Today, June 17th, marks exactly a year that I have been single. Not to mention a whole year without sex as well.
It has been some time since I've been single this long. I've been doing a lot of processing, pondering, self reflection, self evaluation. The majority of my single-hood is due to choice. But that's not to say that I am not lonely. I'm particularly in a lonely state currently, however. But my expectations have become even higher, or more so they are the same and I'm actually listening to them for once. Moreover, I have been thinking a great deal about traditional relationships and whether that is really what I want anymore. It's hard to say. I'm torn in all directions, but I do know that I want it all. But not all at once and I'm not sure which I'm ready for first, if I'm even ready at all. Each time I put myself out there lately, nothing good enough comes back or if I am lucky to find something that finally catches my attention, I recoil. This is generally a classic hint that I'm not ready. There could be more, but I am unsure of what it is.
My whole life there has been a lot of emphasis on "the right one". I, even at 25 years old, have not found anyone even close to that yet. I've never met anyone that understood me so well and vice versa. I also realize that I've kept parts of me closed off to these people or all people, which is why they never get to really know and understand me. They only get a piece of me, but not the whole. There are few that know me fairly well, but the only one that knows me the best is my best friend. She knows parts about me that I never realized or heard described so perfectly. That's what I need, more people around me where I don't give a fuck to be me. There are parts of myself I'm scared to share, but at the same time so deeply desire to share. It's hard.
I can take responsibility for that, but how do I start to let go? I wish we could all show our true selves, part for unity, but also part for the sake that we don't have to go around dating people we thought were pretty good only to realize they are completely different than you thought.
There's more rolling around in my head about all this. I'm continuing my habit of keeping some of it to myself. The point really is that I wanted to make note of this day, and look back on it in the future.
1 comment:
In some ways, we are a lot alike. I know exactly what you mean by not opening up to people. Richard is really the only person that I'm totally unveiled with, and that took years. I've recently had a self-awakening about this, and I really think it is a trait that is learned, at least for me. Some experiences I remember from being a kid that impacted me deeply were those in which I shared something private and it was used later to humiliate or belittle me in some way. I honestly think that over time I just learned to keep all my private feelings and thoughts to myself. There are a few people, like my brother, that I trust with most things, but mostly all my private problems and thoughts are only shared with one person (Richard). It took years to forge the trust that I have with him, and he earned it. The prize is that I share more of myself to him than anyone. I think when someone really trusts and respects you and your perspective, it is an honor and hard earned and not just anyone deserves to be able to see that part of you. It's alright to have high expectations for a relationship. You deserve someone awesome who you can trust and share yourself with, and feel safe with.
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