All This Eating Inside

From my Memoirs of Sparky, November 20th, 2009:
Sparky was pronounced dead today, at about 3:10pm, it is now 6:13pm and I am sitting at Kiwanis Park in Tempe, smoking a cigarillo that looks like a goddamn cigarette. Well, guess its the first for many things today.

I'm writing this because I never want to forget this day in my life. As sad as it is, it's marking the pages that is my life. This is the beginning of a new change. A long change.

The past several months there has been the conversation of putting Sparky down. Dad gets angry, makes his threats, the usual. It's only got more and more serious. Right before my birthday, he brought it up again and how I said that I would take him. I had a whole week of birthday events coming up and that was the last thing I wanted to have to deal with. Let alone always think about in the future around that time. So last night, Dad finally had enough. It's getting colder and Sparky is pissing in the house constantly. He howls and cries when I'm not home, waking up Bryce and Dad. He's losing his hearing and his sight. He has cysts everywhere. He is 14 years old. Last night Bryce, Dad and I were in the kitchen talking and Sparky wouldn't eat his food, yet again. Then in the middle of our conversation Bryce yells at Sparky because he's pissing on the carpet in front of the back door, right in front of us. They throw him outside and put his food out there. He doesn't eat it, he just sits there shaking. Dad leaves to take Roxy for a walk. I let him back in and put some rice in his food so he eats it. My friend comes over to hang out, we are waiting to meet my cousin and uncle at a bar. Before we are about to leave, Dad tells me he's taking Sparky in tomorrow because he just peed in the house again. Then he goes into his room and shuts the door, without a word from me. I'm trying to act cool and just hope Dad cools off later. But I write a note to leave for Dad, it says, "I'll be home by 1pm - I'd like to go with you to take Sparky." Just in case. I then leave to go to the bar. My uncle came into town to visit and I haven't seen him in a few years. I tell him about it, still hoping that Dad will change his mind...
I had an interesting night I went home and went to bed cuddling with Sparky during which would possibly be my last night with him, which it was. I had set my alarm for 9:15am because I had bought tickets to see New Moon early. Which would be over before 1pm-that's why I wrote that time in the note to Dad. I wanted to keep some normalcy in my life -and probably escapism as well-of course. But I woke up about 3 hours before my alarm was to go off. I was woken up by my heart racing and shaking the bed-thus causing vibrations similar to those I respond to with my alarm clock. Part of that was probably because my heart races sometimes, and even so when I'm hungover. But also because I was scared to wake up and not have Sparky be there. Scared to face Dad. Scared to find a possible note he had written in response to mine. I was scared for the day to be the day. To my relief, Sparky was still there. I held him in my arms and forced myself to continue sleeping. I woke up constantly from my heart after that and never fully fell back asleep until right before my alarm went off. I finally looked out my window, Dad wasn't home-another relief. Went to the kitchen, no note from Dad, just mine still there. I got ready and went to see the movie. Tried not to cry- the older woman next to me kind of ruined some of my lone experience in the theater. When the movie was over, I got a voicemail from Dad. I left the theater immediately and checked it- I was still in the shopping center and unfortunately not far enough from the noise. I listened to the voicemail 3 times before I could actually hear what Dad said. He said he made an appointment for Sparky at 2pm and hopes that I'll be home for it and that we will have to leave at 1:30pm. I just about collapsed. I wanted to fall to my knees in the middle of the parking lot. I just felt this hole inside me and I couldn't breathe- I walked as fast as I could to my car trying not to let the tears fall. Started crying the second I got in the car and drove home. I didn't want to waste my last hour with Sparky and I wasn't quite paying attention to how hard my foot was pressing on the accelerator. My brother called me when I was almost home, making sure I was coming home. I lost it, couldn't keep the composure in my voice when I said, "Bye." When I walked into the house Bryce was at the door and shooting me with an invisible gun, trying to be funny. I didn't laugh and put my movie cup in the kitchen and then went straight to my room looking for Sparky. He wasn't there but as I turned to go down the hallway- he came towards me and jumped on my bed and I got next to him and laid down. He instantly laid his head next to mine and was so calm. I just laid there crying, petting him, talking to him. Telling him about my promise I made him when I first got him- 13 years ago. I told him many things and he was so calm and just laid there- like he knew. Like he was being calm for me- comforting me. Bryce and his girlfriend and Dad came in individually to check on me, but mostly letting me be. I took a few pictures of him and I laying there. I was just petting him and trying not to forget what the feeling of him was like. I told him how amazing he was. It was time to leave he and I sat in the back seat of Dad's car. His last car ride. He was such a good boy- laid in my lap. We just sat there with the wind