Do You Have Kids?

I am appalled when people ask me if I have kids or if I'm married. This strikes several different issues/beliefs with me. Initially this used to freak me out because I always thought I was too young [this only started a few years ago]. I still think most people are too young for these things because these choices are not to be taken lightly while the tend to be by people that are still quite young mentally. I don't really believe in "numbers" per se, but maturity and knowledge of oneself is very important. I realize that essentially people of all ages are still growing up, but there comes a time when you're ready for something and ready to put the effort. Thus, I am not ready for marriage or kids [despite the fact that I don't want it anyways]. Next, now that I'm asked these questions it's strange because I'm single and have been for over a year. "Yeah...sure, I'm married but single..." Just kidding. And finally to get back to the main reason is because I do not desire both of these things. It's actually quite natural in my mind that it feels unnatural to want marriage or kids. And I forget sometimes that people don't think this way or know me well enough. So I'm appalled because what I really want to say to that person is "FUCK no!" But luckily I control myself, unless of course it's someone I feel comfortable saying that to.

Since I work with kids, these questions come up more than in other situations. Which is understandable and not totally annoying...yet. The beautiful thing is, I don't feel pressured by these questions. I don't feel like my clock is ticking, I don't feel like I need to do something about it, I don't feel like I may look crazy in other's eyes. This is what makes me me, and I'm grateful for it. I know some people that get that pressured feeling about these subjects, but it shouldn't be that way at all.

The unnaturalness of this for me is actually something I just came up with while writing this. It is the best way to put it, and I wish I thought of it sooner. I walked through a baby aisle today while walking through a store and I'm glad I don't have to be in that aisle other than for rare baby showers. I actually don't find anything cute about the stuff in these aisles, the only things that are cute are the little shoes [I've always had a fascination with miniature things] and cool onesies that may have band logos or skulls on them [if only I could fit in them!]. With friends that have kids and some kids I see at school, I may think they're cute or fake it. I hate the way babies and kids smell, I don't have this overwhelming sense of goodness when I smell them. I feel that way when I smell friends, family or lovers, but that's it. If anything, I love eyes of kids, they're beautiful, but I love eyes period.

I have seriously considered getting a procedure done so that I cannot have kids. I recently had a heart to heart with my best friend about it. I will not do it, not now at least so that IF I ever change my mind I wouldn't have screwed myself over. But regardless, I've always had my heart set on adopting if I ever choose to have a kid. I also have desire to donate my eggs for people who cannot have children, but that takes time and a lot of doctor visits that just doesn't have a place in my life yet.

Let's get to how far I've come and where I still remain currently in my association with children. I am no longer completely repulsed by kids in my presence. I can tolerate screaming and crying a bit more, when I couldn't at all [I hear screaming on a daily basis in my job now]. I can talk, play, and interact with kids much better now. It's not nearly as awkward and I'm better at understanding what they say and what kind of things to talk to them about according to their age. Before, I was pretty damn clueless. However, the desire is still not totally there. I'm actually good with kids, but still selective of who I want to interact with and to what depth. I have made it one of my life goals that I would be the coolest aunt and godmother to my brother's future kids, my cousin's future kids, and to my best friends' kids. But none of that has happened yet, which is good for now. On a negative note, working with kids has jaded me in rapid pace that I'm not happy with. I used to be a person with great patience, and that I am increasingly losing. Guess that's life.