Notes of Sympathy

So half of my hair is currently blonde orangish redish and to wait for it to dry before coloring it I went on a drive to Costco to do some shopping. I just got home and noticed a small card in the mail addressed to me. On the back is a return address to a veterinary clinic by a name I don't recognize. Standing in my carport, I open it then and there. I was thinking it may be one of those things to notify you to take your dog in for a shot and I'm thinking, "Sparky is dead, there's no need." I see the card has artwork of silhouettes of a dog and a cat on a hilltop looking up at the sun, my heart kind of stopped. I open the card, along the left side there's roughly twenty signatures of different people. On the right it says, "We extend our deepest sympathy for the loss of your pet." I start crying before I could read further. "The staff at Blue Cross Veterinary Clinic shares in your sadness with the recent passing of Sparky. He will be missed."
Wow. I was not expecting that.
I guess I'll take the time to make a somewhat sad post since I have been putting it off for some time.
From my Memoirs of Sparky, November 22nd, 2009:
Today was my first day at work since. Luckily I worked with someone I could tolerate and who is understanding. And it was a hell of a lot better than I thought it would be. The only moment of over-powering sadness I had was when I saw a woman with her dog outside talking to another woman. They were talking about the dog, I knew from reading their lips. He/she was quite cute but the way he/she stood reminded me of Sparky. Luckily I was alone in the front of the store, for the tears started to surface and I could feel that weakening hole inside me that caused the rest of my body to shake slightly. For once, I welcomed any customer to come and distract me.

After my shower this evening, I realized we no longer need to keep the bathroom waste basket out of reach. Sparky liked to go through the trash sometimes. I'm really hating these little discoveries.
I know they won't end for a while.

To expect him when I come home. To miss him while I'm gone but to not see him. I'm officially numb. And my head hurts. I don't want to talk about it, yet I don't want to act like it didn't happen. The other worst part is not being able to smell him ever again. I absolutely loved his smell. Anytime he was warm or had just been outside in the sun, I would smell him. And I would call him "toasty boy" because I love that perfect "toasty" warmth feeling. I feel sad having to think that I will have to tell people about Sparky and that they will have never known him. I feel sad that I will have to say that I only have one dog now. To not have to worry about his pain though...is good.

November 23rd, 2009:
I definitely dreamt of puppies this morning.

I realized when I wake up from my alarm clock, I always have this subconscious worry of the clock bothering him. I was remembering when I first got the alarm clock, a few years ago, when I was in high school. Everytime it went off [shaking the bed] it would frighten Sparky and he would get up and leave the room. After a while he finally got used to it and it doesn't phase him. But I still turn it off as quickly as I can, partly because I can't stand the vibrations themselves, and so that they don't some day chase him off my bed again.

There is no one to mess up my bed when I'm gone.
November 24th, 2009:
I have decided, had I had the ultimate choice to myself, I would have waited longer until doing this to Sparky.
December 1st, 2009:
Roxy had ate some food and then on the rug in my room she was kind of making noises and kind of rolling around. It's hard to explain without making it sound like she is dying or something. But it's the opposite, she was excited. It was something Sparky did everytime after he ate. I forgot about it. I loved when he did that. It was also my clue to know that he actually did eat his food. I hate that I forgot about it.