Stand and Feel Your Worth

This is going to be one of the alchemish posts, with thoughts all over the place. Enjoy the brew.

 First of all, I want to thank everyone who congratulated me on the internship, I really appreciate it.

Tomorrow, amongst a main implication of the date of September 11th, is my boyfriend and I's six month anniversary. I'm very happy about how it is going.

I am actually at the library, for the first time this semester, enjoying a playlist, the park view, and writing this.

I want to talk about something in reference to the most previous post about the recent ruling of the DADT and the act of voting. As I mentioned, my boyfriend woke me up very early [he's a morning person] to read the article I posted and we had a little discussion about it and thoughts came to my mind as I was attempting to go back to sleep. I don't remember exactly what I was thinking but I did make a little note of it, so I will try to make this as accurate and coherent as I can remember. In regards to the fight for gay rights I was thinking back on an experience I had on campus. I was vividly imagining the rage I felt that day and how I imagined myself running up to them and screaming "If I married a woman, how would it affect you?!! Why would it matter?!!" In regards to voting, I was also thinking about how irritated it makes me when people don't vote [as well as some people that do vote that are complete idiots for a lack of a better term]. You have to realize that if you don't speak, someone will speak for you. I don't care if you disagree, but I definitely feel that is so. I live in a state that hasn't broken from that hasn't broken from the red. And I'm positive there are people in this state that have non-red views and feel completely defeated and decide not to vote at all. Well, I'm proud to say that I did vote regardless of that fact. One vote my way can take away one vote the other way. But back to what I really wanted to get to, tying in with the recent news headlines of the canceled day of burning the Quran. I especially love what Kerry Sanders says in that video. With all of this information in mind I thought: First of all, what the fuck happened to freedom of religion? What the fuck happened to freedom of discrimination? What the fuck happened to that American Dream? Apparently it was meant for the heterosexual white family...and we didn't read the fine print.

If you would like to help the HRC push for the DADT in their national call in day, here's the info. In other news, 20 LGBT equality groups in Arizona are working to boycott SB1070, read about it here.

Now for other mind brewings.

I just finally explicitly noticed that I tend to hold my breath when I walk on stairs.

I have, with the help of conversations with my brother, realized why I get incredibly uncomfortable about singing and dancing. Partially doing it in front of others, but mostly when others do it around me. Not only do I try to avoid eye contact to save them from feeling awkward because I wouldn't want someone to eyeball me if I was doing so. But at the heart of this discomfort is my mother. She used to sing and dance all the time. She has a really horrible voice, but not only that, she thought she was really good. I don't say that in harshness, but it is simply the truth. Her dancing quality is not of critique but her style was definitely awkward enough. My brother mentioned not too long ago that he feels weird when his girlfriend dances around him and he said it was because of our mom. Ever since then I have been in awe because that is exactly what I have experienced. As long as I can remember, people dancing and singing around me has always made me feel that way. And to be quite honest, it is nothing something to break out of even if I wanted to. So with all the feelings I get when others do so, I can see why I don't feel comfortable dancing in public or even in very personal settings. With my mom experiences aside, I don't like to be watched doing it, therefore I just hardly do it when others are around. I don't like being under the magnifying glass for others to dissect, not in that way at least. If I already feel uncomfortable around others dancing, than it definitely makes sense why I would not feel the slightest inclination to dance with them. Dancing is definitely worse than singing, singing doesn't bother me as much, but it still does to some extent and more so in different situations. Quite a damn revelation I tell you.