blowing. When we got to the vet he was happy and sniffing out the place- luckily no other patients/clients were there. We had room for our privacy- most of it was waiting. We were there total of at least an hour and a half. Finally the shot, the anesthesia came, to make him a little sleepy. He was pretty alert since they were giving him food. He was in my lap for all this- we just waited until it would kick in. He was finally kinda sleepy and calm. Prior to that I had to tell myself this is the last time I'll ever see him alert and happy. The vet then had to take him to another room to put the IV catheter in. Dr. Ryan. When they came back we put him on a blanket on the table. He was not moving other than holding his head up and shaking. I kept thinking, "Sparky, when does shaking ever do anything for you?" He was just laying there while we petted him and had out last time with him. Dr. Ryan came in and asked if we were ready- meanwhile Dad and Bryce had shed some tears. When we first got there we had to fill out basic paper work- I did it- put my info down as the owner and basic info down about Sparky. The last question asked the reason for the visit. I broke down, handed Dad the clipboard, crying I said, "I can't fill out the last question." I've been feeling weak and shaky the whole time. We each had our hands on Sparky. I put my hand on his side, the place I always put my hand to check if he is still breathing. Dad was petting his face and Bryce on the other side of me. It went really fast because I felt when his breathing stopped and I saw his eyes- dead. I'm not sure if they caught that as soon as I did but we kept petting him and she went to check his heart rate and finally said he was gone. While she was injecting him, I said in his ear, "You're a good boy," so he knew I was still there...Those were the last words he heard. There was no sound from Sparky, no excretions, nothing. It was so utterly peaceful. After she left, I said to Dad that it was good. He said, with tears in his eyes, "It was peaceful." I cry everytime I replay that moment in my head. We all hugged. We each gave Sparky kisses on his face before we left. I stayed behind and offered if there was anything else I could do and thanked Dr. Ryan. It was 3:22pm when we got in the car. I took Sparky's dog tag and put it on one of my bracelets, which I now wear on a necklace. I cried during the ride, I hadn't ate anything so we got food. Even walking was hard. Then I watched the video I took of Sparky before we left the house. Staring at my empty bed is hard. I went to the backyard with Bryce. He was picking up dog poop on the patio and we realized this was the last time he would have to do that. It gave me some small sense of relief- but then there's all those things that I would kill for to have again. That's a price I have no problem paying, just to have him around- to have a pet. Then I thought- we don't need his dog bowl either- but I don't want to get rid of that. And I don't ever want to run out of his hair being everywhere. I'm realizing how much harder it will actually be with his absence. I have definitely thought about it a lot before too. I've been thinking about his death ever since we first got him. It used to make me cry at times when I thought about it too much. We always estimated that he would die when I was in college...
I am realizing even more how engraved he is in my life. When Bryce and I were outside, I said to him how I keep expecting to hear him walk through the doggy door to come out and join us, like he always did. How I keep expecting to see him and hear him on my bed. Expecting to hear his cute clickity clack footsteps on the ground behind me. I depended on him so much. I know above all- sleeping in my bed is going to be the hardest thing of all. Especially during the winter- I used to always call him my personal bed heater. Doing homework at home or anything will never be the same. He was my ultimate distraction. Always being so cute and keeping me from being able to concentrate. God, I love him.

I feel the irony of this event after seeing New Moon. I don't know if irony is the right word, but I don't care. New Moon, the novel was the most depressing and it caused me pain and tears to read. That loss, the pain of loss. And here I am with that pain inside- that pain that makes me want to curl up in a ball. That's how I felt at the exact moment I listened to the voicemail from Dad.

The only thing that makes my sore eyes feel better is crying.
When he was officially dead I made sure I got a good look at him laying there so I would never forget it.

Getting my mind off it only works to an extent- but really I just feel sad but I forget what makes me sad. I was finally on my way home from my night to myself and was thinking how I can't wait to cuddle with Sparky- he'll make me feel better. He always does. But then it hit me. Hard. I knew this would happen.

You see, I'm fine, I'm fine with death. I accept it. But it's the adjusting that I have the problem with. Luckily my life really isn't over- it's not my father. But Sparky is, however my ultimate source of happiness. Absolutely. Utterly. I know some people may understand and some people may not. Sparky has been my world or as I always put it, "the love of my life." He is the only obsession I have that I repress publicly. That's saying a lot. The first tattoo I ever wanted was his name, large font across my shoulders. And I'm dead serious. I'm still waiting to hear his footsteps. They echo in my ears. Like I know no other sound better.