Despite All My Rage

I'm still just a rat in a cage.






I've been saving that lyric for a blog post for months now. I know I originally had different plans for writing under that title, but life changes and it is really time for me to update the digital world anyhow.


I haven't been able to write much because I am in some sort of writer's block. I know it could be different for everyone as to why they are blocked, but I'll explain why I think I'm blocked. First and for most, I have been really angry and not entirely ready to write about it. However, a lot of my anger has subsided recently, which I will get to later. There was also an event in my life that happened about a year and a half ago in which I still feel some need to write my feelings about but still not ready to write it just yet. I have been trying to heal as much as I can from it, but since the beginning I have known that I need to write about it. I really hope that kind of finalizes the healing process for me. I also hope, for my own well being, that I can write that soon. Anyways, I am blocked by the every-day-work-grind. My jobs are emotionally and physically tolling, but I can finally say more rewarding as of late. Still stressful and taxing but I hate using my free time just to write or talk about work although that is usually mostly on my mind. I have creative thoughts still but a harder time finding the ability to write them. On beautiful days, such as today, I find myself wanting to go to the hookah lounge with my headphones and laptop and just write away. So finally I'm doing just that.

Towards the end of the previous school year, I found myself having a very hard time dealing with my anger and not wanting to do much creative tasks that I enjoy. I have consciously been making a list of things to change in my life that I can control. Summer arrived and my work load became a lot less stressful and my sleeping habits became better. Once school started again in August I decided to implement the list of things to make my life less angry and more routine based.

To start, I decided to make better routines to stick to in the morning before work and at night before bed. I decided to shower more regularly, cook more, make my lunches for the next day rather than the morning of, go to bed at better times, and focus on my hygiene. On top of that, I bought my very own first gym membership to YouFit the day before school started. I am proud to say that I go to the gym twice at week since I got the membership. I also have worked really hard on eating less often, smaller portions, and eating better foods. I also cut down on my hookah smoking and my drinking. With this I have been keeping track of my physical activity, my caloric intake, and my nutrition each day for over a month now. This is great because I finally brought down all my cholesterol and triglyceride levels for the first time in probably a year since originally testing those levels. In addition, I have lost a few pounds. To continue, my money budgeting has gotten better. I have experimented with cooking more than I ever had in my life and I do enjoy it. Overall, I am happier. I definitely think these things contribute to it but I've also taken time each day to go to work with a smile and to laugh at the things that would otherwise frustrate the hell out of me. Yes, I'm still angry and frustrated at times, but exponentially lower than earlier this year. It's so great to be able to be more in control of my life again. Another big thing that is a little more personal is that I finally got my sex drive back up and running, despite being single still. My last serious relationship destroyed my sex drive completely to the point that it depressed me because I am not asexual by nature whatsoever. So I am happy to be nearly back to normal with that as well. I've put less energy into trying to date and hope that it will happen with time and just focus on myself.

Now let us just hope that more creative writing posts will follow soon!