Along similar lines, certain literary terms to refer to the Deaf and hard of hearing make me cringe like no other. Need I make a list? I must.
Hearing impaired
Hearing problems
Issues/problems
Inferior
Dumb
Wrong
Bad
Deaf and Dumb
Defect
Malformation
Disabled/disability
Less
Basically anything that implies that there is something wrong with me/us, that implies inferiority, impairment, broken, etc. Especially terms referring to children or the birth of these Deaf and hard of hearing individuals that implies that their condition and/or birth is a problem or that something is wrong with them versus other hearing children having nothing wrong with them. I don't care if you feel on a logical level that there is something wrong with us, the fact is, we don't think that way and you ought to keep us in mind if you're going to talk about us. And if you're still confused, well the terms I personally prefer are the ones I have used already, Deaf and hard of hearing, and fucking abled! I say that with smiling pride. If I am to ever say something nice about my mom every now and then, I will take this opportunity to say that ever since my parents found out I was hard of hearing my mom never treated me like I was any different. She never accommodated me in a way that I should feel inferior. And she definitely still got mad at me every time I asked her to repeat something more than two or so times. I guess you could say she raised me strong and proud.

Speaking of pride, my list definitely varies from the next person. There are a lot of things I participate in and avoid participating in due to my priority of pride. If you want a little background info before you continue, read this. To give a more detailed and updated list with a description, I will say I have the most pride in these things in no particular order: Human, female, hard of hearing, left handed, Scorpio, student, daughter, sister, lover, friend, supporter, moral enforcer, agnostic, artist, Italian, curvaceous, pet owner, anthropologist...
To refine what I mean about these arbitrary words, here it goes:
Human: I don't mean this in that I think I'm a superior being. I don't like that thought, as in to think we as humans are superior therefore have the right to do what the fuck we want to the world and other living beings. I, personally, take pride in being human because of the mere utter fucking fascination that I have with the human body and mind. Everything about it is beautiful, like the ultimate form of art. I love being human that I can think and think about those thoughts, and think about the thoughts about my thoughts, and think about the thoughts of my thoughts of my thoughts. It's incredible.
Female: Being a female in this world is interesting nonetheless, just as being a human. However my gender and sex give me the opportunity to look at the world differently. I'm not saying it is better, but if I were a male, it would be different also. I feel that the challenges of being a female in my life have taught me a great deal and continue to do so. It is who I am but it does not define me.
Hard of Hearing: This goes on top of the previous two. This ultimately has shaped who I am as a person at the most dramatic scale. As I get older and more educated and knowledgeable, my explanations and discussions of my hearing change [I used to refer to myself as 'hearing impaired' until I was old enough to understand the implication]. But one thought hasn't changed. Every now and then people might ask me if I could change it or choose otherwise, if I would. The answer is always a clear NO. And I continue to say that I would be a completely different person if I wasn't hard of hearing. I wouldn't be Alyssa. I don't care what bad days I encounter or frustrations, that will never make me want to change it. Knowing that I'm anti-plastic/cosmetic surgery should give you at least some insight of what I feel about the body and self.
Left Handed: Same thing here, being left handed, deviant [or even demonic in pre-modern times] gives me a different perspective on the world. Even in simple terms, I have the advantage on the computer to be able to write and used the mouse at the same time instead of having to switch utensils. To sum up, I love being the minority [of many things, not just left handedness]. As much shit we get and have to put up with, it makes us stronger and to push for the right to voice and respect.
Scorpio: Well this is one that I talk about more, not because I value it above the others, but because it still continues to fascinate me with its broad applications that I continue to run into in the evolution of my life. I will admit, I love being a Scorpio! Bad, good, frustrating, lovely, evil, beautiful qualities alike! I got into astrology when I was really young [thanks mom] and used it as a tool to understand myself better. It almost serves as a psychologist, a free one. It would take my thoughts and emotions and spit them all out in a couple or so pages in such clear writing that I finally understood and was able to clearly point a finger to something. Quite frankly, it's refreshing.
