucked up and it's taken me so long to notice it. It has been the single hardest thing I have ever had to bring myself to sit down and talk about, write about, think about, and feel. I have never come across anything so difficult as this. Everything about me is falling apart to some extent, my esteem is complete shit, my emotions remain hidden but all over the place, my actions and words are impulsive, my need to control everything is, well, out of control. I'm dealing with depression as well, and everything is so layered and overlapping that it's taken me so long to figure it out. It's been there but now I am acting and feeling like a different person that other's start to notice and now I'm starting to notice. I should of gotten help a long time ago, but I'm extremely grateful that I am getting it now.
I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate these rough waters. I'm also still finding out more and more symptoms that persist as part of my personality as a result of the addicts in my life. I'm discovering that a lot of what I don't like about myself, parts that have always confused me by their presence, are from this. I'm finding out that the person I thought I was, isn't actually entirely me. I found out why I have bad romantic relationships and bad choices in mates, and why I have also been avoiding relationships. I have found out partly why I am so obsessive and controlling. I found out why I don't share anything about my life or my feelings with others. I found out so much and too much.
I have been going to Al Anon meetings to help only me. As that is what they are for, not for helping the alcoholic, that's what AA is for. I'm going to give myself a new perspective on life, to approach things more positively, to not wring myself out over others and leave nothing of and for myself. I'm going to seek serenity.
I am merely at the stage of realizing, recognizing, and continuously discovering the things that have happened, are happening, and have made me who I am and where I am. This may sound familiar as I have always been doing some sort of searching and improving on my life for as long as I have had this blog at least. However, this time it is so deep, so all encompassing, and so overwhelming. I really don't entirely know what to do with it all. I'm lost but on a visible trail. I'm seeing the future, but not how to get there, not yet at least.
"The Culling" by Chelsea Wolfe....read lyrics and meaning
Written 5/26/2019: I left the previous paragraphs stuck on draft for the last 6 months, I have not rewritten anything above, but I will add what my journey is currently.
I have now been going to Al Anon for almost 9 months and I notice the difference every goddamn day. I have said many times to friends and other members that I needed this program since birth, but I am extremely fortunate that I found it at a young age. The first meeting was 9/11/2018, and it was the hardest, I could barely speak and I cried profusely, as I did every day at the time. To remember that time and to compare it to where I am now, I have improved greatly. I don't cry everyday. I have detached compassionately with certain members of my family. I have more calm. I recognize my need to control and try to fade it. I understand the alcoholics and the addicts in my life more than I ever have. I am slowly moving from blaming them to just making the best of my own damned life. I am reminding myself of serenity everyday. I track notes of significant quotes from each meeting and let them aid in my own recovery. I fully recognize my own trauma. I finally noticed the pattern of my romantic relationships, being with current or recovering addicts/alcoholics and intend never to put myself in that pattern again. I now know that I had been working on myself in terms of my relationships with others based on all the practices of Al Anon before I even knew what it was. However now I have the tools to truly move beyond it instead being of stuck in it like I have been the last 7 years. I'm not healed, and I know that. I am better. I know I have a lifetime of work to get through, and again I accept that. I am more open about my struggles and feelings than I have been in the last few years. I recognize my anxiety and my depression. I am more in tuned with myself and try my best each day to deal and to cope. I have opened up to my parents and my brother. I retain the boundaries with my brother despite all the shit that only continues to happen to and with him. The anger is fading but is still not gone. All that seems to be left is depression. Every now and then I have epiphanies and they come so randomly and are so fleeting. I have mended relationships with friends that I have inadvertently destroyed to some extent. I have also removed and distanced myself from other unhealthy relationships. I have also recognized my declining physical health and doing what I can to take care of it. There is still work left to be done on all planes, and I have a plan. I have a wonderful support system in place. I have opened up communication with my mom about our past, it has been hard but it is helping both of us heal. I have cut a family member that has done unspeakable things to multiple people I love. I have spoken up for the things I am passionate about and the things that make me uncomfortable. I am slowly saying no and not having to explain myself.
