Dear Masseuse

I have had a total of 3 professional massages up to this point. I've been keeping alert for any Groupon and Dealfind deals on massages. I just landed an awesome deal where I paid $35 for a massage and a year long membership card. This card makes any future 60 minute massages only $35 (tip not included). Thus, I have a year to get as many cheap massages as possible.

My first massage was April last year, the second one just a few weeks ago, and the third was just last week. Ever since the first one, questions have been loading themselves into my mind. I am already innately curious. But being literally in the hands of someone I don't know, made me insanely curious about the individuals who work in the massage business.

Each visit has piled on additional questions I wanted to ask. I seriously would even consider taking one of these ladies out for drinks (I'll pay!), just so I can pick their brains.

These questions range from the broad to the specific. Here are all the ones I can remember at the moment:

Dear Masseuse,

How long have you been a masseuse?
Why did you get into this field?
Do you enjoy it?
Are there times where people don't tip you at all?
What was the biggest tip you've received?
How often do people fall asleep on your table?
How do you feel about people who decide to keep some clothing on?
How do you feel about those that are completely naked?
Which do you prefer?
What's the grossest thing you've seen and had to touch on someone's body?
What was the most perfect skin, body type, body part, etc. you've worked on and why was it so?
How often do you get deaf or hard of hearing customers?
What is the most interesting case/body you had to deal with? What was their reason for a massage?
How often has someone been relaxed enough to pass loud gas on your table?
Has anyone puked or pooped under your supervision?
Which technique is your favorite to use? Least favorite?
How long did it take for you to get used to touching strangers?
What was the strangest request you've ever heard?
Any sexual advances from customers?
Any weird noises of satisfaction?
How do you feel when you come across piercings or tattoos as you go? Is it like unwrapping a surprise?
What's the coolest body art you've seen on the job? What's the worst?
Do you get annoyed when strangers, outside of work, ask you to massage them upon finding out your profession?
What about requests from friends? Do you charge them?
Does your job affect potential date's perspective of you?
If so, does it bother you or work in your advantage?
Have you ever dated a client?
How often do boners come into play on the job? I guess I should say, "Come out to play."
Ever make a guy or girl orgasm accidentally while working?
Does seeing near naked or fully naked bodies all day positively or negatively affect your own body image? How so?
Do you ever just get tired of touching people?
Do you think this job has affected your desire or feelings when it comes to touching, affection, and intimacy with your partners?
Do you go get massages for yourself? If so, how often?
What do you do to unwind and make sure your body is in good condition to perform your job?
Do you get so tired of the music playing at work that you instantly blast some of your own music after you leave your shift?
Or do you seek out similar music when not on the job?
What do you love most about your job?
What do you hate most?
Ever accidentally hurt someone pretty bad?
Ever experience a law suit or the beginning stages of one?
Can you tell from touching someone what their dominant hand is? Do you specifically look for this?
Ever get cheated out of your tips by coworkers?
Have you done in-home massages? Would you consider it?
Do you have a preference for male or female customers?
What was the best experience you've had working? Worst?
What was the best compliment you've received? The worst insult?
Do you plan to continue doing this for awhile or want to get out of it eventually?
What's the best massage you've received? Why? Do you try to replicate that in your work?
Have you ever worked on children? How was that? Why did the parent enroll the child for services?
How many regular clients do you have currently?


This is all runing through my head during those 60 minutes. It's obviously hard for me to just relax.