Student: This is definitely one aspect of my identity. I have been a student since I entered this world. And I don't mean that exclusively as a school student, but as a permanent life long learner as well. In regards to school, it has very much been a big and consistent part of my life and I don't really know how to comprehend what life will be like without it. I know I will definitely have a sense of freedom at first, but soon enough I will miss it. I experience that ever summer, if we're talking truthfully. It's very much a love/hate relationship. In regards to being a learner, it is one thing that I never want to stop. It is that thrill I get everyday. The act of learning excites me like a child [or adult] getting candy. It excites me so much that I inhale the whole thing and forget it almost instantaneous. Well, that's not always the case, but it is true that I get overly excited and the information or full explanation doesn't stick in my memory. Or maybe I just never was good at passing on information second handly. I really do suck at telling things from my mind coherently, you readers are lucky that this is in written form that I have sometimes all day or week to compose and perfect.
Daughter: This is pretty straight forward, as well as the next one. But to be a bit more specific, I am the daughter of who are/were amazing parents. I have spent and continue to spend my life making them...or him happy. I don't feel that such thing is an obligation because they gave you life, but I feel that because I want to. I love and respect my dad very much and would like to help him more some day. I really just don't know what I would do without him.
Sister: Well this is an interesting one. I do love that I have a brother. Almost every young girl wishes she had a sister and I'm very grateful to have had a brother instead. He has affected my life probably a hell of a lot more than I will ever imagine. Although I used to sometimes hate him, get upset with him, punch him, and get disappointed in him, I still love him.
Lover: This is incredibly broad and I do mean it in every way shape and form, from the simplest idea that I have the capacity and ability to love. But what I want to really focus on now is being a lover of people. I am including being a lover of friends and families too, however I will be more specific in the "friend" part of this list and just use this space to describe being an intimate lover. I am proud to say that I have never been a bad or even purposely bad girlfriend/lover. I have always made an immense and increasing effort to make others happy. Although I have made the pattern of putting those before me and forgetting myself, I still take pride in not hurting the ones that I committed to. I never understood that, hurting the ones you love. As well as I take pride in being sexually open.
Friend: A lot of what I said about being a lover applies to this as well. But also, I take pride in being a really good friend, one that will be there, one that will take the bullet...and one that will express my love, admiration, and respect.
Supporter: Call this a supporter of dreams, this goes for friends and lovers and the likes. I support the people in my life as well as my own beliefs. I even support events of the people I love in which I may not particularly agree to.
Moral enforcer: I know there is a better word for this, but what I meant was to be a moral person and to encourage that in others. Ok, moral encourager sounds better. I take a great deal of pride in standing for what I feel is right. Just as I am happy that I am a strong enough person to educate those around me of such ideals. Which is actually what some of this blog does.
Agnostic: Agnostic, again, is not really the right word I am looking for. But I use it as simple terms for the purpose of this posts. I do agree that uncertainty is not a bad way to go, but also why I don't claim to be an agnostic is that it is not that I am unsure, it is that I simply don't believe. Another main point to add is that I feel perfectly fine doing so. I'm not going to make this about religion but to really sum it up in a kind of lighter tone, I'm an anthropologist, I study evolution. If anything, call Darwin my god...and this as my "spiritual" experience :p.
Artist: There is something so amazing about art, the process experiencing and the process of creating art that I really just want to leave this as is.
Italian: If I have to pick from the ethnic background of mine, I choose Italian to be the one I that I feel I identify most with. My physical appearance is more Italian than anything else, which also ties into the next thing on the list. But also I identify with the passion and intense verbal and non-verbal attributes of Italians.
Curvaceous: So this defies American beauty standards and I fucking love it. I don't just mean the lateral curves of my body but the curves of the pudge on my body. I'm not skinny, I'm actually quite average. The most average thing about me is my body. It's pretty interesting.
Pet owner: Well, I just love dogs, animals, insects too. I take pride in owning them and loving them. Plain and simple.
Anthropologist: There's a lot to say here, but at the core of it anthropology practices something that I will continue to learn and get better at it over time. Being aware, knowledgeable, understanding and above all, avoiding ethnocentrism. I take much pride in associating with such a thing for every single one of the reasons above tied in with it.


My posts have been getting pretty heated/intense. It's interesting, it's not like I intend it to be that way, it's just what comes out. At the least, I owe this to my boyfriend, who is making me a stronger individual by the day. I've never felt so good about myself.

It is now after 5pm and I need to stop writing.