The last 9 months have been incredibly difficult. So many things beyond my control have happened. While they have affected me so terribly, my coping skills are improving and I'm very proud of myself for that. For that I have to thank Mel Robbins, Al Anon, my close friends, and family. I also have to thank myself. I always forget myself. I need to recognize that I am the one doing the work. I am seeking these people and these tools to better my life. That is something that always separates me and many others from such a large population, the fact that we do recognize the horrible, the shitty, the bad choices, the actions, the regrets, the lessons and move forward. There is still so much to say, but that is all for now.
11.05.2018
Arcosanti Year 8
Nov 3rd: I'm currently writing this from Arcosanti, during my birthday weekend. I had made a decision to be by myself and work through my shit and get away from everyone on my birthday. Tomorrow I turn 31 and I'm actually decently excited about it. I won't get into all the self work that I have been doing for that is saved for another post I'm simultaneously working on. But I hope this next year will be better and that I can start implementing changes along with the realizations and recognitions I've had.
I just got in last night, a little later than expected. Usually I get really stressed out about the driving itself, it's gotten easier over the years, but it is so much less stressful now. Now that I drive all over the state for work, it's given me more confidence to drive on different terrain and scary roads. What I was stressed about was that I wasn't going to be there as early as I had hoped. I got off work really early yesterday but I still had to pack and prepare everything because procrastination took over during the week. Packing my clothes and creative and electronic mediums was quick, but packing food into a small cooler took way more time than I had liked. I prepared cut vegetables and other snacks this time, usually I just buy a few things and put it all together. Either way, I made it safely and early enough for dinner.
It was in the 60's when I got in, which felt really nice. At first I was really cold, but then after hiking and walking around I no longer needed a jacket and just sported shorts and a shirt. Dinner was wonderful as usual. After I ate, I hiked back down to my room. It was mostly pitch black, with a little bit of light along the trail. I held my flashlight to help me see where my feet where going. I was thinking about all the desert animals and insects that could possibly come upon my path. Snakes and scorpions being the main ones, but I didn't see any. However, as I was walking I was thinking that there could be an individual sitting in the dark and I wouldn't know it. Somehow that scared me more. It's usually super safe here but that thought had never occurred to me in the 8 years that I have been going here. That's just how I tend to freak myself out and with all the creepy ass movies I watch. The more I did think about that, it occurred to me that I would rather it be a creature than a human. Sadly enough, people don't necessarily need to be provoked in order to attack you, whereas most wild animals do.
As mentioned in the past, I have a lot of traditions and routines to do when I am here. So after dinner I like to sit outside my room and stare at the sky and scenery. Since it was dark and NOT cloudy for once, I got to see all the stars. It was so gorgeous. It kind of a rare occurrence because often times when I come here it is cloudy or the moon is incredibly bright and obscures the stars. Due to the amount of stars in view it's harder for me to recognize the usual constellations that I know. Thus, I quickly downloaded one of those apps that lets you hold your phone towards the sky and it tells you what you are looking at. Mars was the brightest, Scorpius, a constellation I recognize anywhere was just below the horizon out of view. Another thing I noticed right away that there were creatures flying low back and forth across the path of the quest rooms, just slightly above the low roof. After trying to stare hardly in the dark and even utilizing my crappy flashlight, I happily discovered they were what I expected, bats! It is amazing how fast they fly, for it was really difficult to be sure it was them. It was like a little show that I thoroughly enjoyed watching.
After sitting outside until I felt my body cooled enough after the hike, I retired to my room and listened to soft music and read more of The Haunting of Hill House, which is already a creepy book, makes being here just a little creepy. It was a fun read. The room only had a couple harmless spiders hanging about and nothing else that I had to catch and remove. It was surprisingly not very cold, almost not cool enough as I kept the window open all throughout the night to let air in through the screen. I was pretty tired and fell sleep early. They made new furniture for the rooms and while they look nice and are more practical, the bed is harder and a bit uncomfortable. I slept okay, tossing and turning a bit, but still dreaming about who knows what. I also noticed that the room is cleaner and has a fresh coat of paint. They have finally done a little updating.
I woke up early, had some food, did some writing and noticed that some ants had found their way into my room. I did not kill them but waited until I got dress and ready to kick them out the door. There's an ant hill just outside my room in the crack between the concrete slabs and there's a few small cracks of space for them to enter my room. I just now got them all out but who knows if they'll think it's worth coming back in to explore.
