Not Again

I have had recent memories stir up to the forefront of my mind, about my brother's overdose on Christmas night of 2010. Today, he had his second overdose. I know very little at the moment, except that he did survive, yet again.

I am still processing, still figuring out my feelings, it ranges everywhere, floating in and out of me.

The only reason I am writing is to help me through this. I never did share the details of the first overdose. I will share them now.

Christmas day I drove my brother and I to our grandparents for our Christmas dinner, we stopped at the convenience store on the way where he bought a small bottle of cheap whiskey which he proceeded to sneak and drink over the course of the night. Christmas didn't go too well. He left and got a ride from another relative before I left. He got home and went straight to his room without saying anything to my dad. When I got home I told my dad about how the night went so he immediately started banging on my brother's door, yelling, as I sat in despair on the living room couch. The yelling started again, but it was different. He was trying to wake up my brother. He was lying on the floor next to his bed. His forehead had a bloody gash and his left arm had a tourniquet and needle attached. As soon as I saw him I doubled over and started to cry and rock my body. This is image has never left my mind, but eventually moved towards the back of my mind as the years went by. But it was all I could see for years. We tried to wake him up, his heart was barely beating. We picked him up and moved him to the bed. My dad called 911 while I called my mom. I waited outside for the firemen to arrive and showed them the way. They had to inject my brother not once, but twice to resuscitate him. He was barely present as the wheeled him out of the house, drove away to the hospital. My dad tore his room apart as I called more relatives to find out what had happened when he left. I have never felt the feelings I felt that day, the confusion, not knowing whether it was a suicide attempt or an accident.

Later my dad picked him up from the hospital and my brother's attitude did not falter, he was still as hostile as he had been during that time. He and my dad got into an argument, resulting in my brother getting out the car. He eventually made it home, walking without shoes. His attitude calmed by the time he arrived home. Where the 3 of us could calmly talk about what happened and what we can do next.

My brother overdosed on excessive alcohol and heroin.

Over the next several months, we had visitors in and out of the house to provide services for my brother. He joined AA and NA. He and I spent everyday together to mend our broken relationship. He was sober for several years and eventually relapsed by choice, thinking he could handle it. He has not been fully sober ever since his relapse but has tried different things such as cutting out certain drugs, or alcohol for varying periods of time. A lot of bad things have happened since, as slightly noted in my posts about our relationship. Our relationship drifted and eventually broke. We recently mended what little we had, but created boundaries to protect each other.

Ever since his first relapse, I told him I would never go through another overdose again. Yet here I am again, lost.

This time it was meth and several other things.

Long before his first overdose he had been a meth addict and eventually quit that and hadn't turned back to it as far as I know. I just saw him on Easter and it was very pleasant but I know there are still troubles in his life. We are all shocked, especially his girlfriend who lives with him. She came home to find his car there, the front door open, his keys and wallet in the house, his phone on the ground outside, and his shirt somewhere. Apparently she got a call that cops had found him passed out in the street near their house. They took him to the hospital. I called the hospital a little bit ago to find that he was discharged but I haven't heard anything else.

21 days ago I saw him. 11 days ago was his 29th birthday.


Earlier this week I had dinner with a friend as we spoke about our families and their addictions. His overdose has been very fresh in my mind. I can't tell if that is a good or bad thing. I wish it wasn't a thing at all. I'm just glad I wasn't the one to find him this time. I can't handle that again.


"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
Courage to change the things I can, 
And wisdom to know the difference."