Nov 5th: I'm back home now, but will write the rest of my trip out. After a little bit, the ants did come back. At first I thought they were coming in through the door jam, but there was a missing piece of concrete or rubber from under a small part of the floor to ceiling length window. But it took me another day to realize that. About 10 ants at the most would be in my room at a time. They were looking for food crumbs, they found a couple but I keep everything clean and all my belongings above ground or in the cabinets. I did not kill a single ant, for I am smart enough to know that would create more problems for me. They mostly left me alone but I had to make sure I didn't step on any. About every 10 minutes or so I would literally kick them out the door, sliding my foot along the ground to shove them out without any harm.
Between reading and writing, I found myself just staring off and watching the ants. I realized a funny thought, when I come here, I don't usually people watch, I bug watch! It has always given me a weird sense of peace, but also control so that I know where everything is and keep myself safe especially from scorpions and spiders. Since it is colder, there's less creatures around. There were only ants, grasshoppers, mosquitoes, and I saw one scorpion on the night of my birthday, which I found appropriate.
I spent all of Saturday, writing and reading in my room. I left the premises once to get ice, a snack, and Q-tips. I also went to the main office to buy a shirt! In all these years I realized I never once bought a shirt there, so I planned to before I even got there. It got into the 70s during the day. and 40-50's at night which oddly didn't feel so cold. I packed pants and jackets but didn't need them. It all felt so good. Prior to dinner I went to my usual sunset watching spot. I always bring some wine, a book, and even my headphones to listen to music. As soon as I sat down, the combination of the view and the song playing, I started to cry. I could not stop, it was a nice release. I tried to wipe all my tears away prior to heading to the cafe for dinner. My eyes were swollen and my nose was red from my allergies. The cafe was a little busier than usual but I took a spot in a dark corner to eat by myself. Food was great still. It's the only meal I eat there and I always get seconds to fill myself up before the next day where I just eat snacks throughout the day.
When walking back to the room, it was even darker than the night prior and a little colder. I sat outside my room to watch the stars and the flying bats. Less stars were visible but it is all beautiful nonetheless. Once back in my room, I listened to music and read some more.
The next morning, Sunday, my birthday, I woke early and decided I would explore before it got warmer. After some reading, eating, and kicking out more ants, I got dressed and took a walk. I walked my usual path, took some photos, and even decided to take a new path, a path I wasn't entirely sure I was allowed to even be on. I saw tracks but no animals this time. When I walked down towards the parking lot, away from my room I was able to get service on my phone and all my texts and calls came in from loved ones wishing me a happy birthday. It was nice. I took a handful of really neat photos throughout my stay.
After exploring, I went to take a shower to cool off. I had finished reading The Haunting of Hill House and wanted to rewatch the one of the movies inspired by the book, the 1999 The Haunting, which I saw in theaters when I was a teen. But the power went out in my room. I figured it was out in the whole block of guest rooms, since the wifi was out as well. I decided to wait some time to see if it would come back on, not knowing if it was just temporarily turned off because they were working on something or what. After close to an hour I decided to walk to the parking lot and call the front office, the line was busy every time I tried. I tried a couple more times. Then I decided to call another number and a guy answered, rudely, he explained something but I couldn't really understand him other than his unhelpful tone, and did not feel comfortable asking him to repeat himself. Thus I decided to drive up to the main office and found out that the power was out in the whole area/town. They had no idea what happened or when it would be back on. It came back on about 4 hours later. During that time I just caught up on another book I've been reading, The Book Thief. I was able to sit outside and read as well. This day was cloudier and a little bit cooler.
Then it was time to go to the sunset spot and hang out until dinner time. On my way there I notice a voicemail and text from my dad wishing me a happy birthday. It always makes me cry when he does this. Part of the reason for this is that many years ago, on my 19th or 20th birthday I was dating a guy and stayed at his house the night before my birthday. I had a really sad nightmare/dream that my dad was dying. It was a short dream, we were walking and having a conversation that alluded to his death in the immediate future. As soon as I woke from this dream I noticed I was crying already, I then looked at my phone and my dad had left a message singing happy birthday to me. It made me cry harder, and has ever since. As I walked to my sunset spot, I noticed another lady walking to the exact spot so I altered my route and sat somewhere different but closer to the direction of the setting sun. This particular sunset was so gorgeous and bright. A nice little birthday gift from nature.
Dinner was subpar, I noticed on Sundays they have a more simplified meal, and probably in part due to the power outage as well. I ate quickly and went back to my room to read more and have some wine. I bought so much wine for this visit and I hardly drank the usual amount. I mostly drank water while I was there and peed a million times. To sum up, my birthday was nice, simple, and beautiful.
This morning I woke even earlier than the last couple of days, and decided I would watch The Haunting while eating and packing up. I always look forward to leaving because I go to my favorite Mexican restaurant as I head back into town. I noticed as I was driving back in the city that unwanted thoughts started to make their way back into my mind. It is so amazing how easily my mind shuts them off when I'm visiting Arcosanti, without even realizing it! Often I don't realize how much I need the trip until I come back home, but this was a different kind of feeling. I knew that even before the trip how badly I needed it, I planned it at least a couple months prior and could hardly contain my patience. I just hope the effects and afterglow stay with me a little longer as I go back to work.
Originally I titled this post "Arcosanti Year 7" but then an old post on my Instagram reminded me that my first visit was in 2010. So 8 years, going strong! I know there was one or two years where I didn't make it, but there were a couple years were I went twice rather than once. In the last several years I have only been going once a year but I hope to make more of an effort to go twice. It's just a little harder because it is definitely more comfortable to go when it is colder, but the upside to going during the warmer months is that the swimming pool is open. We shall see, maybe I'll go next spring. This time around I was wondering that my frequency of visits has made this place really comfortable to me, and that the effects may eventually wane, but I remind myself that despite and in spite of the comforts, I still get something from my visits. That of being away from others, being away from society to an extent, being in nature, and shutting off a large part of my brain I cannot otherwise do anywhere else. I also love that I hardly speak. It is always weird when I come back home, I almost have to relearn and re-acclimate myself to society and social norms, even after only being gone 2-3 days.
I just got in last night, a little later than expected. Usually I get really stressed out about the driving itself, it's gotten easier over the years, but it is so much less stressful now. Now that I drive all over the state for work, it's given me more confidence to drive on different terrain and scary roads. What I was stressed about was that I wasn't going to be there as early as I had hoped. I got off work really early yesterday but I still had to pack and prepare everything because procrastination took over during the week. Packing my clothes and creative and electronic mediums was quick, but packing food into a small cooler took way more time than I had liked. I prepared cut vegetables and other snacks this time, usually I just buy a few things and put it all together. Either way, I made it safely and early enough for dinner.
 |
| This and the photo below are my first time experimenting with long exposure shots taken with my phone. Not special, but still cool. |
It was in the 60's when I got in, which felt really nice. At first I was really cold, but then after hiking and walking around I no longer needed a jacket and just sported shorts and a shirt. Dinner was wonderful as usual. After I ate, I hiked back down to my room. It was mostly pitch black, with a little bit of light along the trail. I held my flashlight to help me see where my feet where going. I was thinking about all the desert animals and insects that could possibly come upon my path. Snakes and scorpions being the main ones, but I didn't see any. However, as I was walking I was thinking that there could be an individual sitting in the dark and I wouldn't know it. Somehow that scared me more. It's usually super safe here but that thought had never occurred to me in the 8 years that I have been going here. That's just how I tend to freak myself out and with all the creepy ass movies I watch. The more I did think about that, it occurred to me that I would rather it be a creature than a human. Sadly enough, people don't necessarily need to be provoked in order to attack you, whereas most wild animals do.
As mentioned in the past, I have a lot of traditions and routines to do when I am here. So after dinner I like to sit outside my room and stare at the sky and scenery. Since it was dark and NOT cloudy for once, I got to see all the stars. It was so gorgeous. It kind of a rare occurrence because often times when I come here it is cloudy or the moon is incredibly bright and obscures the stars. Due to the amount of stars in view it's harder for me to recognize the usual constellations that I know. Thus, I quickly downloaded one of those apps that lets you hold your phone towards the sky and it tells you what you are looking at. Mars was the brightest, Scorpius, a constellation I recognize anywhere was just below the horizon out of view. Another thing I noticed right away that there were creatures flying low back and forth across the path of the quest rooms, just slightly above the low roof. After trying to stare hardly in the dark and even utilizing my crappy flashlight, I happily discovered they were what I expected, bats! It is amazing how fast they fly, for it was really difficult to be sure it was them. It was like a little show that I thoroughly enjoyed watching.
After sitting outside until I felt my body cooled enough after the hike, I retired to my room and listened to soft music and read more of The Haunting of Hill House, which is already a creepy book, makes being here just a little creepy. It was a fun read. The room only had a couple harmless spiders hanging about and nothing else that I had to catch and remove. It was surprisingly not very cold, almost not cool enough as I kept the window open all throughout the night to let air in through the screen. I was pretty tired and fell sleep early. They made new furniture for the rooms and while they look nice and are more practical, the bed is harder and a bit uncomfortable. I slept okay, tossing and turning a bit, but still dreaming about who knows what. I also noticed that the room is cleaner and has a fresh coat of paint. They have finally done a little updating.
I woke up early, had some food, did some writing and noticed that some ants had found their way into my room. I did not kill them but waited until I got dress and ready to kick them out the door. There's an ant hill just outside my room in the crack between the concrete slabs and there's a few small cracks of space for them to enter my room. I just now got them all out but who knows if they'll think it's worth coming back in to explore.
 |
| I also experimented with taking panoramic shots. Click for a larger view. |
 |
| This guy is missing the top part of his head! Haha |
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| The sunset was so bright, that it just looks like everything is on fire. |
Nov 5th: I'm back home now, but will write the rest of my trip out. After a little bit, the ants did come back. At first I thought they were coming in through the door jam, but there was a missing piece of concrete or rubber from under a small part of the floor to ceiling length window. But it took me another day to realize that. About 10 ants at the most would be in my room at a time. They were looking for food crumbs, they found a couple but I keep everything clean and all my belongings above ground or in the cabinets. I did not kill a single ant, for I am smart enough to know that would create more problems for me. They mostly left me alone but I had to make sure I didn't step on any. About every 10 minutes or so I would literally kick them out the door, sliding my foot along the ground to shove them out without any harm.
Between reading and writing, I found myself just staring off and watching the ants. I realized a funny thought, when I come here, I don't usually people watch, I bug watch! It has always given me a weird sense of peace, but also control so that I know where everything is and keep myself safe especially from scorpions and spiders. Since it is colder, there's less creatures around. There were only ants, grasshoppers, mosquitoes, and I saw one scorpion on the night of my birthday, which I found appropriate.
I spent all of Saturday, writing and reading in my room. I left the premises once to get ice, a snack, and Q-tips. I also went to the main office to buy a shirt! In all these years I realized I never once bought a shirt there, so I planned to before I even got there. It got into the 70s during the day. and 40-50's at night which oddly didn't feel so cold. I packed pants and jackets but didn't need them. It all felt so good. Prior to dinner I went to my usual sunset watching spot. I always bring some wine, a book, and even my headphones to listen to music. As soon as I sat down, the combination of the view and the song playing, I started to cry. I could not stop, it was a nice release. I tried to wipe all my tears away prior to heading to the cafe for dinner. My eyes were swollen and my nose was red from my allergies. The cafe was a little busier than usual but I took a spot in a dark corner to eat by myself. Food was great still. It's the only meal I eat there and I always get seconds to fill myself up before the next day where I just eat snacks throughout the day.
When walking back to the room, it was even darker than the night prior and a little colder. I sat outside my room to watch the stars and the flying bats. Less stars were visible but it is all beautiful nonetheless. Once back in my room, I listened to music and read some more.
The next morning, Sunday, my birthday, I woke early and decided I would explore before it got warmer. After some reading, eating, and kicking out more ants, I got dressed and took a walk. I walked my usual path, took some photos, and even decided to take a new path, a path I wasn't entirely sure I was allowed to even be on. I saw tracks but no animals this time. When I walked down towards the parking lot, away from my room I was able to get service on my phone and all my texts and calls came in from loved ones wishing me a happy birthday. It was nice. I took a handful of really neat photos throughout my stay.
After exploring, I went to take a shower to cool off. I had finished reading The Haunting of Hill House and wanted to rewatch the one of the movies inspired by the book, the 1999 The Haunting, which I saw in theaters when I was a teen. But the power went out in my room. I figured it was out in the whole block of guest rooms, since the wifi was out as well. I decided to wait some time to see if it would come back on, not knowing if it was just temporarily turned off because they were working on something or what. After close to an hour I decided to walk to the parking lot and call the front office, the line was busy every time I tried. I tried a couple more times. Then I decided to call another number and a guy answered, rudely, he explained something but I couldn't really understand him other than his unhelpful tone, and did not feel comfortable asking him to repeat himself. Thus I decided to drive up to the main office and found out that the power was out in the whole area/town. They had no idea what happened or when it would be back on. It came back on about 4 hours later. During that time I just caught up on another book I've been reading, The Book Thief. I was able to sit outside and read as well. This day was cloudier and a little bit cooler.
Then it was time to go to the sunset spot and hang out until dinner time. On my way there I notice a voicemail and text from my dad wishing me a happy birthday. It always makes me cry when he does this. Part of the reason for this is that many years ago, on my 19th or 20th birthday I was dating a guy and stayed at his house the night before my birthday. I had a really sad nightmare/dream that my dad was dying. It was a short dream, we were walking and having a conversation that alluded to his death in the immediate future. As soon as I woke from this dream I noticed I was crying already, I then looked at my phone and my dad had left a message singing happy birthday to me. It made me cry harder, and has ever since. As I walked to my sunset spot, I noticed another lady walking to the exact spot so I altered my route and sat somewhere different but closer to the direction of the setting sun. This particular sunset was so gorgeous and bright. A nice little birthday gift from nature.
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| Birthday sunrise |
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| Birthday sunset |
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| Another panoramic |
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| Google is creepy sometimes. It made this collage for me. It just happens to be a picture taken in the exact same spot, of my face, in a slightly different angle, 4 years apart. The left photo was just a couple days before my 28 birthday, and the right one is one day before my 31st birthday. How lovely, I've only aged a little :) |
Dinner was subpar, I noticed on Sundays they have a more simplified meal, and probably in part due to the power outage as well. I ate quickly and went back to my room to read more and have some wine. I bought so much wine for this visit and I hardly drank the usual amount. I mostly drank water while I was there and peed a million times. To sum up, my birthday was nice, simple, and beautiful.
This morning I woke even earlier than the last couple of days, and decided I would watch The Haunting while eating and packing up. I always look forward to leaving because I go to my favorite Mexican restaurant as I head back into town. I noticed as I was driving back in the city that unwanted thoughts started to make their way back into my mind. It is so amazing how easily my mind shuts them off when I'm visiting Arcosanti, without even realizing it! Often I don't realize how much I need the trip until I come back home, but this was a different kind of feeling. I knew that even before the trip how badly I needed it, I planned it at least a couple months prior and could hardly contain my patience. I just hope the effects and afterglow stay with me a little longer as I go back to work.
Originally I titled this post "Arcosanti Year 7" but then an old post on my Instagram reminded me that my first visit was in 2010. So 8 years, going strong! I know there was one or two years where I didn't make it, but there were a couple years were I went twice rather than once. In the last several years I have only been going once a year but I hope to make more of an effort to go twice. It's just a little harder because it is definitely more comfortable to go when it is colder, but the upside to going during the warmer months is that the swimming pool is open. We shall see, maybe I'll go next spring. This time around I was wondering that my frequency of visits has made this place really comfortable to me, and that the effects may eventually wane, but I remind myself that despite and in spite of the comforts, I still get something from my visits. That of being away from others, being away from society to an extent, being in nature, and shutting off a large part of my brain I cannot otherwise do anywhere else. I also love that I hardly speak. It is always weird when I come back home, I almost have to relearn and re-acclimate myself to society and social norms, even after only being gone 2-3 days.
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